Archive for May, 2012



18
May
12

The Tiger Listens To 5FM, Gets Scarred For Life

blow-torch_01For about three years, maybe more, I flat out refused to listen to commercial radio in South Africa and my rationale was pretty simple.

I don’t listen to the songs I like five times a day, so hearing music that infuriates me on infinite repeat was about as fun as shaving my balls with a blowtorch.

Recently though, maybe because I’m getting old or because my fighting spirit has been broken, I’ve been listening to 5FM in the mornings because sometimes I get a chuckle out of it, with the exception of this morning when a woman phoned in and scarred me FOR LIFE.

It started out innocently enough – a woman who sounds like she’s in her 40s calls the station to tell Gareth this ambling story about how she wished she’d gotten through for some competition or other about things you’ve fixed (or something like that, I’ll be honest, at this point I wasn’t paying much attention, the conversation was pretty boring).

 

 

Gareth asked her if she enters a lot of competitions because she sounded like one of those creepy serial competition-entering types and she said no, her job doesn’t really allow for that.

“Why?” asked Gareth, “Do you work in a sweatshop or something?”

“No,” she replied, “I work in the morgue.”

Just wait, it gets better / worse.

“Oh wow, that’s pretty hectic,” Gareth said, “what do you do there?”

And I shit you not, her reply (which is still echoing in my head) made me feel intensely uncomfortable.

“I put humpty dumpty back together again,” she said, as the whole of South Africa whispered “what the… fuck…?” in morning traffic.

 

 

No one in the studio seemed particularly distressed by this news at that point and started firing all these questions at the woman during the course of which another two nuggets of disturbing shit dropped out (wonderful mental picture right there):

1. She works exclusively on CHILDREN
2. She will sometimes work on as many as 9 A WEEK!

They asked her if she gets to see a psychologist as part of the job, to which she replied “No, I don’t.”

Now, I don’t want you guys to get the wrong idea here, what she does is a necessary service, and one that probably makes it easier for grieving parents and families to say goodbye, but still, it gave me the willies man!

“I put Humpty Dumpty back together again…”

 

 

And just like that, the nursery-rhyme analogy makes perfect sense.

Because it’s children…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be staring unresponsively off into space, probably until Monday…

Have a… killer weekend? Disappointed smile

-ST

17
May
12

Why Don’t You Read The Oatmeal?

oatmealI try to stay as up-to-date as possible on the interwebs, but with the sheer volume of content out there, it isn’t humanly possible to catch EVERYTHING first.

Most of the people I know are the same, with the exception of a few laggards who rely on people sending them content in clipart-heavy emails.

So usually when I’m talking to someone about a badass site on the interwebs that has been up for a few years, they know what I’m talking about, with the notable exception of one of THE best sites on the internet, The Oatmeal.

If you guys don’t read The Oatmeal, you HAVE to sort that shit out right away. Go there now and read EVERYTHING. It beats the shit out of reading this junkyard site – go! Scoot! We can’t be friends until you’ve read everything on that site and can quote it verbatim.

 

 

To get you started, here are some of my favourites:

Why Working From Home Is Both Awesome And Horrible

6 Reasons To Ride A Polar Bear To Work

How God Is Managing The 2011 Rapture

Why We Should Be Eating Horses Instead Of Riding Them

6 Reasons Bacon Is Better Than True Love

This isn’t on his site, but it’s his work – The 8 Phases Of Dating

So what, right? The guy draws some funny cartoons, gets a few laughs, big deal, who gives a fuck?

Well, the reason I decided to feature The Oatmeal today is cause yesterday I came across his latest piece on why Nikola Tesla was the greatest geek who ever lived and it blew my mind.

Thing about Matthew Inman (the guy who does basically EVERYTHING on The Oatmeal) is that for all his toilet humour and weirdness, he’s actually a really smart guy who from time to time, makes your brain LEARN SHIT.

Matthew, I hope you don’t sick the pterodactyls on me for stealing this piece dude, but it’s awesome and my readers need to know this shit.

Check it.

 

 

Some epic shit right there boys and girls. Some epic sheeit indeed.

