Posts Tagged ‘klapping gym

01
Apr
14

The Death Of SlickTiger, The Birth Of Papa Slick

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Being Slick and Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , ,

1560429_10153705679445099_1975768195_nThe future of this site is something that plagues me almost daily. I’ve spent nearly five years blogging on this platform and have gone through a rollercoaster of ups and downs trying to figure out what this site is.

Over the years, that’s become one of my least favourite questions to be asked, “So you’re a blogger? What’s your blog about?” To which I sheepishly reply, “I dunno… stuff…?”

It’s the biggest strength and weakness of this site. It isn’t about anything. Well, that’s all about to change boys and girls because, following the positive response I’ve gotten from the posts about The Cub, from now on www.slicktiger.co.za will officially become a Daddy-blog.

I’m speaking to a couple of the designers at work about a complete overhaul of this site to be more parent-friendly. No more grey and dark grey colours, no more header image of redneck dudes slugging it out.

To be honest, the new focus and direction will be a welcome one. I think The Cub is the most incredible little person ever put on God’s green earth, so writing about what she gets up to everyday will be a breeze.

 

 

I’ll also be sharing my insights about what being a Dad is like because what I’ve quickly come to realise is that there is a staggering lack of content that’s being written at the moment from a man’s perspective when it comes to parenthood.

People take for granted that men aren’t as affected by parenthood as women are and I can tell you right now, that’s a total load of horse-poop.

Men are just hopeless at expressing themselves (generally) which is where I come in.

Of course the new change will also come with a subtle change in the tone of writing on this site and (thank God!) there will be no more “Klapping Gym” posts because a) I think I’ve done them to DEATH and b) Klapping Gym has no place on a blog about parenthood.

So I hope you’re as excited about this new journey as I am! I know one person who’s super excited about it, can you guess who it is?

 

 

Here’s to a Brave New World for your Tiger pal and a definitive answer to the awkward question, “What’s your site about?”

My daughter Winking smile

-ST

01
Feb
13

Okes Who Like To Klap It #20: Brett van Rooyen

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts, Klapping It and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , ,

Brett's HeadI tell you, time flys hey okes? Jus-laaik, I can remember back in 2010 when I first wrote the “SlickTiger Guide To Klapping Gym Boet” and ous were like, “Boedie, you have written the gym BIBLE charna!”

One of those ous was a lekker charna of mine Brett van Rooyen who wrote to me and was like, “Slick, I’m a lank skinny oke what can’t pull lekker cherries. Please help me boet, I wanna be exactly like YOU!”

So of course being the good oke that I am I was like, “Brett my boedie, don’t SQUEEZE A SALTIE, lemme come pick you up, I’ll take you vest shopping, then we can grab schweet spray tans, smash lekker dangerous anabolic steroids into our butts and KLAP SOME GYM, BOET!”

It weren’t easy in the beginning, I’m not gonna lie. I mean, Brett was big into his cardio as the picture of him below shows:

 

 

In the beginning he was like, “Slick, I’ll NEVER be like you, all MASSIVE AND RIPPED in the interwebs, writing like a proper gym boychay and making ous lag, you are the ORIGINAL interwebs CHARNA! No oke can EVER beat that!”

But I chooned ol’ Brett straight, I was like, “Brett boedie, one thing you must unnerstand about the interwebs is that you can flippin go NUTS stealing another oke’s shit, copying EVERYTHING that another oke does and getting lank famous for it. Stealing other oke’s kak is what the interwebs was INVENTED FOR boet, are you dof or something?!”

And so with my help and enough roids to kill a elephant, Brett started KLAPPING IT on a whole other level and three years later, THIS is how FLIPPIN’ TIT the ou looks:

 

 

The next thing Brett knew, he was banging TWO BLONDE BELTERS at the same time, every night! He was my greatest cre-hation and jassie the ou made me proud.

I’ve never knowed a oke to take so many shots in the bum, I mean JUS-LAAIK! Just when I used to think “One more shot and this oke’s arse will be so sore he won’t be able to walk straight” Brett would be like, “C’mon Slicky! Another shot boet! I scheme I can handle it charna!”

