Tell The Tiger (episode 3)

Wow, this week’s been too crazy guys, too fucking crazy so I chose a nice and short problem to NAIL rather than some long, drawn out, deeply psychologically troubled mail to deal with gently… tenderly… lovingly…



This week’s problem comes from a guy who likes to call himself “Jeanunderpantman”. Um… okaayyy.

Howzit Slick,

I’ve gotthis major problem where I prefer jerking off to havign actual sex with my girlfriend, its just feels tighter and better. Do you think if she lets me try anal it weill be better? How can I convince her to try it?


Jeanunderpantman (I’ll just call you JP), lemme just say congratulations. Actually managing to start your computer, READ this site, REPLY to Tell The Tiger with an actual email (though shockingly spelled) and SEND it without incident couldn’t have been easy.

Pat yourself on the back. You have done well.

As for your problem, I have a few solutions:

1) Send us a pic of your gf. There is a good chance that you prefer fucking your hand because SHE’S UGLY AS SIN. If she is UGLY AS SIN, riding the Hershey Highway might temporarily make sex with her better, but in the long run you’re probably going to have to trade her in for a better looking ho, yo.



2) If she isn’t a total GROT OTTER as it were, the problem might be that her lady garden is a little loose. Has she had kids? How many? Be honest with me here dude, I can’t help you if you aren’t straight with me. Of course, the other alternative is that your cheloger is too small. Probably kill yourself if this is the problem. No one likes a man packing a silk worm.

3) You could be a cock smoker. Test this out by turning off ‘Safe Search’ in Google and typing ‘ripped gym boys’. I made that mistake once. I’m blind now. You might really enjoy it though, in which case you should probably swap your lady for a lady-boy. I hear Thailand specialises in them.



Hope that helps JP, let us know how everything pans out for ya buddy.

That’s all for this weeks Tell The Tiger, peace out party people and have a killer weekend!



Remember, if you have difficulties with life in any way, size, shape or form, you too can Tell The Tiger by simply mailing him on tellthetiger@gmail.com and he will do his level best to address your troubles or your money back!

8 Responses to “Tell The Tiger (episode 3)”

  1. April 16, 2010 at 4:06 pm


    Oh fuck, I’ve had such a shit week. Trust YOU to cheer me up.


  2. 3 Jonno
    April 16, 2010 at 7:33 pm

    Great advice Tiger, specially the bit about ripping your eyes out with a silk worm.

    H.o.w.e.v.e.r …

    I’m concerned that you have a picture of 57 men giving cuddles so readily available. Not to mention the dude front left with his blue diaper.

    Very stressful for us jo-burg folk.

  3. 4 Thomas
    April 17, 2010 at 10:43 pm

    Slick boet, some poor oke comes to you for help on getting in his betty’s dirt track and you mock him for failing at life?

    Excellent. I am clapping right now.

    To the point about getting in your chick’s ass; The girls I talked to about it, majoirty were reluctant, to say the least. Some didn’t get why we just couldn’t keep having normal sex. Fools. Persusion is everything.

    Ex “But..I’m not keen..I’ve never done it..I don’t think its right” (But everything else we did was right!? – fucking chick logic”

    Thomas “I’ve never done it either (First lie) it can be our thing.” (People do tell me to get help)

    Ex “It’s going to hurt.” (No fucking shit)

    Thomas “You won’t have to worry about getting pregnant.” (Just some minor prolapsing)

    Ex “Why can’t we just have normal sex.” – (Like anything I did to them was normal)

    Thomas “Everyone’s doing anal. It’s the new black.” (No shame makes you free)

    Ex “I don’t know..Why do we have to?..It seems weird.” (You can tell when the begin to break)

    Tucker “It’s all the rage in Ventersdrop. I read in cosmo the models do it. Don’t you want to do modeling” (Zing!)

    You know deep down, I don’t care what you say, but make sure she is consenting otherwsie I’ll cut you.

    But really if you can’t ejaculate its becasue you don’t like her. Or your a homosexual. Pick your poison.

    • April 18, 2010 at 11:40 am

      The subtle switch between ‘Thomas’ and ‘Tucker’ did not go unnoticed by me. Good to know we’re reading off the same unholy hymn sheet because no matter what anyone tells you it is an undeniable truth that yes, assholes finish first 😉

      Love the advice, with our powers combined these okes’ lives will be flippin AWESOME… or we’ll cut them.


  4. 6 Thomas
    April 18, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    When in doubt, remember what Tucker taught.

    Also just a heads up – his next book, not as good.

  5. April 19, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Slick, that first picture reminds me of a movie trailer I had the misfortune to watching last week for a movie called “Human Centipede” – http://trailers.apple.com/trailers/independent/thehumancentipede/

    Watch it. Watch it NOW.

  6. May 4, 2010 at 7:01 pm

    Human Centipede ey? Sounds like a nice kids movie. Thanks Callegari, I’ll take my nieces to see it.

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