Who knew Edison was such a gigantic fuckstickle?! “Don’t talk to me about X-rays, I’m afraid of them.”

Hahahahaha! What a fucking douche-tard.

Other level shit people.

Other. Level. Shit.

-ST

16
May
12

Okes Who Like To Klap It #14: Mullet CHarna

he-manHazit boychays and belters!

Remember sometimes ago when I wrote about how once in awhile a charna comes along who is a boychay who is a insp-HIRATION to other boychays, a oke who is UNAFRAID to flippin become a MASTER OF THE UNIVERSE like the ultimate gym-klapper of all time and my personal hero HE-OKE?

Ja, well that charna, who okes now call THE CHOSEN CHARNA, has done a flippin OFF THE CHAIN video he asked me to put up a few days ago but I forgot because I was in court after this thing that happened at Tiger Tiger where I took too much JUICE and put some okes in hospital.

I mean seriously?! How’s this: this bloody moffie-oke comes up to me and has the flippin’ BALLS to say “Sorry man, have you got a light?”

I mean, what a CHOP! “Seriously oke,” I said to him, “are you chewing a brick or are you looking at me? Either way you gonna LOSE YOUR TEETH!”

But forget that kak. Check out this schweet video, which has all my 3 favourite things: charnas, doof-doof music and H20!

 

 

But wait okes! It get’s better!

If you’re one of the first 50 okes to leave a comment after this post, you’ll get a free, flippin’ MASSIVE-SIZED poster* of that very charna from the video that you can hang on your living room that looks like this:

 

 

BE a charna, GET the belters and be the AWESOMEST OKE YOU CAN BE.

FISTSPLOSION!

-ST

 

*A4 MASSIVE BOET! OTHER LEVEL SHIT CHARNA!

16
May
12

Treefiddy Review: Silversun Pickups – Neck Of The Woods

12027_01The Down Lizzo:

Silversun Pickups carved out an interesting sound with their first two albums that hovers somewhere between 90s alt rock and 00’s noise pop.

The result was some pretty intriguing, broody material that, for all it’s shoegazing tendencies, also delivered a solid, satisfying punch to the gut when it needed to.

Not so much on the band’s third album, Neck Of The Woods, which features all the epic build-ups and breakdowns this band is known for, but very little of the gutspa that made their previous two albums awesome.

In a sentence, it’s an album of stadium-sized ambitions crippled by chronic stage-fright.

Sick Tracks:

Having said that, there is still enough solid material on this album to warrant a listen, just don’t come with the expectation their first two albums created and you’ll probably find a few gems if you scratch around a little.

The warm guitar tone and frantic riff on “Mean Spirits” grabbed me from the get-go as did the way they tear the ass out of the chorous.

 

 

I also appreciated the fact that they save one of the best tracks for last – “Out Of Breath” builds slowly to a machine-gun stuttering drum beat in the chorous before wandering off and losing focus somewhat.

“Here We Are (Chancer)” is a nice change of pace and might be the only song on the album they give some space to breathe.

Should You Give A Shit:

I really don’t know how to answer this question, which I guess is a kind of answer in itself.

With most songs clocking in at the 5 minute mark, a lot of the songs are drawn out way longer than they should be.

 

 

Add the mid-tempo pace of 70% of the material on this album and the result is an album that limps along, getting lost in an introspective, other-thought structural muddle of competing melodies.

It’s all snarl and no teeth, sadly.

Here’s “Mean Spirits” so you guys can decide for yourselves:

 

 

Final verdict: 6/10

-ST

15
May
12

Retarded Family Invites Apex Predator Into Home

C19AF8A2F4825A69DC504852CD8Human beings are by far the dumbest creatures on this planet. We think we’re so much better than the rest of creation because we’ve learned to harness it, but what are we doing with all that godly power?

Destroying everything we see. Pulling the rug out from under our own feet, burning through the planet’s natural resources faster than you can blink an eye.

We think we are somehow above it all, like we somehow know and have always known best. We do not learn from our past mistakes. Case in point, Brakpan residents Michael and Jacqui Jamieson, who have adopted a “pet” Bengal tiger.

