Archive for the 'Tiger Guides' Category


100s Club – It’s AWN!

This weekend we man the fuck up.



We don’t sit around wrapped up in our adorable little scarves with our ironic T-shirts, skinny jeans and quaint hats, fuck no!

We don’t listen to arty-farty indie folk bands and smoke our medium shag rolleys whilst talking about some obscure bistro we found that serves the best aubergine pate we’ve EVER tasted, fuck no!

This weekend we batten down the fucking hatches with a case of quarts, that’s right, QUARTS motherfuckers, and we grow a pair of fucking huge, hairy, ugly BALLS!

So get some dirty overalls, break out the Motörhead and prepare yourselves.

We’re joining the 100s club Winking smile


The Rules

1. You drink one shot of beer every minute for 100 consecutive minutes
2. If you pee, it’s game over
3. If you vom, it’s game over

It’s genius in it’s simplicity, but getting this one right ain’t as easy as it sounds. Listen up, the following information will make or break your 100s club attempt, trust me, I’ve done this twice and the first attempt WAS NOT pretty.



A little advice before we begin from your Tiger pal:

  • Hit the liquor store. A shot is 30mls so 30mls x 100 minutes = 3000mls = 3litres. That’s right, you’re going to drink 3 litres of beer in just under two hours. Imagine inserting a beer drip directly into your arm and letting it drip continuously into your blood stream for 100 minutes because that’s pretty much EXACTLY what 100s Club is like
  • A quart is 750mls so 4 and you’re all set, but definitely get 5 to compensate for spillage
  • Also, stock up on as many plastic shot glasses as possible while you’re there, I’d recommend at least 20 per person, I’ll tell you why later
  • Give yourself about 40 mins before you start to wring your bladder dry and DO NOT drink anything. Depending on your constitution you should be able to handle the 100 shots without chundering, but you’ll probably need to piss so bad you’ll end up tying a knot in your dick to try and relieve the strain on your internal organs
  • Get a tray, lay all the shot glasses out and start filling them up before you start. This will save your fucking life. The flatter the beer the less chance you’ll end up like me the first time I tried this. I got the 100 shots down in 100 minutes but the second the last one was down I sprinted to the bathroom and puked foam. I’ve never felt so bloated in my entire goddamn life! My stomach had turned into a gigantic, badly poured 3 litre draft because the buddy I did it with and I only had two shot glasses, don’t make that mistake
  • Appoint a referee, someone to keep time who can put up with you at your very drunkest and won’t be tempted to get hammered themselves. Without one, by the time you’re 50 shots in the game will have already degenerated into a beer-fuelled nightmare of “Whassa fuckin’ TIME man?! Aren’t we supposto havanother shot now?” and “I don’ mean thisina fucking GAY way oranything man, but I love you dude, ok?” No. Not okay. A referee is non-negotiable
  • Don’t make any fucking plans. You do not want to be seen in public once your 100 minutes are up because trust me, it will get messy and if you even CONSIDER getting behind a wheel, I will track you down and beat you so hard you’ll be shitting teeth for a WEEK



That, gentlemen, is the mission this weekend. I’m going to tell you straight up that I won’t be joining you on this one because for one I’m too fucking poor to splurge out on anything that isn’t crucial to my basic survival and for two, after getting my 100s club wings twice, I think I have sclerosis.

Good luck out there. And if you do decide to attempt it, be sure to take as many pics as possible to prove it and send them to Uncle Slick. You’ll instantly get an honourable mention on the site and all the goddamn glory you can handle.

Make me proud you sick basterds.

Make me proud Winking smile



Awesome Stray Cat Recipe

So yeah.

As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.

It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.

There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.



Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.

However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!

The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.



Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.

The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.

It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!

I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:


Stray cat and lentil soup




1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry


Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.

Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.

Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.

Et voila!

A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!”



Ain’t life peachy.



Rock The Met Right

Without getting into too much detail, I’m working closely with the J&B Met this year which has been a mind-blowingly intense experience so yes, you can touch me and no, I don’t have free tickets for you.

This morning we were behind the scenes at the Expresso show that was being shot where something like 40 couples rocked up at 5 this morning dressed in their Met finery in the hope that they’d get chosen for automatic entry into both the main marquee and the Most Elegant Couple competition on the day.

If you’re headed to the Met and are wondering what the hell to wear, be cool. Your Tiger pal got a few pics of the couples this morning because I care about you and don’t want to have to call security because your meat dress is dripping.







So yeah, that’s the general vibe. What am I wearing you ask? Well the theme’s “larger than life” so I’ll be rocking the following:



Later party people.



The SlickTiger Guide To Raising Baby Humans

Recently I’ve noticed that a lot of people around me, friends, family work colleagues, etc. are breeding at an alarming rate. I attribute this to the general decline in quality TV programming and the decision-impairing properties of hard liquor.

Add to that potent mix the proliferation of lewd sexual material in the mainstream media and the decline in morality suffered as a result of that, and conditions for breeding baby humans start to look very favourable indeed.



