Archive for September, 2011


Happy Second Birthday SlickTiger!

stripper cakeExactly two years and one day ago I pushed this site out lovingly from the moist, slippery birth canals of my twisted mind.

Can you believe it’s already been two years?! Christ, if I’d actually dedicated all this time to writing a novel like I’d originally planned and stuck to writing it as religiously as I blog on this site, I’d have a fucking masterpiece by now.

But, conversely, I never would have met all you, my happy little gang of imaginary internet friends so yeah… um… whoop whoop dee doo?

Joking! You know I love you goofy basterds. That’s the one thing you learn about blogging right from the get-go, every comment you get on your site is like a little hit of internet crack and once you get started on that shit you’ll blog about your own dead mother to get more!

I think it’s been a pretty fun ride so far. Sure, sometimes I write about utter shite just for the sake of posting that day but I’m only human. I can’t think up earth-shattering posts every day. Hell, if I manage one a MONTH I’m happy.



But enough about me, this post is about YOU – my loyal readers who come back time and time again to see what the Tiger’s been up to, what weird shit he’s cooked up today.

Civilian, Seer0wer, Guitar Jon, DP, Jax, Psymon, Action, Mattcredible, Megs (the ORIGINAL Slicky-T groupie), Callegari, Tara, Supa Dan, The MAEN, Ricksaw, Flavid, 1/2 a Rent, Peggles and Stikey just to name a few. You guys are the shit. I’d write this site until hell froze over just for you guys.

Thank you for being total badasses and hitting this site like it’s a prime piece of 18 year old ass and you’re the creepy PE teacher who touches his students inappropriately while they’re stretching.



Empires will rise and fall, but this junkyard site will float on through the blogosphere, edging ever closer to the event horizon, the still point of the turning universe and when we get there we will see the beginning again and we will know it for the first time…

And so we beat on, boats against the current, borne back ceaselessly into the past.

I’d like to play out with a song close to my heart. It’s Eagles Of Death Metal with “Whore-hoppin’ (Shit, Goddamn)”



Shine on you crazy diamonds Winking smile



Okes Who Like To Klap It #6: Legwarmer Boychay

Ronny Rockel 194Hasit ma charnas!

So I was in the gym the other day for my late night session, KLAPPING it so stukkend I had to beat the belters off me with a barbell when I saw a boychay who had taken things to THE NEXT LEVEL!

This charna walks in with the confidence of 10 men and immediately all the belters start staring at him like the oke has some kinda magical aurora and no matter how much I grunted between reps or how hard I chucked the weights against the floor, it didn’t make a flippin’ difference!

EVERYONE was watching this charna!

Then I checked the oke’s legs. The boychie was wearing lekker retro-black moffie socks that looked like something Jane Fondle used to wear back when all the chicks were GROT OTTERS!



I had a good lag checking this dof ou walking around the gym like he owned the flippin place, when all he looked like was a doos.

But then the oke started KLAPPING his sets and I’m not lying when I say the WHOLE GYM stopped to check him. I took a pic lekker sneaky James Bond style even though the police said I’m not allowed to since the insident with my camera phone in the men’s bathroom so ja… it’s a little blurry…



It was like nothing I have never seen before! The oke was EATING WEIGHTS the size of my ex-girlfriend Toni without even breaking a flippin’ sweat.



I can only surmine that the boychay’s lekker retro-black moffie socks were giving him some kind of superb human strength by forcing his circlation to SKIP HIS LEGS and go straight to focus on a oke’s most important muscles – BICEPS AND PECS!

This oke is an example to all charnas out there. I’ve already bought myself 10 PAIRS of lekker retro-pienk moffie socks to KLAP it in and lemme tell you, okes are so impressed they’ve started whistling in appreciation whenever I walk by.

Do don’t be flippin’ DOF okes, if you want to lift 60% heavier weights and therefore achieve 71% more success with the belters, listen to your pal Slicky-T and KLAP LEGWARMERS BOET!

Any oke that does that gets a post to celebrate his buffness, guaranteed!

See you in the gym Winking smile



Lets Just Pretend Theres A Post Here

12515Cause I’m tired. Bone-tired. And I honestly don’t have a damn thing to say today that’s worth writing, much less reading.

Actually no, I lie I do have one thing to say. It’s a joke my friend Mark Wahlberg told me.

These two friends go hunting for moose one day and the one says to the other, “Hey, let’s split up!”

So the other one’s like “Ok” and they go their separate ways.

Some time passes and the one friend hears something rustling in the bushes in front of him, so he raises his rifle and gets ready to shoot.

Next thing he knows his buddy jumps out and says, “Wait! Don’t shoot! I’m not a moose!”

BANG! The other buddy pops him off.



“What the hell did you just do?!” the buddy who got shot says, blood gushing out his neck, “didn’t you hear me say I’m not a moose?!”

