Archive for the 'Satire, Irony And Vitriol' Category



27
Sep
12

Slicky-T Gets NAILED By The Mother Of All Comment-Spam

Spam-CanComment-spam is definitely one of the more intriguing forms of spam out there. It almost always comes in the form of grammatically horrendous flattery that has absolutely nothing to do with what you’ve posted.

I’m not even sure how it’s supposed to work. Even when I was a blogger-newbie desperate for comments I knew better than to approve that shite.

I wish I could though, because holy shit, the stuff I get sometimes is so hilariously random I know you guys would get a kick out of it. Case in point: the MOTHER of all comment-spam that hit my site last week.

I’m guessing there are comment-spam bots out there that send out spiders to search websites for certain keywords and then try to match a spam comment to the post from a gigantic database of pre-written comment-spam.

How do I know the database is gigantic? I know this because my post about Matthew Mole winning the “Get Out Of The Garage” Competition was hit by no less than 45 spam comment permutations in one go.

 

 

The first couple are pretty normal, as you will see from samples 1 through 5 below:

Hi, just wanted to tell you, I enjoyed this blog post. It was funny. Keep on posting!
Hi, I just wanted to tell you, you’re dead wrong. Your article doesn’t make any sense.
Hello, how’s it going? Just shared this post with a colleague, we had a good laugh.
Incredible points. Sound arguments. Keep up the great work.
This text is worth everyone’s attention. How can I find out more?

The next couple of comments follow a similar format, but then after that shit just starts getting plain fucking weird.

It’s like the robot who wrote the first few comments drank a shot of rubbing alcohol and banged out the following:

 

Hi to every single one, it’s truly a good for me to visit this web page, it includes helpful Information.
I am truly pleased to read this website posts which carries lots of helpful data, thanks for providing these kinds of statistics.
This video post is actually great, the noise quality and the picture quality of this tape post is genuinely amazing.
I all the time emailed this website post page to all my friends, because if like to read it then my friends will too.
Your method of explaining the whole thing in this post is in fact pleasant, every one be capable of effortlessly be aware of it, Thanks a lot.
Fine way of telling, and pleasant article to obtain facts about my presentation focus, which i am going to present in institution of higher education.

 

“Which i am going to present in institute of higher education” – whatever robot, what the hell are you doing writing this shit, aren’t you supposed to be vacuuming the lounge?

 

 

Predictably, things get even better from there when the robot downs the entire bottle of rubbing alcohol.

Hi there to every body, it’s my first go to see of this web site; this weblog consists of awesome and in fact good stuff for visitors.
Hurrah, that’s what I was exploring for, what a stuff! existing here at this blog, thanks admin of this web site.
What’s up, every time i used to check blog posts here in the early hours in the break of day, for the reason that i enjoy to gain knowledge of more and more.
What’s up to every one, as I am in fact eager of reading this web site’s post to be updated regularly. It includes nice stuff.
Hi all, here every person is sharing these kinds of know-how, so it’s nice to read this website, and I used to go to see this blog daily.
Sketches are in fact pleasant source of teaching instead of content, its my familiarity, what would you say?
Hello, the whole thing is going fine here and ofcourse every one is sharing data, that’s in fact fine, keep up writing.
Hi there to every one, the contents present at this web page are actually amazing for people knowledge, well, keep up the good work fellows.
No matter if some one searches for his vital thing, thus he/she desires to be available that in detail, thus that thing is maintained over here.

And there I was, terrified at the thought of robots taking over the world, what the hell was I thinking? That shit’s going to be hilarious!

 

 

Happy Thursday folks, before you know it the weekend will be upon us and we can like to desire with great happiness for sharing alcohol in amounts vast while congratulations ourselves for incredible work fellows!

-ST

28
Aug
12

If You Were A Teenage Stoner, I May Have Some Bad News For You…

girl-smoking-joint“I swear to god dude, if I hadn’t smoked so much weed in highschool, I’d be a goddamned ROCKET SURGEON or something man…”

“Huh, huh. Yeah me too bro, me too… You uhh… Done with the bong there man?” Is a conversation millions of stoners have had at some point in their lives.

Scary thing is an epic, nearly 40-year long study has just been concluded that shows without a doubt that if you smoked weed on the reg during your teenage years, it would have had a different and more damaging effect on your brain than your buddy Bonzo, who only started smoking after 18.