They call the tiger “Enzo” after carmaker Enzo Ferrari (classy) and from what I can tell they’ve had it since last year August when the tiger was a cub.

Now Enzo is weighing in at about 50kg, which is about a quarter of what his full adult weight will be, you can see from the pictures below that he’s already looking pretty goddamn huge, but this is nothing compared to what ol’ Enzo will look like when he reaches maturity.

 

 

And yeah, I’m sure the Jamiesons (who have no less than 12 dogs and 6 cats) are kind, loving, caring foster parents to Enzo and give him all the love and attention he could ever wish for, but I can guarantee you that no matter how well they try to raise and domesticate this tiger, it will not end well.

J-Rab has worked with a whole range of big cats from lions to pumas to cheetahs to leopards and of course, tigers and while she formed the closest, most intimate bond with the tigers she worked with and loved them to pieces, she always had a healthy respect form them.

The reason why is simple. Tigers are vastly intelligent creatures. They have the smarts of humans combined with the instincts of an apex predator, backed by over 200kgs of bone and muscle. Throw in 5 inch (12cm!) canines and claws that could tear your entire face off with a casual swipe and you’re basically living with death incarnate.

 

 

One day, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow or the next day, but one day that tiger’s going to wake up in a shitty mood and when “dad” starts on his, “off the couch kitty!” bullshit, ol’ Enzo’s genetic legacy as the fiercest apex predator on the planet is going to kick in and IF the Jamiesons survive that day, every one after it will never be the same.

A very dark, very sick part of me says “fuck it”. Let ‘em keep the tiger. It’ll be the first fair fight between man and tiger to happen in a very long time, let’s see who comes out tops…

But of course, it’s never fair is it?

If the tiger so much as lays a claw on either of those people, it’ll be deemed a danger to society and put down within a week.

And trust me, it WILL lay a claw on these people. Here are some videos that prove that fact:

 

 

Here’s one of the tiger riding around in Michael’s Lamborghini. Responsible.

 

 

Am I being a jerk here? Am I out of line in calling these people retarded for taking a highly endangered and dangerous animal as a pet?

I just think it’s selfish, stupid and wrong.

Tigers are magnificent, powerful creatures not fucking house cats.

-ST

14
May
12

What Actors Are Actually Taking When They Get Loaded On-Screen

779If I had to make a list of every movie or TV series I’ve ever watched where people smoke, toke, shoot, and shnarf all manner of supposed “drugs” it would be a mile long.

Drug use in movies and series is becoming increasingly prevalent, which always leads me to wonder what the fuck they are actually ingesting.

For a long time I figured it was just the real thing and that there was probably some dodgey pact that Hollywood made decades ago with law enforcement to just turn a blind eye to it in exchange for some fat kickbacks.

But apparently it’s highly illegal for any controlled substances to be used on camera (what happens off camera is anyone’s guess), which is why Hollywood is forced to use the following substances instead of actual drugs.

Chrystal Meth (or tik as it’s known in the good ol’ S of A)

Apparently the meth that my main man Walter White cooks up in Breaking Bad is nothing more than totally harmless rock candy.

Only problem with this is I’ve never seen rock candy smoke up like whatever it is they use when the characters actually smoke it, so I’m a little sceptical of that one…

 

Mahanga-Janga

Again, this one is a little suspect. Apparently the weed the characters in Pineapple Express blaze is actually a non-tobacco herb that looks like pot, cooks like pot, but produces none of the blissful side-effects.

So that’s Pineapple Express. What about Weeds, Knocked Up, Harold & Kumar, Grandma’s Boy and old classics like Half Baked, Cheech and Chong,  Outside Providence and Don’t Be A Menace? You telling me they ALL used this non-tobacco herb?

Again, sceptical…

 

 

Cocaine

FINALLY a grain (gram?) of truth. Legend has it that Pacino topped up on real coke throughout Scarface back in the day, but when they shot Blow in 2001, the actors schnarfed inositol – powdered vitamin B.