After that, there was only one thing to do to be completely like me and that was write like a doos on the interwebs. At first Brett was like, “Slick, I really wanna write for that kak funny site ‘Hayibo’ boet, do you scheme they’ll schmaak me?”

But I was like, “Brett ma charn, a oke like you is too good for a kak site like that. Have you heard of The Gatsby? It’s exactly like Hayibo boedie only with a different name, you’ll fit in there lank well hey?”

 

 

And Brett, that flippin BOYCHAY, we went for his dream to be exactly like his hero Slicky-T and jassie did he KLAP THE SHIT out of that dream or what?! I mean hell, reading that ous BUFF movie reviews you could almost swear it was ol Slicky-T his self writing them.

Read this first one the ous done for a movie about miserable lesbians or some kak like that, it’s on ANOTHER LEVEL!

The oke has come so far from that moff cardio kid I met back in 2010.

Brett you legend, keep KLAPPING IT BOEDIE, I’m so proud of you charn.

-ST

20
Sep
11

World’s funniest Analogies

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Analogy - AnalogyDon’t you love it when people (usually your parents) send you the same funny email / video you saw five years ago?

That’s the beauty of the interwebs. The same content gets sent round and round and round endlessly, getting a little less funny each time you see it, as is the case with the “world’s funniest analogies”.

I first read some of these back when I was in highschool which means they’ve been kicking around for AT LEAST a year now, but what the hell.

Some are new so I thought I’d share because I was too busy KLAPPING GYM last night to think up a post to write.

So here, according to the interwebs, are some of the world’s funniest analogies that are supposedly found in actual student’s papers (unlikely):

 

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy
who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those
boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at
high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one
of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just
before it throws up.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot, three-inch tree.

 

 

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling
ball wouldn’t.

The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry
them in hot grease.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the
grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left
Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at
4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had
also never met.

He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant, and she was the East
River.

 

 

Even in his last years, Granddad had a mind like a steel trap, only one
that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law George. But unlike George,
this plan just might work.

The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating
for a while.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg
behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with
power tools.

He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if
she were a garbage truck backing up

Alright. Back to work everyone. Those McDonalds burgers aren’t going to flip themselves Winking smile

-ST

26
Jan
11

New Categories!

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , ,

Stop the press everyone. I’ve added new categories to the site.

 

 

Scroll down a little and cast a wary glance over to the right and you’ll see some intriguing shit indeed.

“Being Slick”? “Killer Posts”? “Tiger Guides”? “Satire, Irony And Vitriol”? “Events”? What the hell does it all mean?!

Stay calm. I don’t want you running off in a flat panic to go read some other douchebag site out there because your Tiger pal’s shaking things up a little. Here, hold my hand. It’s not what you think, let me explain.

“Being Slick” is a collection of random moments and memories from my life. I made this category because I like talking about myself.

“Killer Posts” are all my favourite pieces of writing I’ve banged out so far. Some of them got a buttload of hits like the one about kakking gym or some such nonsense.

“Tiger Guides” are the pieces where I give step by step advice on how to do stuff like raising baby humans and dealing with dick cupcakes. I made this category because I like telling people what to do.

“Satire, Irony And Vitriol” is where I go to vent. People love this shit because there’s no better way to unite people over the interwebs than to stage a public lynching. Fact.

 

 

“Events” is a tricky one. I could try to explain it to you, but seriously, it’s better if you experience this one yourselves.

I’ve only gone through about two thirds of the content on the site so far though, I’ve still got another 100 odd posts to sort through and recategorise so if you hit some of those categories RIGHT NOW you’ll dig up some way old stuffs from before you even knew this site existed.

I figured with Klapping Gym appearing in FHM it was high time I made the content on here more accessible. I was sitting with 218 posts in the “uncategorised” category, that’s a lot of rambling nonsense that I could be exposing random visitors to much like a homeless person in a trench coat flashing his junk at people in the street (and their children).

Good times I tell ya. Good times Winking smile

-ST

18
May
10

The SlickTiger Guide To Klapping Gym Boet Part 2: Know Your Blonde Belter

By SlickTiger 34 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

Hazit ma boychies!