To quote the study, which I originally read about here:

Around 5% of the group [that were tested] used cannabis at least once a week in adolescence or were considered dependent on it. Between the age of 13 and 38, when all members of the group were given a range of psychological tests, the IQ of those who had been habitual cannabis users in their youth had dropped by eight points on average.

So what right? Eight points hardly sounds like much. But the article I read goes on to say that 8 points on a scale where the average is 100 can mean moving from being in the 50th to the 29th percentile.

 

 

Also, giving it up made hardly any difference. It’s all about how young and tender your brain was when you lit your first 50 joints.

The message here is simple kids. If you aren’t phased by the idea of a life of distinct mediocrity working at the video store, flipping burgers at McDonalds or blogging, then by all means hit that bong.

But if your brain is something you’d prefer to damage as little as possible, maybe hold off from regular marijuana use until after you’re 18, mmmm-kay?

Atta boy.

-ST

08
Aug
12

The 3 Survivor Seasons They Would Never Make But Totally Should

Jeff Probst Tribal Council SurvivorJ-Rab and I are hopelessly addicted to Survivor. There, I’ve said it. Judge me all you like, but holy balls that show is addictive.

We know people who know people and get us all the Survivor seasons before SA gets them (SABC 3 is about to wrap up S20, in the States they’re about to start S25).

Then we curl up to watch an entire season in two or three nights, one episode after the next until it’s finished, like two junkies mainlining reality TV, which is how I got to thinking about the kinds of Survivor seasons I’d make if I were in charge.

On SA TV we’ve been watching Survivor: Heroes vs Villians which, to my knowledge, is the first time Survivor has grouped people into tribes based on their perceived moral characteristics.

In a later season they group people into tribes of old people vs young people and men vs women, both of which make for pretty entertaining TV, but let’s be honest, it’s high time they put a twisted fucker in the driving seat to take things to the next level and I think I have just the guy for the job…

 

SURVIVOR: FIT VS FAT

At least half the people they put on Survivor definitely spend the months leading up to the show hitting the gym like a buncha maniacs so that they look pretty schweet when they get on the show hey boet?

But once in awhile, you get contestants who could definitely stand to lose a bit of weight. I say why stop there? Let’s get some people who are 10 meals ahead and 5 shits behind on the show. Some people who are seriously fighting anorexia and kicking it’s ASS.

Then on the other team, we pack it full of monster KLAP GYM okes and belters, dripping with spray tan and pumped so full of roids they are dangerously close to full on heart attacks at any minute.

 

 

The two teams compete as per usual, but if you get voted out, you get sent to Starvation Island where all there is is a treadmill and some rice cakes to keep you going.

Watch the ultimate irony as all the BUFF OKES muscle starts turning to fat and all the fat peoples fat just gets burned off.

Who will Outwit, Outplay, Outlast the others when there’s no pie / dangerous anabolic steroids to keep them going?

SURVIVOR: RETARDS VS GENIUSES

This one sounds like it would be completely one-sided right from the get go, but anyone who’s actually watched the show will tell you straight that retards get ridiculously far in the game of survivor, as they do in the game of LIFE.

 

 

Sit back in the comfort of your home and watch while the Genius tribe bickers endlessly about the nature of existence and personal identity and the necessity of constructing sea water to fresh water solar converters from coconut husks and palm fronds.

Meanwhile, back at Retard camp, nobody has fire or even a shelter that works, but the retards have discovered that if they bury each other in the sand every evening, they can stay warm and dry (sort of).

Laugh your ass off as the two tribes merge and the Retards band together, only to forget who it was they were supposed to vote for while the Geniuses out-think things so hectically that they crumble into self-doubt and paranoia and end up voting themselves off in a misguided attempt to take the moral high-ground and flat out refuse to play the game.

 

SURVIVOR: BLACKS VS WHITES

The most hotly contested and controversial of any Survivor series ever, Survivor: Blacks vs Whites sees racism taken to a whole other level as the gloves come off between African Americans and Caucasians.

Watch everything generations of liberals have fought for come crashing down as racial stereotypes are enforced in a desperate struggle for the million.

In keeping with human history,  on day one the Black tribe makes its way to it’s ghetto beach where a deluge of trash keeps washing up on their shores and homeless people come at night to steal their food, while the White tribe takes residence in their ocean-front colonial estate.