And so I decided to write a step-by-step guide on raising, feeding and caring for baby humans. In this way I hope to help people who are either currently raising baby humans, or still growing them inside their wombs, waiting for the miracle that occurs as the foetus descends into the pelvic cavity and its head and shoulders pass through the bony ring of the pelvis, much like a bowling ball through a balloon knot.


Step one: Environment

The first thing you’re going to want to secure before you bring your baby human home is a suitable environment.

As a rule of thumb, a 48 to 53cm baby human should be kept in a 55 gallon tank. This will allow the baby human enough room to run around and exercise and yet not have to run too far to catch its dinner.

As the baby human grows, so should its enclosure. I would recommend no smaller than a 70 gallon tank once the baby human has grown to 70-80cms and a 180 gallon tank once it has grown to 100-150cms.



Most baby human shops should stock a varied selection of bedding for your baby human, but I would strongly recommend taking my advice when it comes to the following items:


  • Baby human bark / bedding: This is definitely not a good idea. Crickets and other smaller insects that are high in nutrition for your baby human can hide under the bark, resulting in your baby human not getting its full meal. Another major reason is that the baby human could ingest a piece of the bark, which could result in uncomfortable stool.
  • Sandpit sand: I have found this to be both an affordable and practical form of bedding for baby humans. Simply ‘scoop’ the baby human’s fecal matter off the sand and replace as necessary.
  • Newspaper / Paper: This is a great idea if you are concerned about ease of cleaning and cost. It’s not the ‘prettiest’ set up for your baby human’s enclosure, but it works well.
  • Straw: Another great material to line your baby human’s tank with. The straw retains heat well and can easily be arranged into a comfortable ‘nest’ for your baby human.


Step two: Diet

Feeding your baby human will require you to handle all manner of food stuffs including raw vegetation, insects, and small mice.

Baby humans are omnivores, meaning they will eat veggies and small animals. Insects, however, should definitely be a daily staple of your baby human’s diet should you want it to grow up strong and healthy, with a robust exoskeleton.



I would highly recommend feeding your baby human a combination of the following:


  • Bugs: The size of the insects you feed your baby human is extremely important. All food that is offered should be smaller in width than your baby human’s beak. Larger food items could get easily lodged in the baby human’s digestive tract, causing uncomfortable stool.
  • Veggies: There is a huge selection of ‘leafy’ greens which are high in calcium to feed your baby human, such as kale, argula, collard & mustard greens, parsley, dandelion greens and flowers. If you take your baby human outside or allow it to run around the house (though I wouldn’t recommend it) do be sure to check that no leafy vegetation in or around the house is poisonous. Baby humans have a voracious appetite and will eat anything mildly enticing, this also applies to any drapery you might own, wooden furniture or shoes.
  • Live baby mice: Live baby mice are an excellent source of protein for growing baby humans, but please note the mice must be fed live. Dead baby mice will not move around enough to attract the baby human’s attention as its eyes are only capable of detecting movement and they only see in the colours purple, green, red and black.
  • Water: Baby humans should be sprayed twice daily on their heads, which stimulates the natural way they would drink water in the wild, namely by lapping up the drops of dew they would find on plants in the morning.


Step 3: Alarming behaviour to watch for

First time human baby owners often overlook subtle behavioural disorders that occur due to their ignorance on the subject.



When raising a baby human, be sure to be vigilant of the following behavioural disorders:


  • ‘Hood’ display: When determining hierarchy in the home, the baby human will often ‘blow out’ its hood by extending a bone-like structure covering the surrounding flap of skin. This can also be used as a defensive gesture when the baby human is startled. Calm the baby human down with a few small mice and a selection of ‘gutloaded’ crickets. Be sure that the crickets are not fed poisonous greens though, as this may result in uncomfortable stool
  • Head Bobbing: This is a dominance display. The baby human seems to be saying, ‘You wanna piece of me? Eh? Puto?’ Do not be alarmed by this behaviour, but do arm yourself with a sharp stick just in case.
  • Arm Waving: This is a submissive gesture in recognition to the dominant male, which should always be the father until the baby human has reached full maturity and shed its carapace for the last time.


By following these three simple steps you should experience many years of enjoyment with your baby human after which time it is highly advised to rerelease them into the wild where they can follow successful careers as lawyers, accountants, life insurance salesmen or PR consultants.



How To Deal With A Dick Cupcake – a Lesson For Guys

Sometimes in life, you come back from a meeting, everything is cool, everything is going well, you’re having a great day and you get to your desk and next thing you know BAM! dick cupcake.



The thing about dick cupcakes is you never know when they’re going to sneak up on you and, even worse than that, you never know how to handle them.

I surprised myself today by handling what could have been a really embarrassing, awkward situation really well by doing the following two crucial things:

1) Remaining cool
2) Sticking by the ‘MAN CODE’

See, dick cupcakes are never given in a malicious way, that’s the first thing you have to keep in mind. A person will never give you a dick cupcake because they hate you or because they want to piss you off, rather, they want to see how you react to the dick cupcake, THAT’S what’s really going on.

This is why remaining cool is a must. Just think to yourself, What would Cooldog do?