Flip okes, but the response to my last piece about KLAPPING GYM BOET was off the flippin’ chain! I’m seriously CHUFFED that so many charnas out there care so much about getting TANNED, MASSIVE and RIPPED, WEARING TIGHT VESTS and LOOKING TIT (thanks Gary)!

The next question charnas seems to be asking now is how do you know a chick and her mate are BELTERS? What if you think a chick’s a BELTER and you BANG her and her friend only to wake up the next day once the roids have worn off to find you banged a couple of GROT OTTERS by mistake?

Another charna who is MASSIVE and RIPPED sent in this pic, asking, ‘Haai Slick! I banged this chick and her friend from the gym after getting MASSIVE and RIPPED, are they belters or what charna!’

 

 

All I can say to a question like that is flip oke, ARE YOU STUPID? What the hell were you THINKING?!

These are the unhealthiest chicks I have EVER SEEN! Did they die from malnutritionment after you were finished BANGING them? They’re WASTING AWAY oke! The one’s not even blonde enough and needs to PULL UP HER FLIPPIN PANTS and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

When I said blonde belters, I meant BLONDE BELTERS charna! Now if you’d banged THESE two chicks, THEN I’d be IMPRESSED ma boych!

 

 

Of course now a lot of you will look at these BELTERS and notice that ja, something’s not quite right with the chick on the right. OF COURSE SOMETHING’S NOT QUITE RIGHT WITH THAT CHICK! SHE HAS NO TAN!

HERE’S a much better example of how a healthy tan can turn an ordinary chick into a BELTER:

 

 

And so, here are a few tips for all the MASSIVE and RIPPED charnas out there about the right kind of things to look for in a BELTER.

 

THING NO. 1 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: LADYLIKE

I can tell you right now that being a oke who is MASSIVE and RIPPED myself, I often hang around with chicks that yes, are BELTERS, BUT just don’t know how to act like ladies instead of GORILLAS.

These GROT OTTERS think it’s lekker to do things like SMOKE, SWEAR, EAT CARBS or only do gym six times a week. They also think it’s kief to just say whatever the hell THEY WANT without first asking a man’s PERMISSION – NOT ACCEPTABLE!

OKES, this is not LADYLIKE BEHAVIOUR. If a blonde chick or her blonde chick friend try any of this, choon them straight, ‘Hey GROT OTTER! Stop acting like a flippin’ TRAILER PARK TRASH! You aren’t BRITTANY SPIERS!’

A chick must be ladylike at all times or THAT’S IT! Tell her to HIT THE ROAD CHICK. Here’s a ladylike chick to show you what I mean:

 

 

THING NO. 2 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: NAUGHTY

Okes, please don’t think that just because a chick is LADYLIKE in public, she can’t have a bit of a naughty or fun side as well behind a closed doors. No charna wants a chick and her blonde belter friend in the bedroom who aren’t a bit wild or don’t know their way around a tube of KY Jelly, a traffic cone and a car battery with lekker nipple-clamps.

Check this chick out. She was an ex of mine. Jealous yet? Ja, EXACTLY!

 

 

There is ABSOLUTELY nothing wrong with a chick like that okes, NOTHING. So why did we break up? Ja, it’s a bit of a sensitive topic hey… I dunno… life just took us in separate directions. I mean, I’m not saying that I caught her KLAPPING GYM behind my back or using my credit card to have KAKLOADS OF EXPENSIVE SURGERY or anything, so ja…

BUT, THE NEXT DAY I found pictures on the interweb of an even NAUGHTIER BELTER, Chrissie, and let’s just say that she had the pleasure of some SlickTiger boerrie with cheese sauce THAT night 😉

 

 

THING NO 3. TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: OUTDOORS TYPE

A BELTER must also like the outdoors life of tanning for 7 hours straight, jetskis, H2O parties, doof doof music and klapping gym IN THE GARDEN.

Don’t believe me that such amazing BELTERS exist? Boet, open your EYES charna! They’re ALL OVER the interweb!