 

 

The Blacks win in the end though, because no matter how much the Whites scramble, they fail hopelessly at one challenge after the next and end up going to the merge with only two members left.

Realising they were being total jerks all along, the remaining Whites offer up their colonial beach-front property to the Blacks who accept it willingly and then vote the whites off anyway.

With no Whites left in the game, the Blacks make and break alliances so regularly that rioting breaks out at tribal councils, causing most of the tribal councils to be disbanded.

Eventually the season comes to a dramatic finale when two out of the final three turn up dead in the jungle, leaving only one person eligible for the million, which actually turns out to be just over $200 000 (the Whites ended up spending most of it on the general upkeep and maintenance of their beach-front property).

 

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ll never be allowed to produce a reality TV series.

Ever.

-ST

27
Jul
12

Friday Playlist: Bands That Are Better Than Linkin Park

2unlimitedFollowing the Linkin Park comments section shitstorm that happened on TFW yesterday, I decided that maybe the approach I’d taken with regards to my post was wrong.

I’m sorry for the hurt that post may have caused LP fans. It was unfair of me to tear the band a new one without substantiating my argument in any way.

So in order to enlighten my readers and back my argument up with irrefutable fact, I’ve decided to put together a playlist of bands that I think are better than Linkin Park to encourage some healthy debate. And before you can ask it let me just say yes, Chumbawamba did indeed make it onto that list.

So sit back, relax, put some headphones on and really soak this list up and if at the end of that you can honestly tell me that Linkin Park is better than any of these bands then hey, maybe I was wrong (unlikely).

It’s not going to be easy for ol’ LP to top these bands though, I’ve really brought my A-game today. What am I talking about? Well how about EIFEL 65 for starters?! Followed by motherflippin 12 INCHES OF SNOW!

Licky boom-boom down bitches.

 

Bands That Are Better Than Linkin Park from SlickTiger on 8tracks.

 

Hit my 8tracks site if you’d like full media player functionality in case you want to hear some songs more than once because yeah, with MICHAEL BOLTON on the list, who wouldn’t?!

Happy Friday Party People, have a killer weekend Winking smile

-ST

24
Jul
12

Linkin Park Limps Toward SA

LinkinParkPA190911Twitter was abuzz yesterday when news broke about Nu Metal band Linkin Park touring SA later this year, much to the delight of basically no one.

“As a band, we’ve reached a point in our career where we have all come to the realisation that our creative energy is nowhere near where it used to be,” said Linkin Park frontman, Screamy-Guy. 

“Add the fact that our fan base is waning steadily, and that leaves us with only one option left really – go on tour to South Africa.”

Linkin Park exploded onto the Nu Metal scene with Hybrid Theory back when bands like Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town were popular which aptly sums up their musical prowess.

Since their debut back in 2001, the band has released a staggering four albums all of which, with the possible exception of the Hybrid Theory carbon-copy Meteora, have been lauded by fans and critics alike as being “kind of okay”.

 

 

“I dug that one song they did, I think it was a couple of years ago, you know the one where he’s singing about torture and pain and suffering and bleeding and shit,” said avid 5FM listener and musical ignoramus Gerrit du Toit, “ja… that on was flippin kief…”

The band will be in SA under the guise of promoting their new album Living Things which is currently enjoying a Metacritic rating of 58/100.

“Living Things is definitely our most experimental record to date,” said Screamy-Guy, “in that it signals a marked departure from the band trying to copy Nine Inch Nails to trying to copy Skrillex, who we’ve heard is way cool.

 

 

“After the response the album got after it launched, we consulted our good friends Collective Soul, Evanescence and Staind all of whom said it was definitely time to head to South Africa because yeah… South Africa is so starved for bands, it’s probably the only place in the world that we can still sell out a stadium.”

Linkin Park are set to wow people in their early thirties (who are still stuck in 2001 and get excited when “Mr Jones” plays at the pub) with concerts in both Johannesburg and Cape Town in early November.

-ST

20
Jul
12

The Tiger Is A “Duscusting” Person

Palpatine(250x271)Hiya Party People!

My god it feels like ages since I last posted on this junkyard site, my apologies to my regular readers. To say I’ve been busy over the past two weeks is a total understatement – I’ve been livingbreathingeatingshittingsleeping work, but things are finally calming down a bit.

