Three Great Reasons Why Never To Watch The Human Centipede

Here, in no particular order, are three great reasons why never to watch the horror movie The Human Centipede:

Reason No.1: Only One Person In The Entire Film Can Actually Act

I don’t think I have to go into too much detail here except to further explain that that one person also happens to be the mentally deranged surgeon who is the film’s main antagonist and who randomly decides one day that it would be fun to kidnap three people and surgically attach them to each other ass-to-mouth to make, well, a human centipede.

I’m not joking. Someone actually made this film.


Reason No.2: Who The Hell Wants To Watch A Movie About People Who Are Surgically Attached To One Another Ass To Mouth?

Who indeed. Shelve your morbid curiosity for this one, you’ll be a lot better off in the long run without the mental images of three people crawling around on all fours, “feeding” one another.

Reason No.3: You See The Deranged Surgeon’s Naked Butt

Which is pretty much twice as terrifying as the actual monster he creates and then spends the rest of the movie hanging out with.

“Fetch the newspaper human centipede! Fetch the paper! Goooooood human centipede!”

I shit you not. This is the worst movie ever created. EVER.

Final Verdict: 1/10


5 Responses to “Three Great Reasons Why Never To Watch The Human Centipede”

  1. February 17, 2011 at 10:36 am

    Worst movie ever made? You obviously haven’t seen American Cyborg: Steel Warrior – http://mzan.si/51du

    • February 17, 2011 at 1:14 pm

      Un-fucking-believable! I think that’s the worst 5 minutes of cinematography I’ve ever seen.

      Look, that’s bad in a whole different kind of way to Human Centipede. Lemme know if you get your hands on a copy though, I think I’m on to something here.

      “The SlickTiger Guide to Really, Really Shit Movies”.

      Haha! Gold!


  2. 3 See0wer
    February 17, 2011 at 12:50 pm

    I also had the misfortune of scarring my fragile little mind with this piece of cinematic excrement.

    Why didn’t you mention anything of the wonderfully cliche’d storyline? Two slutty american teens go on a road trip through Europe when their car breaks down in the woods at night so naturally they go walking around alone and find a creepy mansion with a mad scientist. Uwe Boll would be proud.

    You want to know something really scary? The movie’s full title is “The Human Centipede (First Sequence)” with the key word being First, as in first of many. I read somewhere that writer/director Tom Six is busy shitting out a sequel named “The Human Centipede (Full Sequence)”.

    Jeebus help us all.

    • February 17, 2011 at 1:25 pm

      Yeah, I did notice that ‘First Sequence’ part. I was hoping that was just some arty way of naming the film or something, because the thought of having to sit through a sequel is about as appealing as slamming my balls as hard as I can between two bricks.

      What is wrong with people? At what point in your life do you decide that what this world really needs is a film about people who are horrifically surgically altered and forced to live out the rest of their days gobbling each other’s pooh?

      All I can say is I’m glad you suffered through this too brother. Feel free to submit a write up of the sequel cause yeah, definitely gonna sit that one out…


  3. 5 guitar Jon
    February 18, 2011 at 8:08 am

    I personally love the “100% Medically Accurate”

    Like the writer sat down with a doctor and asked:
    “So, if i had to stitch up three people ass-to-mouth, they would
    be able to survive for at least the duration of my film?”

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