First thing you must do is acknowledge the dick cupcake immediately. Don’t try and brush it aside or down-play it. You might not realise it, but everyone’s watching you to see how you react, so don’t hold back.

‘Aahhhh guys! Hahaha, who left this dick cupcake on my desk?’ was the line I went for, and it did the job perfectly.

Other lines that could work well include:

  • ‘Woah! I don’t remember leaving that dick cupcake there! Hahahaha! But seriously guys, who’s dick cupcake is this?’
  • ‘A dick cupcake! Hahahaha! Ahh you guys, you shouldn’t have!’
  • ‘Hey guys! Who wants to eat a huge dick cupcake? Cause I know a lucky guy that just found one on his desk! Hahahaha!’

Here are some lines that wouldn’t work so well:

  • Who the fuck left this dick cupcake on my desk? Huh? WHO? I’m throwing this dick cupcake THE FUCK AWAY!
  • Oh how considerate. A dick cupcake. This must be some kind of mistake though, I ordered a VAGINA cupcake. Where the hell’s my VAGINA cupcake huh? I’d eat that!
  • Oh god, a dick cupcake, oh god, I LOVE dick cupcakes, nomnomnomnom, aah, nomnomnom, tastes so good in my mouth, mmmmm…

Then of course comes the difficult question of what to do with the dick cupcake.

‘Eat it!’ The girls in my office shouted, ‘eat the dick cupcake, hahahahaha!’

Any guys reading this post please note the following: by throwing down the gauntlet of actually eating the dick cupcake in front of a room full of women, what my colleagues were doing was testing my mettle as a MAN.

No self-respecting man eats dick cupcakes. End of story. That my friends is a fact of life.



Still though, never lose sight of the fact that it’s only a joke. They want to see if you get ruffled, again, remember to keep your cool.

‘No,’ I replied in a stern, yet friendly voice, ‘I will not eat the dick cupcake. Eating dicks goes against my code as a man.’

Instantly the room fell into awed silence. Aahh yes, the CODE OF THE MAN. I could see that they had heard about it, but never seen it actually invoked in a real life situation. This was good stuff. I had their rapt attention.

‘HOWEVER,’ I said, holding a finger up to show them that this next part was important, ‘I have no qualms about eating the cupcake WITHOUT the dick.’ As I said this, I carefully removed the dick from the top of the cupcake.

‘There you go,’ I said, handing the dick to a random girl walking past ‘I’m sure you’ve had a lot more experience dealing with these kinds of things than I have.’

‘Hahahahahahahahahah!’ the girls laughed, ‘Bravo! Bravo old chap! Huzzah! How delightful! Three cheers for good ol’ SlickTiger!’

And THAT ladies and gentlemen, is how to deal with a dick cupcake.



Top Four Reasons Why Drinking An Entire Bottle Of Whisky Before Work Is A Good Idea

It’s Monday morning and I know what you’re thinking.

“Fuck” is probably it, followed shortly by, “this again.”

Well, I have good news. Thanks to a miracle remedy I recently discovered, your work days no longer have to smack of mindless repetition, bullshit meetings and faking that you enjoy the company a bunch of people you wouldn’t piss on if they were on fire.

That miracle remedy, ladies and gentlemen, is whisky. Don’t believe me? Well then, read my top four reasons why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before work is a good idea.*

Ready? Atta boy! Let’s get started!

*Note: For best results, an ENTIRE bottle must be consumed. Don’t be a pussy and stop when you’re two thirds down because you’ve gone blind, what are you? Six? MAN UP fer chrissake!

Reason #1: The drive to work will be AMAZING!

The first thing you’ll notice once you’ve chugged down the last few delicious mouthfulls of whisky is that you are more confident and capable than you’ve ever been IN YOUR LIFE!

The second thing you’ll notice is that your pants (and underpants) might need changing before you venture out into the world due to a large, warm, wet stain around your crotchal area.

Don’t let this deter you, the complete loss of bodily functions is a common side effect after drinking an entire bottle of whisky. Just make sure you sit down first before attempting to change your pants as balancing on one leg at this juncture could prove tricky.



Armed with fresh pants (and underpants) stride confidently out the house and into your car and leave for work. If you’re having trouble starting your car, run through the following checklist of questions to make sure you haven’t forgotten something:

  • Have you left the house?
  • With your car keys?
  • Are you sure it is indeed your car that you are trying to start?
  • Is your car in gear?
  • Do you remember how gears work?
  • Have you taken the handbrake off?
  • Have you reversed down the driveway, across the street and into the neighbour’s living room? If so, explain the situation away by saying you’re recovering from extensive neural surgery, and then pretend to slip into a coma

Once this checklist has been completed, you will notice that the drive to work is AMAZING!

You’ll careen at breakneck speeds along pavements, the wrong way down highways and possibly even along railway tracks. All that traffic that used to cause you unnecessary stress will magically disappear as you tail-end, side-swipe and pile-drive your way through any vehicles unfortunate enough to get in your way.