So yesterday I hit up into the backend of my site (um, wait, that doesn’t sound right…) and I find a comment I just had to share with you guys because the person who wrote it is clearly mentally handicapped / insane and should not be allowed within fifty feet of the interwebs.

A little context before I post her gem of a comment. The post she wrote it about is nearly a year old and was written (ironically) after a bout of not posting for a few days because I was snowed under.

I called the post “The Tiger Jumps Back On The Horse” and posted the following pic because, well, it shows a tiger on a horse:

 

 

So here’s what “Natasha” had to say about that pic:

I find it absolutely DUSCUSTING that people like you are willing to hurt and make animals suffer for others intertainment. like making wild animals be cooped up in tiny cages 24/7 when they should be free to run around in the WILD! i am going to do EVERYTHING in my power to see that animals are treated properly and that animals are no longer part of the circus

What a load of total and utter fucking bullshit!

For the record, I have never hurt or made an animal suffer EVER, I have never locked a wild animal up in a “tiny cage” and I have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that animals are part of the circus.

All these fucking assumptions just because I posted a pic I stole off the interwebs somewhere. And don’t even get me started on the awesome grammar in that comment.

 

 

Believe it or not, this is not the first time something like this has happened.

Anyone remember the “Stray Cat Recipe” post I banged out last year when times were tight and I had to resort to eating stray cats to survive?

Yeah, the comment I got from that one was even better. Check it:

This is THE most disturbing and shocking thing I have EVER read. Firstly, thank you for bringing the public’s attention to a very volatile situation that undeserving animals (yes, ANIMALS) find themselves in due to the stupidity of so called HUMANS.
How cowardly, to attack the defenceless.
Understood that whilst your post may be in jest, it is a poor showing of “human nature”, which is so cowardly that it must turn its energy on those that are unable to respond lest said “human” ACTUALLY be faced with a hint of a compassion, let alone a conscious awareness.
I am disgusted, and frankly, I suggest you find something that may just be a tad USEFUL to human nature, to take up what is clearly way too much time on your part.

So there you have it folks. I am a DUSCUSTING and cowardly human being with too much time on his hands (ha! Christ, I wish) who should throw himself in front of the nearest oncoming train and do humanity a favour.

Incidentally, you should definitely read my reply to the comment above, good times! Winking smile

Let this be a warning to you all – NOTHING is funny anymore. The world is a fucking SERIOUS place so you better get in line and wipe that goddamn smirk off your face.

 

 

The Fun Police are locked and loaded with more passive aggression than you can shake a stick at and they’re coming for us brothers and sisters.

It’s blood for blood by the gallon.

And I’m ready for war.

-ST

16
Jul
12

“Steve” Found Dead In Hillbrow Apartment

hanging-man-450Yesterday evening, just before the Carte Blanche death-knoll sounded on SA TV’s across the country, police were called to the scene of an apparent suicide in the Hillbrow area.

Disgruntled Beep Bank employee “Steve” was found hanging in his flat by his landlord who had received complaints of a “bad smell” coming from the apartment.

“The minute that smell hit me, I knew that Steve had offed himself,” said Themba Sisolezi, Steve’s neighbour. “Everyone hated the guy, including me. I’m so glad he’s dead, everyone is.”

Steve, who was appointed to the acquisition and retention branch of Beep Bank just over a year ago, was ostracised on a daily basis by every human he came into contact with because Beep Bank don’t offer a banking app or free iPads.

“It was heart-breaking to watch him fall apart,” said Steve’s ex-wife, Miranda Riley, “day in and day out he was on the phone, begging people not to cancel their accounts with Beep Bank only to find that every person he called had left Beep Bank so they could get a free iPad.

“It took a huge toll on him as a person,” continued Riley, “and eventually broke his spirit so completely that I no longer recognised him as the man I fell in love with. He started drinking heavily and smoking a lot of tik with homeless people because they don’t have bank accounts or know what iPads are.”

 

 

Shortly after news of his suicide was reported, social media networking site Twitter was abuzz with jubilant tweets expressing how much better life is going to be for South Africans without Steve.

“So awsum he’s dead,” tweeted Sxygrrrll7765_1, “evry time i herd his voice i vommed a bit in my mouth LOL :-O”

“steev sux!” read another tweet from Wozza76, “trying to sell me reatrded banking charges more like wanking charges! o_0”

A memorial service for him is planned under the 5th street bridge where his only friend, a homeless man who goes by the name “Papa Joe” will smoke a lightbulb and scatter Steve’s ashes in the dumpster where he was known to sleep from time to time after a particularly hard day of being pelted with rocks.