 

 

 

What’s also nice is when they do outdoor activities like WASH MY CAR. Here’s another ex-cherry of mine, in a lekker bikini doing a practise run of WASHING MY CAR. Always make them PRACTISE FIRST or they’ll probably BREAK the car.

 

 

THING NO. 4 TO LOOK FOR IN A BELTER: A WINNING ATTITUDE

Now okes, this is an important one so don’t stuff this one up. Too many of my charnas get with girls who NEVER STOP COMPLAINING when us gym boychies leave self-tan on the couch, make huge PROTEIN BAFFS, or shoot so many steroids our chelogers go INSIDE US.

To all those okes stuck in kak relationships like that out there, I have only one thing to say: DUMP THOSE LOSER GROT OTTERS AND FIND A CHICK WITH THE RIGHT ATTITUDE!

THIS chick, for example, you can tell has a GREAT attitude.

 

 

So charnas, stop settling for second-rate chicks, you’re MASSIVE and RIPPED now! You look TIT oke! Flippin’ go in for the big time and bang two flippin HOT blonde belters now that you know what to look for!

Also, if you’d like to send pictures or videos as proof that’s also fine. I’ve still got plenty of pink heart stickers left, so DON’T BE SHY, send me some lekker pics and always remember: KLAP IT BOET!

Until next time ma boychies!

-ST

09
Feb
10

The SlickTiger Guide to Klapping Gym Boet!

By SlickTiger 125 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts, Satire, Irony And Vitriol and Tiger Guides
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

As an oke with lots of mates who are also okes I can tell you straight that it’s every oke’s dream to get MASSIVE AND RIPPED and bang two hot blondes AT THE SAME TIME!

Once an oke has achieved this goal, he is happy and can spend the rest of his life sitting on the couch, drinking beer, watching sports and TELLING OTHER PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

He has earned this right, nobody can take this right away from him and with my help you can earn this right too, but first you gotta learn the proper way to KLAP GYM BOET! or you’ll always be a loser who can’t pull hot chicks and spends friday nights at home twitting with his loser friends on the interweb.

STEP ONE TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The first step to klapping gym boet is to buy a fucking TIGHT VEST. This will intimidate your opponents in the gym and make the hot chicks there stare at you and you will be able to lift 15% heavier weights from the confidence boost it will give you.

Confidence is everything. A wise man once told me if you don’t have confidence, fuck off, and he was right.

Ideally, you want your vest to show your biceps, triceps, delts, traps, lats, pecs, but NOT NIPPLES! That’s flippin’ gay.

 

 

STEP 2 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Everyone knows that to klap it PROPERLY in the gym you need to be as tanned AS CAN BE! Having a GREAT TAN in the gym will not only make all your muscles look RIPPED, but it will also show all the chicks checking you out that, yes, you are an outdoors kind of guy and not some gay moffie who’s scared to lie in the sun for 13 hours wearing a thong.

I went onto the internet to show you just how ripped and amazing okes look with a little bit of a tan.

 

 

The charna in the above photo has NAILED not only a flippin’ AMAZING tan, but also a hot blonde belter who probably called her friend who was also a hot blonde belter right after this picture was taken so they could bang this guy. AT THE SAME TIME!

His arm is MASSIVE and covered in veins. Fuck, I can’t look at this picture anymore. FUCK! I’m jealous…

 

 

What can I say about this charna’s AWESOME tan that would do ANY JUSTICE to him or how AWESOME he is? Look at his even, brown / orange skin tone, flippin’ HARDCORE man! Look at the clear line between his pecs – proof that this charna likes to KLAP THE GYM! AND HARD!

Such a shame about the bladdy rough chick on his left though, but I’m sure with a bit of blonde hair dye, 70 hours in the sun, 6 months in the gym and lekker big fake tits, she’d look ok. Not flippin’ hot. But ok. He could do better.

 

 

Please go back up and just look at this photo one more time. Please just do that RIGHT NOW CAUSE THIS OKE’S TAN IS MAKING ME KAK MY PANTS HIS FLIPPIN TAN IS SO AWESOME!