“Oh shit!” his friend says, completely shocked.

“I thought you said you were a moose!”





Finally! a Diet Plan That Actually Works!

anorexic-model-9Diet plans have gotten a lot of bad press recently because food companies have cottoned onto the fact that when people are on them (the diet plans), they eat less.

Eating less is the sole cause of food companies losing out on millions and millions of USD every year and is basically the reason America is going bankrupt.

But what if I told you that there is finally a diet plan that allows you the best of both worlds! Eating as much food as you want (sometimes) AND still losing weight. That’s right folks, courtesy of my good buddy Civilian, I’d like to present to you the Butterfield Diet!



And that, boys and girls, is all I got today.

Teatime’s over.

Back on your heads.



SlickTiger Revolutionises Braai Day

All-in-one-Braai-PackDon’t get me wrong, I love a good braai just as much as the next South African. What better way to spend a sunny day than with good friends, cold beers and the mouth-watering aroma of delicious animals sizzling above a blanket of red hot coals.

It’s ingrained in our DNA. It’s as natural to South Africans as making chocolate is to the Swiss or being snooty pricks is to the French.

However, as a concerned global citizen I think we should pause for a minute and consider whether making EVERYONE IN THE COUNTRY BRAAI AT THE SAME TIME is really that smart.

Think about the countless thousands of kilos of wood and fossil fuels that were consumed this past weekend. Imagine all the forests that were cut down to satiate the burning desire that National Braai Day has created in South Africans of every creed and colour to braai the shit out of everything from mielies to mutton.

Which brings me neatly to my next point – the meat. Anyone read any statistics of how much meat was actually consumed this weekend? I shudder to think about the kilometres of boerie and tons of sosaties crammed into the mouths of Saffers in a desperate attempt to feel some kind of kinship with one another that doesn’t involve cheering for people who run around fields kicking / hitting different shaped balls.



Those animals had FAMILIES! They had amazing, bright futures ahead of them until we ground them up with their parents and children to make nice fat coils of Grabouw Farm Style boerie – buy in bulk and save!

Not to mention all the grain those animals had to be fed, all the millions of Rands spent pumping them full of vaccines, growth hormones and god knows what else to ensure that they don’t die until we decide they’re good and ready, and when that moment comes, they are the Incredible Hulks of the animal kingdom.

Day to day this shit doesn’t bother me, but it’s when we encourage EVERYONE TO DO IT AT THE SAME TIME that I start to wonder whether this is the brightest idea…



And so J-Rab and I came up with an ingenious alternative to Braai Day that I will be actively encouraging everyone to get involved in next year because you’d be a fucking retard not to.

It’s called NAAI DAY.

It involves literally waking up in the morning and dedicating an entire day to naaing.

Of course, the big aim of Naai Day will be to promote safe sex, which is why I’ll be approaching every condom manufacturer known to man to sponsor this nation wide campaign, because let’s be honest, as fun as braaing is, it will never beat spending the entire day naaing.

Naysayers will come at me with torches and pitchforks saying how irresponsible it is to promote an entire day devoted to banging in a country where AIDS is rife, family planning is non-existent and rape is a major issue, but I’ll say “be cool daddy-o” to all those naysayers because educating people about those things and creating awareness around those contentious issues is what Naai Day is ALL ABOUT.



Plus, it’s the perfect way to celebrate our heritage! We wouldn’t fucking exist if it weren’t for naaing so why not celebrate that fact by spending some real quality time with the one you love, making love.

I’m serious here guys. I just think that Braai Day is an unsustainable idea and one that, if it’s allowed to continue to grow year by year, is going to melt the polar ice caps, kill of entire plant and animal species and lead to us bankrupting the world’s natural resources to the point where all that will be left of the world by the time our grandkids are born is a barren wasteland of rusted Webers and broken braai tongs.

Compare that with a day spent enjoying the fun of safe, consensual, mind-blowingly amazing sex again and again and again and it’s a no-brainer guys, really.



So who’s with me here! Together we can make Naai Day a reality and save the world by doing what our ancestors and our ancestor’s ancestors have been doing since the dawn of mankind.

Fucking like our lives depend on it.




The Tiger Hits Up The Nokia N9 Launch, Champagne Ensues…

Marko AhtisaariWhen Marko Ahtisaari, Nokia’s global head of design, began speaking at the Nokia N9 launch, the entire room went quiet.

Not because he was overbearing, not because he dominated the room with his presence, but because he spoke with a kind of humility that endeared him to his audience almost immediately.

Listening to him, I got the impression that he was carefully measuring every word as he spoke, yet his speech flowed so freely it felt like he was just shooting the breeze with us as he explained how he and his team designed the Nokia N9.