 

 

“I’ll miss that guy,” said Papa Joe in a statement to the press earlier today, “he always made he feel better about myself because of what a gigantic douche he was. It’s not all bad though. Thanks to his drunken emotional outpourings I now know a lot of stuff about banking.

“I even have a bank account now!” continued Papa, “check out my sweet iPad!”

-ST

04
Jul
12

Meanwhile, Back At 2OVR / Ballz Radio HQ…

aodv8ot7l7ix2yyrdm7x9t9sepmjzpdtyehsI’ve been posting like a jackass this week because work is ramming its fist up my butt, so I missed the boat on the latest update on Radiogate on Monday.

MyBroadband put together a crack team to crunch the numbers provided by NetDynamix for 2OceansVibe and Ballz and Shaun Dewberry was on the money.

2OceansVibe Radio and Ballz Visual Radio’s listenership figures are grossly inflated, but if you believe 2OceansVibe’s official statement, it would seem that the blame for this rests squarely on NetDynamix’s shoulders, (who they have subsequently parted ways with in favour of “world leader” Triton). Or does it…?

Sorry, that last sentence was a shameless attempt at getting people to hit the “Read the full post” link. I honestly don’t know who is at fault here.

2OceansVibe Radio and Ballz both claim they were duped by the evil NetDynamix which is why they published hourly listenership figures in the region of 50 000 when in truth Ballz gets about 200 unique listeners at peak times and 2OceansVibe Radio gets 300.

Given another week, I’m not sure if anyone is going to give a shit about this anymore. I know I for one am nearing that point because it no longer matters who lied about what – the truth is out there, internet radio in South Africa is listened to by pretty much no one and that is piss poor.

Still though, I did get a kick out of this Hitler Rant video that got posted on Sunday:

 

 

I guess the real question that needs to be asked at the end of the day is why those listenership figures are so low.

Despite what my previous post on this subject might have implied, I’m a firm believer in the medium of internet radio and the power it has to deliver awesome content, so what gives?

Have South Africans just not tuned in yet? Is bandwidth still an issue? Or is the content itself just plain shite?

Hit me up if you feel like weighing in on this one, I value your opinions very highly because you read this site so that immediately means you pretty much have a genius-level IQ and are a buncha total badasses.

-ST

19
Jun
12

Okes Who Like To Klap It #16: Moer a oke for Jesus

jesuspunchCharnas. It’s time for us to have a flippin’ SERIOUS talk about religions because up until now I always thought it were about all that turn the other cheek kak and “do onto the other oke what that other oke do onto you” stuffs.

Well ma boychays it turns out all these time, your pel Slicky-T was WRONG!

Religions is not about being a nice oke AT ALL, religions is about getting MASSIVE AND RIPPED and MOERING the other charna STUKKEND until he loves Jesus.

How flippin BUFF is that?! A whole lotta okes in the United State have started a new kind of church where you get in the ring with a oke and flippin’ MOER THE KAK out of him for Jesus.

Check this video if you think I’m talking kak and see for yourselfs:

 

 

I mean flip boet! “Can you love kneeing your neighbour in the face AS HARD AS YOU CAN?” Haha! What a flippin kief church!

And all this times I was DRIBBING OKES at H2O because they were CHOONING ME, who knowed I was actually helping them to find Jesus?

Jassis. That’s some LIFE-CHANGING KAK right there.

See you ous in CHURCH.

AMEN!

-ST

13
Jun
12

Ten Guaranteed Ways To Get Into A Bar Fight

Bar-fight-thumb-300x363Nobody likes a clever dick, especially if that clever dick happens to be standing in a bar making an arse out of you in front of your friends after you’ve just slammed your fifth tequila down the hatch.

At that stage, according to the dictates of the “bro code”, you would be totally forgiven for taking a wild swing at Mr Clever Dick with the biggest haymaker mankind has ever seen.

You’ll never land it, but no harm in trying right? Alternatively, if you’re the type who hankers for a good bar fight (cut to scenes of people smashing bar stools / pool cues over each other’s heads), then here are 10 great ways to start one.

 

 

I must say, the last one is pretty damn hilarious (*mentally clicks save).

Later party people.

-ST