So instead of getting an intra-brainous blast of ego-inflating, gibberish-producing, teeth-gnashingly powerful charlie, the actors left the set everyday with lowered cholesterol, healthy, shiny skin and hair and regulated blood pressure.

FUCK YEAH!

 

Crack

The dodgiest of the lot. Apparently Ryan Gosling’s character in Half Nelson smoked a piece of a broken drinking mug that prop artists dyed with coffee to look like crack. A pinch of tobacco produced the smoke and hey presto, the audience were none the wiser.

 

 

So there you have it. A list of four movies that substituted the real thing with perfectly safe, non-toxic alternatives.

Somehow I still don’t buy it. Wired has the original article that I’ve ripped this off from, so you can go there if you want to check the source, but I’ve pretty much copy / pasted the entire piece here.

I still reckon most movies just use the real thing.

I mean c’mon! There’s acting and then there’s just trying to hold your shit together on camera while you’re higher than God; doesn’t take a genius to spot the difference and I reckon most actors fall into column ‘B’ when they have to “act” high on camera.

Shoulda been an actor goddamnit! How fun must that shit be?! Winking smile

-ST

11
May
12

Tiger Bites: Vol. 4 (The Hives, Blood Red Shoes, Super Mario Medley)

tiger-biteHiya kids!

Slicky-T’s back with some more sick-ass videos he’s stolen shamelessly from the infinite grab-bag that is the interwebs and holy balls! We got us some primo content right here boys and girls, proper industrialstrengthshit.

This week I’m featuring the new Hives video for “Go Right Ahead” (the track that 5FM are murdering the fuck out of as we speak), as well as a seriously low-budget video from a band called The Unkindness Of Ravens featuring a blonde with a duct tape fetish 0_o

There’s also the new Blood Red Shoes single “Lost Kids” (a little obsessed with them at the moment) and to kickstart your weekend in the best possible way, a Super Mario 3 Medley that is guaranteed to warm the cockles of your cold, black heart.

So let’s get to it, shall we?

 

 

Dig this next one, it’s The Unkindness Of Ravens. Not sure if I’m totally sold on this track just yet, it hovers in that grey area between being utter shite and kinda cool.

I like the fact that the production (both of the video and the song) is super low budget. No digital gimmickry going on here, this shit’s rougher than a goat’s knee.

Thoughts anyone?

 

 

Ahh the Blood Red Shoes. This band can do no wrong in my eyes (ears?). I’d rate them right up there with Silversun Pickups when it comes to newish rock bands that are blowing my hair back.

Speaking of which, you can stream the new Silversun Pickups (Neck Of The Woods) here if you wanna give it a spin.

 

 

And now you just gotta kick back, close your eyes and get lost in the following vid. If I had to take guitar lessons again, this is the kind of shit I’d want to learn.

 

 

Watching those songs played like that makes you realise how fucking well-written they actually are. Mario 3 was always the best one, basically everyone knows that.

Have a killer weekend party people, see ya’ll on the other side Winking smile

-ST

10
May
12

Move over Antoine Dodson, I gotta Get Me A Cold Pop

Sweet BrownLordy, lordy, lordy. Those are the only words I can think of after watching the video my good friend Lu just sent me.

Just when you thought the interwebs couldn’t possibly get any more awesome than it already is, a news crew hits the ghettos and finds SHEER INTERNET MEMEGOLD I TELLS YA!

First there was Antoine Dodson (Google his vids if you haven’t seen them already, other level funny shit right there) and now there’s Sweet Brown who, judging from this video, has mastered the fine art of jive-talkin’, smelling barbeques, running barefoot through blazing infernos and getting interviewed by Jesus.

 

 

“Ain’t nobody got time for that!” Boolsheeit! I always has me some time for BRONCHITIS!

And of course, here’s the kinda-catchy autotune version:

 

 

Interwebs, I love you.

-ST

10
May
12

Why The Release Of Diablo III Terrifies Me

diablo3On the 15th May, the gaming world is going to lose it’s damn mind when Diablo III officially hits shelves and can you blame them?

When the original Diablo was released in 1996, it was an instant classic. The game was as dark as they come and insanely addictive.

