Archive for October 20th, 2010


Computer Retarded

My uncle is a fucking cool guy, but he’s computer retarded.

And yeah, I know what you’re thinking – maybe he posts dumb updates on Facebook or clicks ‘reply to all’ on emails and says things that make everyone cringe, but no, it’s much worse than that.



He uses a mouse that has a ball in it and the ball’s so full of gunk you end up looking like a complete spazz when you use it because you have to push the mouse across the pad five times to move the cursor from one side of the screen to the other.

Doesn’t phase my uncle though. He uses the machine because it has Microsoft Word and email, both of which he can sort of use. I tried to explain the internet to him once, but he flat out refused to understand what I was telling him.

So I take him three audio CDs that I’ve burned him and he tells me it’s cool, he’s recently learned how to play CDs on his computer, so he’s gonna give it a go.

I stand back and watch while he pushes the mouse backward and forward across the mouse pad a couple of times, all the while dragging desktop icons randomly around the place and dropping them into folders where they don’t belong.

Finally he positions the cursor over Winamp and double clicks it.

‘Cool,’ I say, ‘yeah that should be able to play the CDs.’

‘Yes. My friend showed me how this works.’


We stare at the screen. Nothing happens. My uncle double clicks again.

‘Um. I think just give it s-‘

He double clicks again.

‘Just give it a little time to open th-‘

He double clicks again.


We stare at the screen. Still nothing happens.

‘Maybe just put the CD in and see if it picks it up,’ I suggest.

‘Ok,’ he says and switches the computer off. We stare at the screen.

‘Why… did you just do that?’

‘Oh shit. Is it off?’


‘Oh. Sorry, I was trying to open it.’

‘Ok, that’s this button,’ I said, pointing to the eject button next to the CD drive. ‘So just… switch it on again…” I said and patiently waited while Windows Professional 2000 rebooted.

Once it was back up he wasted no time in double clicking the Winamp icon again and then one more time just to be sure.

‘Cool… lemme just put the CD in…” I said, hitting the eject button.

He double clicks again. The CD drive closes. He double clicks again.

After a few seconds, the CD drive makes a sound like an old hoover and starts playing t. he. C. D. lik. e. th. is.

‘Is it broken?’ he said, baffled.

‘Um, no. You’ve opened Winamp six times.’

‘Ah, I see.’

‘So let’s just close a few of these… hit play again… and… it’s a done deal…’

‘Ok, now it’s playing fine.’

‘Cool, can you remember that?’



‘Want a beer?’

‘God yes.’

And that’s what it’s like with computer retarded people. You can’t change them, but as long as there’s beer, everyone’s happy.