Provided you aren’t arrested and your car doesn’t explode in a blazing ball of molten steel and broken glass, you’ll arrive at work in record time, invigorated after your near brush with death and only vaguely concerned about the newspaper vendors smeared all over the front of your car.


Reason #2: You can finally get all of your issues with fellow work colleagues off your chest

Any HR person will tell you that the best way to maintain a happy and healthy work environment is to keep lines of communication open at all times.

In practice this becomes difficult to do as people don’t always take kindly to you telling them that they are big fat pathetic losers who are further down the food chain than prawn shit.

This can lead to the suppression of any number of issues that you have with fellow co-workers, which can have negative results on your performance in a team-orientated office environment.

However, after an entire bottle of whisky, voicing your concerns becomes not only easy to do, but also thoroughly enjoyable.



I’d suggest starting with junior staff members in order to practice your new found skill and then moving up the food chain and finally ending with your boss or even the CEO of the company.

Here’s another check-list of constructive comments and feedback you could give to your colleagues and co-workers in order to facilitate an open and honest forum for future discussions:

  • Your ugly! Anyone ev’r tell ya that? UGLY AND YOU SMELL! Go home! N’body likes YOU!
  • Look-ee look-ee! If it isn’t Miss ‘I jus’ got ANOTHER pr’motion! Everyone knows you’re screwin’ the boss, yeah! That’s right! EVERYONE!
  • Hey there sweetcheeks! Did I ev’r tell you you’r fuckin’ HOT? HUH? DID I? Well, you are. C’mere, gimme a hug, c’mere. I love you. I LOVE you! Hey, c’m back here!
  • Yo Boss-man! Up high! Hahaha! C’mon, loosen up ya big, dumb prick, stop bein’ such a fuckin’ homo all the time!

You’ll find all these and many, many more conversational ice-breakers come naturally after an entire bottle of whisky, so why not lighten up the atmosphere in your company and drink an entire bottle of whisky before going to work today!


Reason #3: You’ll get to go home early

After your courageous display of honesty at the work place, you can be sure that your bosses will reward you by letting you take the rest of the day off.

You can spend this time reflecting on the profound difference you have made in the lives of the people you work with, or, even better, getting started on a second bottle of whisky!


Which brings me neatly to my final reason why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before going to work is a good idea.


Reason #4: I’ll have someone to drink with

Having experienced first hand all of the reasons why drinking an entire bottle of whisky before work is a good idea, I now find myself waking up completely carefree everyday at noon without having to stress about the burden of going to work and with not a worry on my mind except my impending court date.

Which is why I urge you to try this miracle cure for all of life’s woes and when you have, come and find me!

I can be reached during the day at the Salvation Army shelter in the city centre and at the alley behind it at night where I often pull up a plastic crate with my new friends and drink varying kinds of interesting alcoholic concoctions they make from metholated spirits and shoe polish!



So don’t delay! Drink an entire bottle of whisky before work NOW and kiss your worries (and life) goodbye!



The SlickTiger Guide to Klapping Gym Boet!

As an oke with lots of mates who are also okes I can tell you straight that it’s every oke’s dream to get MASSIVE AND RIPPED and bang two hot blondes AT THE SAME TIME!

Once an oke has achieved this goal, he is happy and can spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching sports and TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

He has earned this right, nobody can take this right away from him and with my help you can earn this right too, but first you gotta learn the proper way to KLAP GYM BOET! or you’ll always be a loser who can’t pull hot chicks and spends friday nights at home twitting with his loser friends on the interweb.


The first step to klapping gym boet is to buy a fucking TIGHT VEST. This will intimidate your opponents in the gym and make the hot chicks there stare at you and you will be able to lift 15% heavier weights from the confidence boost it will give you.

Confidence is everything. A wise man once told me if you don’t have confidence, fuck off, and he was right.

Ideally, you want your vest to show your biceps, triceps, delts, traps, lats, pecs, but NOT NIPPLES! That’s flippin’ gay.




Everyone knows that to klap it PROPERLY in the gym you need to be as tanned AS CAN BE! Having a GREAT TAN in the gym will not only make all your muscles look RIPPED, but it will also show all the chicks checking you out that, yes, you are an outdoors kind of guy and not some gay moffie who’s scared to lie in the sun for 13 hours wearing a thong.

I went onto the internet to show you just how ripped and amazing okes look with a little bit of a tan.



The charna in the above photo has NAILED not only a flippin’ AMAZING tan, but also a hot blonde belter who probably called her friend who was also a hot blonde belter right after this picture was taken so they could bang this guy. AT THE SAME TIME!

His arm is MASSIVE and covered in veins. Fuck, I can’t look at this picture anymore. FUCK! I’m jealous…



What can I say about this charna’s AWESOME tan that would do ANY JUSTICE to him or how AWESOME he is? Look at his even, brown / orange skin tone, flippin’ HARDCORE man! Look at the clear line between his pecs – proof that this charna likes to KLAP THE GYM! AND HARD!

Such a shame about the bladdy rough chick on his left though, but I’m sure with a bit of blonde hair dye, 70 hours in the sun, 6 months in the gym and lekker big fake tits, she’d look ok. Not flippin’ hot. But ok. He could do better.