His bio notes that Marko is a keen observer of the patterns of human interaction and it’s through observing these basic patterns that he came up with some of the fundamental philosophies the N9 is based on.

Smartphones have changed the way we interact with one another and not all those changes have been positive. It’s become all too common to go out and see groups of friends or couples or families with their heads down, furiously communicating with everyone but the people they are sitting across from.



Marko’s main goal in designing the N9 is to give us that interaction back by designing a phone that’s so intuitive you can use it and still interact with the world and the people around you.

Back in the day Nokia phones had two great things going for them, you could use them with one hand and you could do that without having to glue your eyes to the screen.

Touch phones changed all that. Try typing an SMS on a touch screen phone without looking at the screen and the results would end up in an Autocorrect email before you knew what hit you.



Marko explained that the N9 is an attempt to create a user experience that doesn’t require you to put your life on hold every time you want to use your phone.

To borrow from the press release, one of the key features of the Nokia N9 is its ability to return users to the home screen from any open application by simply swiping from the edge of the device. It makes menu and application navigation extremely simple and slick which, combined with the fact that the N9 doesn’t have any physical buttons, all contributes to the overall look and feel of the product which I can tell you from using it first hand, is very impressive.

What really blew my mind though was the integration of Near Field Communication (NFC) into the N9. What this means, in layman’s terms, is that you can pair the phone with other NFC accessories like headphones and speakers by simply touching them together.


You can also share images and content with other NFC devices which means if I want to share a pic with you, I can literally tap my phone against yours and BANG! The pic transfers to your phone.

The only slight downside is the fact that they’ve downsized the camera from the monster 12 megapixels that the N8 comes packing to 8 megapixels in order to keep the design of the product more neat and tidy (the N8 camera is such a beast it actually protrudes from the body of the phone, so I can understand why they decided to go with something a little tidier for the N9).

BUT, like Marko pointed out to me when I spoke with him about the N9’s camera, the shot-to-shot time on the N9 is lightening fast and with a lens aperture of f/2.2 and dual LED flash it performs amazingly well in low light conditions.

All in all, the N9 launch was definitely one of the more memorable launches I’ve been to recently. The champagne flowed endlessly, the horse doovers were delicious and the dancers who went up on stage to perform were even so kind as to spell out a “T” for Slicky-T.



So watch this space boys and girls. Really hoping the kind folks at Nokia will hook a brother up with the N9 so I can give you a better idea of how this sexy little piece of technology actually performs, but until then, here are some more pics to drool over.





Have a killer weekend party people, see you on the other side Winking smile



A Camera Lens That Can See Into The FUTURE

sigmalens_miniAmazon user reviews are the SHIZ! I mean, it doesn’t happen all the time, but once in awhile the people who trawl Amazon find a product so ridiculous it’s practically BEGGING for people to take the piss.

Enter the $26 000 35-pound giant green Sigma 200-500mm camera lens (thanks Tim!). A lens so huge it can instantly turn you into a giant douche the second you fit it onto your camera.

More hilarious than the lens itself are the reviews “users” wrote on Amazon, some of which I’ve included below to brighten up your Thursday, KAPOW! (Shamelessly stolen from PetaPixel).



Almost better than my $150 55-500mm Point and Shoot!

Good deal from Amazon. I was actually just surfing around looking for a replacement point and shoot camera when I happily stumbled upon the sigma zoom lens. When I saw that it was $38,000 I knew I had to have it. But then I saw that it was on sale for only $24,000. Oh Joy. I ordered two of them. For only 20 grand more, I now have two 100 pound lenses. They fit nicely on my old $50 Pentax SLR.

I tried this lens while shooting birds at Yosemite but the park ranger called the SWAT team on me because he thought I was trying to bazooka the wildlife. End of trip.

I needed a crowd photo for my art director but four cop cars drew down on me because they thought I was trying to fire a missile at pedestrians. End of shooting session.

I finally was able to use this lens to break down the front door to my home because I locked myself out the other day. It broke the door down nicely but unfortunately, the lens shattered in the process. It’s a good thing that I purchased two of these.

In short, if you are looking to pay over 100 times more for a telephoto zoom lens instead of a point and shoot zoom camera for a little under $200, this is absolutely a steal at $24K because you’re saving $10K on the purchase. Oh, did I mention it’s free shipping on this item?

The downside is that I can’t keep this lens in the house because it scares my children and pets. But so be it, I love this lens



The “Big Bang” Looks Beautiful From Here

I purchased this lens with the intent to look back in space-time and see the Big Bang unfold first hand. I must say it was a little difficult to find the correct line of visibility within the Hubble Deep Field, but after a few precision adjustments, I was finally looking at the origins of our universe. Seriously Awesome!

I don’t want to spoil it for you, but you CAN make out God quite nicely while he’s assembling the fundamental forces of physics. Teaser: He’s NOT a white dude with a beard!



