Posts Tagged ‘germany

16
Nov
10

Sandton City Parking – Taking Things To A Whole Other Level

It’s a known fact that parking in larney shopping centres, whether they are in Joburg or Cape Town, is ridiculously expensive.

I’ve been fleeced for as much as R10 for parking for 5 minutes which may not sound like a lot, but when you spend as much time in shopping centres as I do, that can add up to as much as R10 a month!

In my recent trip to Joburg I was forced to pay a visit to the Nashua Mobile in Sandton city to get an upgrade on my 3G card and on arriving was SHOCKED and DISMAYED to find that parking in said shopping centre seems to have undergone the same hyper-inflation that Germany suffered post World War I where a basketful of money would buy you two Chappies.

 

 

Unbelievable! Not only is the parking ridiculously priced, but it would appear that the MINIMUM amount of time people are allowed to shop for is 12 HOURS!

And the maximum is 45?!

Who the fuck in their right mind would shop for 45 hours?! Sure, I understand that we are a consumer society and all, but 45 hours of shopping is taking things a little too far if you ask me.

And what’s the deal with the R1 111 amount and the R2 345 amount? Do you get to choose? Who is his right goddamn mind is going to pay R1 234 MORE than they have to for parking?

The world has indeed lost it’s fucking mind.

So just be warned guys, if you shop at Sandton City they will TRAP you for 12 hours and make you pay anywhere between R1 111 and R2 345 for parking.

Unbelievable.

-ST

13
Apr
10

Three Reasons why humans are dumber than animals

My girlfriend J-Rab works at a reputable animal park that shall remain nameless, where she and the other people who work there handle a number of badass animals like cheetahs and pumas, and then one or two other little critters like black-backed jackals and meerkats.

Part of her job is training students that come from as far afield as places like Canada and Germany who become friends with her (some of them) and then, 3 months later, promptly leave.

 

 

Last night was the farewell for one of these students, let’s call her Shroomgirl, which even I was a little sad about because as it turns out this girl is fucking hilarious!

To be honest, as a guy I very seldom find girls funny. Sure, sometimes the way they tell stories and jokes is cute and I laugh along so they don’t think I’m rude, but it’s very seldom that a girl will make me genuinely laugh my ass off, but Shroomgirl nailed it!

Last night she told us her three biggest ‘What the fuck?’ moments working at said animal park, irrefutable proof that humans are indeed dumber than animals.

Reason #1: Syntax, syntax, syntax

When taking a group on a tour of the park one day, Shroomgirl fielded an unintentionally sexually explicit question when one of the members of her group, on admiring a fine and majestic cheetah, asked the following gem: ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to spread their legs?’

 

 

What he meant to say was ‘Do the cheetahs ever get a chance to stretch their legs’, as in, do the cheetahs ever get a chance to run around a bit. Even funnier than that was the fact that, before anyone could answer, one of the managers, Yogi Bear, jumped right in there, completely deadpan and replied, ‘No. The cheetahs here are not used for breeding purposes.’

Fail squared.

Humans:0 Animals:1

Reason #2: Dirty-talking cheetah style

Another time, Shroomgirl was with a group that had some randoms and a dude in his 20s and his girlfriend. Now, because they’re animals (and probably also because they’re just plain bored) sometimes the cheetahs do some pretty weird shit to one another, much like humans.

On this particular day, two young males, Chobe and Felix shared a special moment when Chobe started suckling Felixes tummy while they were lying down together, right where Felixes nipples would be if he was a lady-cheetah.

Even more fucked up than that was the fact that the minute the boyfriend saw this happen, he turned to the ol’ GF and, loud enough for everyone on the tour to hear, said, ‘How about later you be Felix and I’ll be Chobe?’

And immediately everyone on the tour threw up in their mouths a little.

 

 

Humans:0 Animals:2

Reason #3: The leopard-guy

The third what the fuck moment was the best by a long way.

After just finishing an extensive tour of the entire park where Shroomgirl showed the group the entire park, starting with the cheetahs in the front, and then the other assorted animals in the back and introducing the group to every animal and telling each animal’s life story, they came to the end of the tour and when Shroomgirl asked if anyone had any questions, she was bludgeoned by this beauty:

‘Ok, so I know the front part’s for the leopards, but what’s the back for?’

Well done. The front part’s for the leopards, well done. There is not one fucking leopard in the park. And ‘what’s the back for?’ after she just showed the fucking retard every square inch of it?!

You’re a credit to the species.

 

 

Humans:0 Animals:3

I rest my case.

-ST