Please go back up and just look at this photo one more time. Please just do that RIGHT NOW CAUSE THIS OKE’S TAN IS MAKING ME KAK MY PANTS HIS FLIPPIN TAN IS SO AWESOME!

Look how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he is! You don’t need to tell an oke like this how to KLAP GYM BOET, he wrote the BOOK! He’s also wearing a backwards cap and sunglasses IN THE GYM, so automatically plus 40% to his confidence which means he will be able to lift 75% heavier weights!

Now THAT’S what a kief tan can do for YOU!


Step three is a crucial one, this is SERIOUS now, so PAY ATTENTION, I”M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

In a gym situation you are nothing, NOTHING! without your charnas. You think you can get flippin RIPPED and MASSIVE and bang two hot blonde chicks at the same time if you train by yourself? Fuck boet, are you stupid?

The okes you train with are your CHARNAS! They are your BROTHERS! They will be there for you to tell you ‘Fuck boet, you look HUGE!’ and ‘I want 5 MORE! I FLIPPIN’ WANT FIVE MORE!’ and ‘Is that a new vest? Flip boet, it really brings out the colour of your eyes.’

Without your charnas you are NOTHING! You’ll have NO ONE to shout at and NO ONE will stare at you in the gym, shaking their heads because they can’t believe how MASSIVE AND RIPPED you and your charnas are!

Look at these charnas. They obviously gym together. Look at the blonde belter the one oke is gonna bang with her best friend who is also a blonde belter as soon as she gets back from having her boobs juiced up to the max.

Flippin’ awesome.




As with most things in life, an important part of klapping gym boet is knowing when to stop. There is a time in every Gym Boy’s life when he looks at himself, RIPPED and MASSIVE in the mirror and thinks to himself ‘I can’t even wipe my own arse anymore. Have I gone too far?’

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer to that question is NO!

When is it time to stop getting MASSIVE? NEVER!

Lots of chicks will say that they ‘Don’t like a man who is too massive’, but they’re flippin’ lying cause they LOVE IT! They’re just scared of his muscles, and can we blame them? NO!

Take a look at this photo and tell me who’s going to win this ‘Who is the MASSIVEST?’ competition:



Let’s see. Is it going to be Mr ‘I look like Eddie Murphy in a red speedo’ there on the right? Or maybe Mr ‘I thought about injecting horse growth hormones but decided not to’ there in the middle?

NO! Fuck, are you stupid?! It’s going to be the FLIPPIN’ HUGE OKE on the right who’s so MASSIVE AND RIPPED his two blonde belter girlfriends have to brush his teeth for him and doctors say he won’t live past 35! KLAP IT BOET!

Do you think he’d ever be that MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he just GAVE UP?! Please man. Don’t be thick.

Here’s another example:



This oke is so massive he can just go around putting his hand on blonde belter’s boobs ALL THE TIME and they don’t even mind, in fact, they ENJOY IT because they know he could uppercut their HEADS OFF if they tried to stop him.

What a LEGEND! Any second her blonde belter friend’s going to arrive and you KNOW what’s going to happen then! Flippin’ AWESOME!

I think I’ve proved my point about step four, NEVER GIVING UP, but just to make sure, I’ll ask you one last question.

Do you think this man, this old man, could EVER! EVER! have gotten so MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he’d known when enough was enough?




The last and final step to klapping gym boet is the nutritional step, because unless you eat right and inject dangerous steroids daily, you’ll never get RIPPED CHARNA!

Eating right means eating PROTEIN ALL THE TIME, CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT EVEN STOPPING, because this way you’ll show your body that NO! You don’t need any flippin’ fat! You don’t need to store any nutrition, you’re shoving it in your face CONSTANTLY!

Injecting dangerous steroids daily means experiencing violent mood swings, possibly because of the steroids and also possibly because your cheloger is ONLY ONE INCH LONG!

But seriously boet! Come off it man! Who needs a normal-sized cheloger when you’ve got two blonde belters, one on each arm ready to BANG YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MASSIVE AND RIPPED!?

Fuck man! Are you stupid?

Now go out there and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!




Men, Males and Bitches – The SLickTiger Guide To Guys

If I had a buck for every time I’ve heard men complain about how complicated women are, I swear, I’d be living on a 300ft yacht, anchored off the coast of the Caribbean, sipping expensive champagne and working earnestly on my tan and that novel I’ve been planning.



However, the opposite is also true – men are equally as complicated as women, if not more so in some circumstances.

Gone are the days of our grandparents where there were stringent guidelines in place that dictated the duties and behaviour of men and women in society. These days anything goes which, don’t get me wrong, I think is a great thing, but has sadly also lead to both men and women losing their way and experiencing mounting frustration when it comes to not only figuring the opposite sex out, but figuring themselves out as well.

The changing roles of men and women in this fucked up world is a subject I think about often when I’m people-watching or engaging with people in social circumstances and one that lead me into a conversation about guys with my girlfriend last night where a sudden epiphany struck me.