Look how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he is! You don’t need to tell an oke like this how to KLAP GYM BOET, he wrote the BOOK! He’s also wearing a backwards cap and sunglasses IN THE GYM, so automatically plus 40% to his confidence which means he will be able to lift 75% heavier weights!

Now THAT’S what a kief tan can do for YOU!

STEP 3 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

Step three is a crucial one, this is SERIOUS now, so PAY ATTENTION, I”M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

In a gym situation you are nothing, NOTHING! without your charnas. You think you can get flippin RIPPED and MASSIVE and bang two hot blonde chicks at the same time if you train by yourself? Fuck boet, are you stupid?

The okes you train with are your CHARNAS! They are your BROTHERS! They will be there for you to tell you ‘Fuck boet, you look HUGE!’ and ‘I want 5 MORE! I FLIPPIN’ WANT FIVE MORE!’ and ‘Is that a new vest? Flip boet, it really brings out the colour of your eyes.’

Without your charnas you are NOTHING! You’ll have NO ONE to shout at and NO ONE will stare at you in the gym, shaking their heads because they can’t believe how MASSIVE AND RIPPED you and your charnas are!

Look at these charnas. They obviously gym together. Look at the blonde belter the one oke is gonna bang with her best friend who is also a blonde belter as soon as she gets back from having her boobs juiced up to the max.

Flippin’ awesome.

 

 

STEP 4 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET

As with most things in life, an important part of klapping gym boet is knowing when to stop. There is a time in every Gym Boy’s life when he looks at himself, RIPPED and MASSIVE in the mirror and thinks to himself ‘I can’t even wipe my own arse anymore. Have I gone too far?’

Well, I’m here to tell you the answer to that question is NO!

When is it time to stop getting MASSIVE? NEVER!

Lots of chicks will say that they ‘Don’t like a man who is too massive’, but they’re flippin’ lying cause they LOVE IT! They’re just scared of his muscles, and can we blame them? NO!

Take a look at this photo and tell me who’s going to win this ‘Who is the MASSIVEST?’ competition:

 

 

Let’s see. Is it going to be Mr ‘I look like Eddie Murphy in a red speedo’ there on the right? Or maybe Mr ‘I thought about injecting horse growth hormones but decided not to’ there in the middle?

NO! Fuck, are you stupid?! It’s going to be the FLIPPIN’ HUGE OKE on the right who’s so MASSIVE AND RIPPED his two blonde belter girlfriends have to brush his teeth for him and doctors say he won’t live past 35! KLAP IT BOET!

Do you think he’d ever be that MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he just GAVE UP?! Please man. Don’t be thick.

Here’s another example:

 

 

This oke is so massive he can just go around putting his hand on blonde belter’s boobs ALL THE TIME and they don’t even mind, in fact, they ENJOY IT because they know he could uppercut their HEADS OFF if they tried to stop him.

What a LEGEND! Any second her blonde belter friend’s going to arrive and you KNOW what’s going to happen then! Flippin’ AWESOME!

I think I’ve proved my point about step four, NEVER GIVING UP, but just to make sure, I’ll ask you one last question.

Do you think this man, this old man, could EVER! EVER! have gotten so MASSIVE AND RIPPED if he’d known when enough was enough?

 

 

STEP 5 TO KLAPPING GYM BOET!

The last and final step to klapping gym boet is the nutritional step, because unless you eat right and inject dangerous steroids daily, you’ll never get RIPPED CHARNA!

Eating right means eating PROTEIN ALL THE TIME, CONSTANTLY, WITHOUT EVEN STOPPING, because this way you’ll show your body that NO! You don’t need any flippin’ fat! You don’t need to store any nutrition, you’re shoving it in your face CONSTANTLY!

Injecting dangerous steroids daily means experiencing violent mood swings, possibly because of the steroids and also possibly because your cheloger is ONLY ONE INCH LONG!

But seriously boet! Come off it man! Who needs a normal-sized cheloger when you’ve got two blonde belters, one on each arm ready to BANG YOU BECAUSE YOU’RE SO MASSIVE AND RIPPED!?

Fuck man! Are you stupid?

Now go out there and KLAP SOME GYM BOET!

FLIPPIN’ SCHWEET!

-ST