But it was really Diablo II (released in 2000) that got its hooks into me personally. Blizzard took the concept from the previous game, expanded it tenfold and created a gaming masterpiece.

To say I got obsessed with that game is a gross understatement – I atebreathedlivedsleepedshat Diablo II for a long, long time. How long you ask? Try A YEAR AND A HALF PLAYING THE SAME CHARACTER!

Yeah. I played one character (the Necromancer) for a full year and a half and finished the game on normal, nightmare and hell difficulty levels and then got the expansion pack and did the same.

 

 

I was totally obsessed. With Diablo II they added this genius feature where if you finished the game on normal, you got knighted as “Sir”, finishing on nightmare earned you the title “Lord”, finishing on hell (which, let me assure you, was exactly what the name implies) earned you the title “Baron” and finishing the expansion pack on hell earned you the title “Patriarch”.

So yeah. If that doesn’t make my point about how obsessed with this game I was, I don’t think anything will.

Except maybe mentioning that I got my character all the way up to Level 76. See how I used a capital “L” there? Level 76, bitches! (He said, knowing full well he was setting himself up perfectly for some douche to gun him down with their Level 89 Barbarian in the comments section…)

 

 

It’s been 12 long years since those days. A LOT has changed. I’ve graduated varstiy, found gainful and meaningful employment, moved into a flat with the most gorgeous woman I’ve ever known and things are going well for me y’know?

I don’t NEED Diablo III in my life, I realise that. I can totally turn a blind eye to all the hype surrounding it and get by doing my day to day. I’m not an impressionable 17 year old anymore, I’ve matured a lot since then.

I think I’m in a much stronger place now than I was back then and if I had to say install it and just play a few hours on the weekends, I could definitely handle that.

Just a few hours on a Saturday morning when my girlfriend is at work and maybe a few more later that same day if we didn’t have any other plans y’know? And obviously a few on Sunday morning, cause who does anything on a Sunday?

 

 

And, depending on my workflow, an hour here and there during the week, in the evenings before I hit the hay, wouldn’t be such a bad thing would it? I could handle that, couldn’t I?

Sure I could! Hell, on slow days I could probably even handle an hour at work during my lunch break, I mean no one takes lunch breaks anymore right? Exactly! Time to take the power back, stick it to the man!

If I blogged less I could also get an hour or two extra, BOOM! I mean this site is cool and all, but I definitely think people would still dig it if I posted, say, once or twice a month, am I right?

If we got a maid to handle house stuffs, that would also free up a LOT of my time. J-Rab will be stoked if I do that because it means less house work for her as well and more time to read quietly in a corner somewhere while I SLAYTHEFUCKOUTOFEVERYTHINGISEE AAAARAGARARAGRAGAAGRAGAR!

 

 

Now all I need is a machine that can actually run it, but I’ve been thinking about getting myself a decent rig for awhile, to improve my productivity and shit y’know? I could just make a small withdrawal from the unit trusts I invested in so I’ll one day be able to afford a deposit on a house, no biggie.

And THAT ladies and gentlemen, is why the release of Diablo III terrifies me.

Watch this trailer if you have any doubts about how awesome this game is going to be and how badly it’s going to instantly addict all who play it.

 

 

Kiss your life goodbye, you won’t need it after you start playing.

See ya’ll in New Tristram Winking smile

-ST

09
May
12

Ford Gives Nissan A Run For Its Money On The Weird-Shit-O-Meter

ford-toadLast year I banged out a post about a Nissan ad that featured irritating little pink ponies that live inside your car and sing crap songs.

At the time, it was the weirdest ad I’d ever seen for a car brand, especially at the end when one of the ponies uses a guttural, demon voice to force you to like their Facebook page.

Well, I have great news people. Ford in Australia have managed to top Nissan by producing an ad that combines talking frogs with drugs and violence, resulting in a whole other level of awesome that puts Nissan’s pink pony weirdness to shame.

Check it:

 

 

Awesome. I now know more about creamy frog secretion than I do the actual car they were advertising.

Great job people. Eight-balls all round.

-ST