I believe that the broad category of ‘guys’ can be broken down into three basic sub-categories into which almost any guy you meet will fit perfectly, and those categories are ‘Men’, ‘Males’ and ‘Bitches’.

This lightbulb moment is inspired by nothing more than the observations I have made over the last 26 years of being alive, and spurred on by the fact that I love nothing more than to engage with, observe and try and carefully take people apart to figure out what makes them tick.

So, starting at the bottom of the list, here’s the SlickTiger breakdown of the 3 categories that guys fall into:



The most defining characteristics of this group of guys are a total lack of backbone, an overriding obsession with themselves and an inability to overcome their insecurities.

Bitches are more concerned with their hair, nails, skin, cologne, clothes and shoes than even their own girlfriends are and go to painstaking lengths to ensure they look and smell immaculate at all times, whether they’re going out to a club or driving three blocks to drop off a DVD.



In social situations they have a tendency to be extroverted to a cringe-worthy degree as they vie constantly for the attention of the group and have an irritating laugh that is completely fake and bursts from them like rapid machine gun fire.

Typically they have more girl friends than guy friends because they love to gossip and they make for great companions when it comes to shopping for a new blouse or a killer pair of heels for the girls night you have planned.

At this point I think it needs to be said that Bitches are not necessarily gay. Gay men don’t all just fall into one category, gay guys can be Men, Males or Bitches. The media loves to portray gay men as flamboyant, raging queens, but in the real world this stereotype doesn’t always hold true.

It’s not all bad though, bitches have some redeeming qualities as well – they are completely in touch with their emotions, can often be really funny and, provided they can actually get over themselves, can be surprisingly thoughtful and understanding when life is kicking you in squarely in the guts.

The biggest issue I have with Bitches though is that they have no problem whatsoever with looking you straight in the eye and lying through their teeth. Nothing is ever their fault and they will squirm and wriggle furiously to avoid shouldering the blame for their mistakes.

Many women fall for this type of guy because they find their hundreds of little idiosyncrasies fascinating and cute and, to put it bluntly, on some level they feel sorry for them and want to mother them.



Further down the line though, when it’s crunch time, Bitches will let you down and blame you for their own shortcomings. They are chronically incapable of handling real responsibility or exercising selflessness in any form.

Be careful of making a Bitch your life partner girls. They might seem fun, adorable and interesting at first, but sooner or later you’ll end up screaming the words, ‘Just fucking grow up!’ or, ‘Be a fucking man for once!’ frequently when huge arguments erupt.

Eventually you’ll grow tired of their endless shit and will probably end up moving right along to the next category of guys.



Males are the most common group of guys you’re likely to come across and can be sub-divided into the categories of ‘Mr Nice Guy’, ie. the first guy to get fucked, but the last guy to get laid (that quote courtesy of The MAEN!) and Mr Asshole ie. the guy that gets laid all the time.

Mr Nice guy gets on with life and is a damn side more reliable and consistent than a Bitch would be. In social situations, they move in groups of two or three and are typically seen huddling in the corner or the nightclub, casting surreptitious glances at the gorgeous women in the room and wishing they had the balls to just go up and talk to them.



The problem with Mr Nice Guy is that he has lost his ability to be assertive and is prone to bouts of low self esteem that manifest in him doing nothing at all.

If Mr Nice Guy is out with his girlfriend and another guy starts hitting on her, Mr Nice Guy will stand aside politely and let the other guy muscle his way in there because another trait of Mr Nice Guy is that he will do almost anything to avoid confrontation.

Like I said though, they’re ok guys, and in many cases actually end up with seriously gorgeous women when they approach their mid thirties because by then a lot of women are ready to settle down with Mr Nice Guy because he’s predictable, easy to control and has usually amassed a small fortune by then by keeping his head down and working like a dog.

Mr Asshole on the other hand get’s more ass than a porta-loo at a rock festival, but this solely to do with the fact that he acts like a complete jerk when it comes to women, because he’s figured out that ironically, the less it appears like you want a woman, the more she will want you in turn.

These Males are your typical beer-swilling jocks that also congregate in groups of three or more and thrill in the fact that they actually know very little about women because for their purposes, they don’t need to.



The problem with these guys is that, while they might be able to get a lot of tail, they can never keep it because they are basically severely underdeveloped emotionally and have a proclivity to cheat on their girlfriends at the drop of a hat.

Males do a lot of damage to women’s perception of men because they lead women to believe that there are only two types of men on this planet – Mr Nice Guy, who is stable, considerate, quiet and unassuming, but ultimately boring and Mr Asshole, who is wild, rough, unpredictable, but ultimately inconsiderate and careless with their lovers, girlfriends and wives.

Which leads me to the final and sadly the rarest type of guy out there.



There is a type of guy out there who lives his life according to the ideals of honesty, courage and integrity in all situations, who treats all the people he comes across in his life with equal respect and understanding and who has the confidence to be assertive without being arrogant, the intelligence to know when to pick his fights and how hard to fight them and the balls to shoulder the responsibility of his fuck ups and admit when he is wrong.

