Posts Tagged ‘ellen degeneres


Ellen’s Little Monsters

913140-sophie-grace-brownleeAs amazingly entertaining, arbitrary and awesome as the internet is, there’s also a darker, far more sordid side to it.

Yes, you guessed it. I’m referring to the “cute factor” that turns distinctly average content into a powerful internet supervirus because we live in a sibling society where people dwell in the perpetual twilight of their childhood years, refusing point blank to grow the fuck up.

It’s Neverland, and it’s populated with sickeningly adorable characters that people LOVE simply because they evoke that “aaaawwwwww, cuuuuuuuuuttte” reaction that defies all rational logic.

Case in point – Sophia Grace Brownlee and her hilariously useless sidekick cousin.

For those of you who don’t know these two distinctly mediocre, irritating little girls, let me enlighten you.

It all began back in September last year when this video hit the internet. Brace yourselves, the content I’m about to show you WILL instantly trigger your gag reflex.



Yeah. Pour yourself a whisky now, because it only gets worse.

So mom films her kid and goofy sidekick singing a distinctly average version of an irritating pop song which, let’s be honest, isn’t the first time in history that’s ever been done.

The difference is that is years past, recordings like that would be relegated to the VHS drawer under the TV and not surface again until the “performer’s” 21st birthday where she would die of embarrassment the second the play button was pressed.

Instead, this video exploded in such a huge way on the internet that it has had no less than 31 MILLION views to date!

So great. Well done to everyone involved. Excellent work guys. Let’s just get on with our lives shall we?

No. We shall not. Enter Ellen Degenerate who, credit where it’s due, is one smart lesbian. She latches onto these talentless little chavs like a goddamn barnacle and exactly one month after the video appears on YouTube, this happens:



People lose their minds. They think these two girls are the most adorable, cheeky, loveable, talented, and all round SUPERCUTEST things they have ever seen and Ellen’s eyes turn into gigantic green dollar signs as a world of possibilities opens up to her.

One month after that performance on her show, she gets them all tarted up to the max and plants them squarely on the red carpet at the American Music Awards.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.



So now not only do celebs have to put up with the paparazzi swarming them like locusts on the red carpet, but they also have two (let’s be honest, one) hysterical, screaming pink girls to deal with.

I love the cousin though. “We are so excited to be here, aren’t we Rosie?” “Whatever. I can’t believe you dragged me into this again…”

And the thing is, unlike the other members of the press, you have to be nice to the cute little girls or you WILL be crucified on the spot and left desperately trying to douse the flames of your near-unsalvageable career.

Something else that’s interesting to note on that last clip is how exponentially precocious the little scamps are becoming – a sure sign that they are being spoilt ROTTEN which any child psychologist will tell you is a great way to raise kids.

But whatever right? Who cares? I saw those videos last year, shrugged it off as people being pathetic and had another whisky.

BUT, in a furious bout of trawling the interwebs yesterday what do I find? ANOTHER fucking video of these two on the red carpet of ANOTHER awards ceremony.

Only this time it’s the Grammys and as you can tell from both the girls and the celebs themselves, everyone’s starting to get a little tired of this sparkly pink dog and pony show.



I love the way all the celebs address Ellen in a thinly disguised “seriously, enough with this shit now” tone, priceless!

How did this ever get so big? What are the implications for our society that something like this is not only allowed, but encouraged to happen? Those kids will never be the same. How can anything they ever do ever live up to the experiences they’ve been spoiled with thus far?

I mean to be fair, they don’t know any better. They’re literally just being handed everything they want on a silver plate because God knows why, people love it.

As irritating as they are, I can’t help but feel sorry for them because this is child exploitation in it’s very worst form and call me old school, but I don’t think it should ever have been allowed to get this ridiculously overblown.



People From Bellville: Stop Driving Up My Arse

I’m not quite sure how else to go about this, I mean seriously, what’s the fucking dealy-o here? Is Bellville populated entirely with proctologists? Why in the name of sweet, six-pound-four-ounce baby Jesus must you guys drive right up my arsehole every fucking day? Why?! WHYTHEFUCK?!



[With the notable exception of Supa Dan, he’s a legend and he drives just fine.]

At first it was cute, I just thought maybe people in Cape Town were really friendly and were getting up close and personal to come and say hello or something.

‘Look honey,’ I used to say, ‘that man whose parents are cousins has driven up to say hallo! What a friendly chap!’

Next thing I noticed was that 90% of the folk driving up my arse didn’t have regular CA license plates, they had these screwy ‘CY’ plates and all drove white Cortinas with sheep-fur seats.

‘Who the fuck are these people,’ I remember asking my boss one day, ‘these fuckers that drive up your arse all the time with the CY number plates?’

‘Oh them,’ my boss said, a visible shiver going through him, ‘they come from Bellville…’

If I had to draw up a list of my favourite ways of being tortured, having a buncha mouth-breathing Neanderthals drive right up my fucking arse every day would rate right up there with being raped with an electric drill or forced at gun point to watch a three-hour marathon of the Ellen Degeneres show.



Here, for the benefit of the inhabitants of HELLville, is a list of reasons why I fucking hate it when you drive up my arse:

1. I’m already doing 140. How fucking fast do you want to fucking drive?! Yes, the speedo on your Cortina goes to 160, well done. Please only reserve that speed for when the police are chasing you.

2. It’s just not fucking polite. We aren’t dogs for chrissake, it feels like you’re sniffing my backside.

3. Why the fuck are you in such a hurry? Struggling with your time management skills a little? Buy a watch and drive like a human.

4. Do you have any idea how quickly you can end up smeared in wet chunks all over the highway at the speed you guys drive at? I’m being dead serious here, I’ve been in an accident on a highway, a woman in the lane next to us blew a tyre and in less than 3 seconds, 5 cars had smashed to pieces, one of them being mine.

Life, my friends, is a precious and fragile thing and believe me, once you’ve ended yours and possibly the lives of your passengers or the other people on the road, the last thing you’ll be saying at the gates of hell will be, “Ja, I’m a bit bummed I’m dead now hey, but JASSIS! Did you see check how fast I was klapping it!”

You aren’t impressing anyone, slow the fuck down.