25
May
11

Awesome Stray Cat Recipe

So yeah.

As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.

It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.

There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.

 

 

Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.

However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!

The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.

 

 

Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.

The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.

It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!

I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:

 

Stray cat and lentil soup

 

 

Ingredients:

1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry

Method:

Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.

Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.

Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.

Et voila!

A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”

 

 

Ain’t life peachy.

-ST


12 Responses to “Awesome Stray Cat Recipe”


  1. 1 CatHunter
    May 25, 2011 at 12:53 pm

    Cats, high in protein, high in supply, who could argue that this isn’t a great idea.

    One addition:

    On a recent evening jaunt, I stumbled into the bowels of Ratanga Junction. A still evening, sometime in mid-April. Rounding a corner, in between the Cobra and food-court, I interrupted an army, yes a fucking ARMY, of cats. As soon as the gates close and people head home, these little monsters come out to feast, in swarms.

    I’m not well acquainted with Cats of the Waterfront variety, but these buggers are tough as. A couple of them, larger and better-fed, have the whole thousand-yard stare going on. My advice would be to ignore your gut and go for an up and comer, large but yet to earn his marks as a murderous beast. This way you’ll find the happy medium, not-quite-full but vital organs intact.

    Best of luck in your future meal-time hunting-trips.

    • May 25, 2011 at 2:01 pm

      Ratanga Junction you say? I’ll look into that…
      Thanks for the advice CatHunter. In return I’ll let you come have a browse through the Waterfront cats and take one or two home if you’re interested?
      Let the good times roll 😉
      -ST

  2. 3 dp
    May 26, 2011 at 5:38 am

    I wish we ate cat here instead of dog. I used to imagine that past shells were made from the mini-ear that cats have inside their ears. Yum. Remember to cook thoroughly. The filthy vermin are infested with nasties like salmonella which ironically makes for a good, soaked-in marinade if you roast the beast over a low flame for a hour or two.

  3. 5 Andrea Mitchell
    January 16, 2012 at 9:13 am

    This is THE most disturbing and shocking thing I have EVER read. Firstly, thank you for bringing the public’s attention to a very volatile situation that undeserving animals (yes, ANIMALS) find themselves in due to the stupidity of so called HUMANS.
    How cowardly, to attack the defenceless.
    Understood that whilst your post may be in jest, it is a poor showing of “human nature”, which is so cowardly that it must turn its energy on those that are unable to respond lest said “human” ACTUALLY be faced with a hint of a compassion, let alone a conscious awareness.
    I am disgusted, and frankly, I suggest you find something that may just be a tad USEFUL to human nature, to take up what is clearly way too much time on your part.

    • January 16, 2012 at 6:33 pm

      Hi Andrea,

      If this is some kind of trick to get me to share some stray cats with you I want you to know that I am SHOCKED! Had you just asked POLITELY, I would have gladly put a few in a box and sent them your way.

      Instead you come with this sneaky, underhanded approach, pretending to be some kind of champion of animal rights, attacking me with arguments that are as flimsy as balloon-swords in an attempt to what? Snatch some delicious cat-meat away from me while I’m overcome with remorse?

      Not gonna happen. No delicious kitties for you Andrea, you’ve blown it I’m afraid…

      -ST

  4. 7 Tobias
    January 17, 2012 at 8:59 am

    Flip Slick!

    Nice job seeing threw her clever trick! I would have fell for that in a Instant.

    Andrea, who is CLEARLY a lover of the Stray-cat Dela-ciousy AND has at least 100 strong of those tasty rascals hidden in her basement, Probaly also “Boering” with them as we speak. Is the REAL culprit here! At least we are honest about it. And better yet, at least we let those majestic beasts run free and go out with dignity. That is way better than hiding them from the world, in some Simple cage.

    YOU should be ashamed! Even more ashamed then someone listening to Lady Gaga! Now if you’ll excuse me. I’m off for a morning hunt. Don’t want to go sleeping hungry tonight. I already wasted all my extra cash paying some oke for using his laptop just to flippin comment on THIS!

  5. 8 dp
    July 20, 2012 at 11:05 am

    i’m back here after reading your “Duscusting” post. Just had a flash- do you think Andrea is a vegan?


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