Being a Man is a lifelong ambition, it’s something guys have to work towards constantly and it’s something that only at the end of his life will a guy ever know if he’s achieved, and it’s for those reasons that real Men are difficult to find.

Men carry themselves with a natural confidence that is not forced or contrived, but rather lies calmly beneath the surface and is so palpable that other people can actually feel it the second a Man walks into the room.

A Man makes it his life’s mission to understand himself and is not afraid to explore every facet of his personality no matter how dark or difficult those roads may be.



Real Men are fascinated by and in awe of women. They recognise the power these beings have over us and are not threatened in any way by that, or afraid to give their hearts to women, no matter how vulnerable that might make them feel.

Men live their lives with a conviction that seldom wavers and a core set of values and ideals for which they are prepared to fight and, in some cases, die in order to uphold.

At the same time though, a true Man also possesses a great sense of humour and an ability to keep smiling though the going might be tough and keep laughing though his heart might be breaking to pieces inside.

Men have the capacity to put other people first and seek to help rather than criticise people weaker than themselves. They are great listeners because they understand that in each person they meet they encounter pieces of themselves and as such are able to understand and tolerate a lot of people that the rest of society deems strange, different or difficult.

Men seldom lose their cool, but when they do, it’s because you have harmed someone close to them, in which case you better run as hard and fast as you can because they will not hesitate to track you down and tear you a new one.

Men respect themselves and their bodies, take pride in their appearance and usually exercise frequently because they enjoy pushing their bodies and minds as far as they can go and breaking through the boundaries that previously defined them.

A large part of a Man’s life is also dedicated to the control and subsequent eradication of fear, because they realise the simple fact that until they do this, they will never be able achieve greatness.

There are guys like this out there, but it is not always apparent at face value which guys have decided to walk the road of Manhood and which are just floundering around with no purpose, drive or vision.

Also, real Men prove themselves through their actions and not their words and this is the single most important thing I would encourage women to do – listen to the things he says and watch the things he does and if the two don’t add up, proceed with caution because there’s a good chance he’s full of shit.


I hope this has helped in some way. I might be completely off the mark here, and if you have any thoughts on the topic, please feel free to fire away, that’s what the comments section is for 🙂



Whisky In The Jar-o: Part 2

How to make the best out of the FNB Whisky Live Festival ‘09 – a layperson’s guide

So having spent the last two nights at the FNB Whisky Live, running around ‘like a blue arsed chicken’ (as my boss The Irishman would say) with film crews and photographers, I’ve picked up a good couple of tips for people who want to get the most out of their festival experience, so if you’re heading through there, or know people who are, read on! Could change your life… 😉


TIP #1 Be cool Daddy-o

I know it goes without saying, but for the less intellectually inept out there, I’ll put this as simply as possible: it’s not beer and it’s not wine, it’s whisky. Sip it slowly.

The festival is big on responsible drinking, so I really can’t stress this point enough, when you taste the different whiskies on offer at the festival, unless you’re a veteran whisky drinker, don’t try and be a hero and slam it down neat to impress the gorgeous booth ladies. They’ve seen it a million times and all you’re likely to elicit is a stifled yawn.



Add a dash of water to the whiskies you’re tasting. Not only will this prevent you from getting drunker quicker, but it will also open up the flavour of the whisky you’re tasting, thus making it far more accessible whilst ensuring that your palette doesn’t become anaesthetised by the high alcohol content of the whisky.

It’s difficult to really appreciate a complex 18 year old whisky when you can’t really taste anything. If you’re a novice taster, after 4 neat whiskies you might as well be drinking brandy – you wouldn’t be able to taste a difference.

Whisky is about sophistication and class, so be sophisticated and classy, if it’s a drunken of lecherous debauchery you’re looking for, rather drink a bottle of Johnny Blue at Teasers with your pals.


TIP #2 Get the lay of the land

More often than not, I’ve watched crowds of visitors at the festival wandering around aimlessly, tasting random whiskies until their tickets run out and then leaving, feeling like they’ve missed out in some way.

They have.

Before you taste any of the whiskies or participate in any of the activities on offer, get the lay of the land. It’s better to arrive at the festival as close to 6pm as possible so you can beat the crowds and get a good idea of what’s where.

Once you have an idea of where everything is, jump in with both feet. The idea behind the festival is to have fun, learn about whisky and interact with the industries top gurus from all over the world.



If nothing else, by the time you leave the festival you should at least be able to hold your own the next time you’re at a swanky cocktail party and Mr Slick Willy with his snooty attitude starts trying to wax lyrical about what he thinks he knows about whisky.

Take him down. The festival will give you the knowledge to do so.


TIP #3 Become acquainted with your palette

You’d be surprised how little you know about your palette when it comes down to it. People who don’t know whisky will say one of two things when you broach the topic of whisky – they’ll either be honest and admit that they don’t like it, or they’ll try and pretend that they do to seem cool and sophisticated, but when you ask them a simple question like which flavours they enjoy in a whisky they’ll feed you a load of utter tripe.



