Asphalt Battlefield

When you drive roughly 44kms to work everyday, its pretty much a guarantee that at least 3 days out of 5, somebody somewhere is going to have an accident. When everyone’s back at school, varsity and work its a fucking mess because if there’s one thing South Africans are great at, its crashing their cars.



I remember reading somewhere that back in 2006 we killed more people on our roads than the total number of British and US troops killed in Afghanistan and I can believe that because its a fucking warzone out there! As I write this, I’m sitting in gridlocked traffic on the N2 that started about 1km from the R300 and looks like it’s going to be like this all the fucking way in and the longer I sit here crawling along in first gear, the greater my thirst for carnage grows.



See boys and girls, that’s what traffic does to you. After months and months of moving sluggishly down the same fucking stretch of road because some asshole who got his license in a lucky packet has tail-ended some other asshole who was smsing his asshole friends on the highway, you start getting a kick out of that moment when you finally get to see what it was that fucked your morning up.

It becomes an addiction. I see gridlocked traffic and I swear to god my neck turns to rubber in about 3 seconds flat.

I want to see bashed up cars and don’t give me two, I want FOUR goddamnit! I want to see ambulances, I want to see police cars, fuck, I want to see fucking FIRE TRUCKS! I want to see total Armageddon because that way I feel satisfied and God help anyone who has to deal with me if I DON’T see that shit because I’ll tell you right now that as a long distance commuter, there is nothing as fucking lame and frustrating as half an hour of 1st gear traffic and no mangled cars at the end of it.

It’s a joke without a punchline, it’s fucking Diet Coke and I’ll have none of it thank you very much.

Lately it’s so bad that I’ve started actually taking pictures of the accidents that fuck my mornings up, and in extreme cases, videos (courtesy of my slick and shiny Nokia N8 – PRODUCT PUNT, KAPOW!).



And THAT is why I’m moving the hell out of Stellenbosch, FINALLY!

Tomorrow I get the keys to my new place in Vredehoek and goddamn! As much as I’ve become addicted to the fucking asphalt battlefield out there, I can’t wait to hop in my car and hop out 15 minutes later at work.

To anyone who has to brave the long-haul to work everyday, I feel your pain and yes, you are more than welcome to share your pictures and videos of roadside carnage, you know I won’t judge Winking smile


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