Pro fotog

This is a great lens. Have had it for 2 weeks now. Mostly use it in macro mode in my search for the Higgs boson. But when not using for subatomic particle work, I use for weddings. One client was getting married a few hundred miles away. Of course I didn’t need to fly in for the wedding…thank you Sigma. Yes, this lens has its drawbacks, we all know about them – yes you are actually focusing on things that potentially happened long ago – get over it. With low CA and a flat field of view – I can live with the drawbacks.

One note: my copy FF a little when inside the earth-moon radius, and I don’t have AF micro adjust on my rebel xt. Sent in to Sigma for adjustment and came back fine. Even with all the trouble, still great upgrade from my kit lens.

As you were Winking smile



TreeFiddy Review: The Kooks – Junk Of The Heart

kooks_junk_of_the_heartThe Down Lizzo:

The Kooks new album Junk Of The Heart sure as hell isn’t going to deliver any earth-shattering curveballs in terms of the musical direction they’ve chosen, nor is it going to top the previous success they’ve enjoyed with Inside In/Inside Out and Konk but I’ll tell you what it IS going to do – make you wish you’d never bought it.

Despite what the band would have you believe Junk Of The Heart is hardly a departure from their signature sound unless you factor in the lack of spontaneity and energy that made their previous albums great.

Sure, it will charm you with its happy-go-lucky vibes on the first few listens, but it’s unfortunately one of those albums you can play on repeat for an afternoon (on Saturday I did just that) and come out the other side not really remembering one single track.



Sick Tracks

The gentle, dreamy acoustic ditty “Petulia” stood out for me because of its clean, stripped-down production and rich acoustic tone. The kind of song summers are made of, whistful and nostalgic. Even has birds chirping in the background. Lovely.

“Junk Of The Heart” is also a winner. Boasting one of the only hooks that actually finds its mark on the album and a sneaky psychedelic guitar solo / bridge, it’s a great opener to an otherwise pretty mediocre album.

With its fuzzy basslines, “Mr Nice Guy” is a notable departure from the other material on the album but comes to an abrupt end before it feels like it’s actually gotten anywhere.

The rest all smack of “meh”. There isn’t one track on this album that could hold a flame to “Naive” or “Ooh La” or “Always Where I Need To Be” or even “Seaside”.



Should You Give A Shit?

Nope. You really shouldn’t. At it’s best all this album really adds up to is playlist filler. The next time you have some friends over to enjoy a nice cuppa Chamomile tea, this album will be right at home playing quietly in the background.

Here’s “Petulia” for you to listen to while you drift off to a faraway land to feed the ducks.



Final verdict: 5/10



World’s funniest Analogies

Analogy - AnalogyDon’t you love it when people (usually your parents) send you the same funny email / video you saw five years ago?

That’s the beauty of the interwebs. The same content gets sent round and round and round endlessly, getting a little less funny each time you see it, as is the case with the “world’s funniest analogies”.

I first read some of these back when I was in highschool which means they’ve been kicking around for AT LEAST a year now, but what the hell.

Some are new so I thought I’d share because I was too busy KLAPPING GYM last night to think up a post to write.

So here, according to the interwebs, are some of the world’s funniest analogies that are supposedly found in actual student’s papers (unlikely):


He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.



The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn’t.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East



Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up

Alright. Back to work everyone. Those McDonalds burgers aren’t going to flip themselves Winking smile



Baking Becomes Evil

bld141867You say “baking” and I think of a plump, grandmotherly woman in a pink frilly apron working a rolling pin whilst humming happily to herself in the afternoon sun.

Well, that’s what I used to think when you said “baking”. NOW, thanks to the wonder of the internet, when you say “baking” I break out into cold sweats, my eyes darting nervously around the room to see if somehow, somewhere one of the nightmarish creations I’m about to show you could be lurking in the shadows.

So brace yourselves for this one. It ain’t for the faint-hearted. What you’re about to see is the product of a depraved mind, much like this site actually Winking smile

Exhibit A is the work of Oakland-based artist Scott Hove, who created the following pieces as part of an upcoming show in San Francisco called “Your Deadly Desserts”.

“Deadly” definitely being the operative word in that last sentence…






Now that we’ve got the tame stuff out the way, let’s clear the stage and let the fucking THAI show us how to really crank it up a notch on the weird-shit-o-meter.

Kittiwat Unarrom is a humble baker who spends his days toiling happily in his bakery creating baked goods that look exactly like human body parts.

What. The. Fuck.





If you can handle more of that, here’s a fucking creepy video with no subtitles or narration that takes you on a tour of this freak show’s bakery. Apparently these pics are old (circa 2005) so this place may or may not still exist, BUT there’s a Thai tour company that still offers visits there.



Feeling hungry anyone?