The simple cure in both situations here is education. To the people who say, flat out, that they don’t like whisky, I’ll say this: the range of different flavours that can be found in whisky is so broad and varied that you can bet your bottom dollar there is a whisky out there for you that will suit your palette, and thus your individual flavour profile so perfectly, you’ll swear it was the best drink you ever tasted.

I have experienced this personally. A year ago I was a Bells Man – I drank it on the rocks because it looked cool and I found the flavour tolerable. If you had asked me the difference between a blend and a single malt back then I would have admitted complete ignorance.

With a little education, what I realised was that I didn’t even like Bells. In fact, for my palette, which is still young, I much prefer a clean, sweet single malt – the fewer citrusy and spicey notes, the better.

For this reason I far prefer Irish whiskeys to Scottish whiskies, they’re smoother, easier on the palette and have less character, so you won’t recoil like you’ve just been shot after you take a sip.

But the golden rule is that everyone’s palette, like your fingerprints, are different. For this reason, do yourself a favour and taste an Irish whiskey, a Scottish whisky, a bourbon and a liqueur.



This simple exercise will help you a lot when it comes to discerning what flavours you enjoy and will make future tasting experiences a lot more rewarding.


TIP #4 Learn to make whisky cocktails

New to this year’s festival is the Schweppes Art of Whisky Cocktail Making Zone, which is being hosted by Kevin, master mixologist from Liquid Chefs who is not only the raddest guy I’ve met so far at the festival, but is also pretty easy on the eyes for the ladies, so guys, make sure you book early cause his cocktail making sessions fill up fast!



The sessions are free and run at 6:30, 7:45 and 9:00.

Once Kevin’s done with you, you’ll be the envy of all your friends as you mix up killer whisky cocktails that will ensure that for the rest of your life you’ll be the life of EVERY party, ALL the time.

You can thank me later.


TIP #5 The sensory zone is a must

At first I thought this sounded a little gimmicky, the idea here is to engage all your senses in a whisky tasting experience in order to help you learn about whisky in general. Sounds like a load of hippy let’s-hold-hand-and-sing-kumbaya bullshit, but it’s actually possibly the best way to learn about whisky at the festival.

Divided into a number of plain white rooms, each with a bar inside serving a different whisky, The Sensory Zone is at the far end of the hall and is well worth visiting.

Each room has a wall on one side, some are velvety to the touch, some are smooth and some are rough. On the opposite wall is a giant image, in one room it’s honey, in another it’s dark chocolate and so on. Near the bar, smelling salts exude different aromas in each room and a different style of music plays in each room.



All of these elements come together as you taste the whisky in order to illustrate the character of the whisky you’re tasting by engaging all your senses.

It leaves a lasting impression and is a great way to learn about the ‘water of life’



This is when you put food in your mouth, chew 32 times and swallow. Do this at some stage during the night because, like I said, after four or five whiskies, you’re gonna need it.

Word Of Mouth do all the catering for the festival, and in one simple word, their food is delicious – tuck in there!


TIP #7 Check out the Macallan Maturation Zone

This is probably something for the more mature patrons of the festival to check out, but could prove interesting to anyone wanting to know the secrets of how whisky get’s it’s flavour and colour.

The workshops are free and there are two per night. The whisky expert who takes the workshops explains the crucial influence that wood has on whisky, which can go a long way to helping you find your perfect whisky.



For example, I tend to find whiskies that are matured in sherry casks too spicey for my palette, I know this because I have a rudimentary knowledge of the effect wood has on whisky.

And people love me for it.


TIP #8 I love chocolate, you love chocolate, eat the chocolate!

Von Geusau Chocolates have a stand at the festival where they pair whisky with chocolate and I can vouch from personal experience that the combination of the two, when done right, it like nothing you’ve ever tasted before.

You take a bite of chocolate, a sip of whisky, swill it around a little and swallow and I shit you not, you’re still tasting different flavours in your mouth nearly a full minute later.



It’s a must. Guys – learn the whiskies and the chocolates and the next time you throw a party, invite the ladies to have a taste.

Use it / don’t use it 😉


TIP #9 If you like one of the whiskies you taste, buy it

Picardi Rebel have a stall at the festival where they’re selling whiskies at discounted prices, it’s the perfect place to pick up a Christmas prezzy or two, then head over to the Classic Malts stand and get it engraved with a personal message – it’s free and adds a really nice personal touch.



TIP #10 If you’ve had too much, stay the hell off the roads

There are roadblocks tonight by Cornerhouse Pub, on William Nicol, by the Baron on Main, and on Witkoppen all the way up to Sunninghill.

Don’t drive drunk, both Corporate Cabs and Roadtrip are at the festival for a reason. USE THEM! Spending two days in jail, or worse, is no way to spend a weekend.



Lastly, please come on Saturday, come on Saturday, come on Saturday, comeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturdaycomeonsaturday!

Friday is gonna be packed to the rafters and so Saturday has been added this year and will be a much better night to go through to get the most out of the festival.

So there you have it, any questions, come see me after class, otherwise I’ll see you at the festival 🙂