Posts Tagged ‘long distance relationship

12
Aug
14

To J-Rab On The Cub’s First Birthday

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Being Slick and Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , ,

WP_20140702_009 I changed my mind about this post. I was going to write it to our little girl, apologise to her about the way things turned out but really, she’s just a tiny baby, exactly one year old today and blissfully oblivious of what’s going on.

The person I really want to write to is you babe because I know you’ll be hurting today and I don’t want that. There will be no tears today, that’s not what today is.

Today is the day we look back on the best year of our life together with nothing but big smiles and hazy, happy memories.

Sometimes I think way back to when I first started to fall for you, that year when I drifted down Grahamstown’s drunken streets utterly lost, howling at the moon, boiling over with fury, hell-bent on tearing the world apart until I found truth, meaning, acceptance, love.

You know you’re falling when the person you’re falling for is all you think about from the moment you wake until the moment you go to sleep and even then, you can bet your ass you’ll see them again in dreams.

It feels like you’re going mad, it feels like this other person has stepped out of the physical world directly into your mind where they’ve proceeded to pour themselves a drink, kick their shoes off and make themselves at home.

I find you in there still, every day I live and breathe, only now you aren’t a composite of dreams and reality, a mysterious half-imagined, mercurial creature. It’s you, my closest friend, my most trusted companion, the mother of my child.

It’s you the way you looked that night they kicked us out of Pop Art for kerfuffling, it’s you the way you looked when we went road tripping so many summers ago, your feet dangling out the window, the wind ruffling your white summer skirt as you turned to look at me, your eyes sparkling with mischief.

It’s you exactly a year ago today as they were wheeling you into theatre, your knuckles white as you took my hand in yours, your eyes wide, beautiful in their heart-wrenching vulnerability.

I’ve watched the change in you since you became a mother and marvelled at how the hell-cat I used to know has turned that energy into a fierce protectiveness over her cub and a willingness to do anything, sacrifice countless hours of sleep, sanity and personal well-being, for our little girl.

I’ve said it before but I’ll say it again, you’re a natural babe, the best Mom in the business. I’ve never met a Mom who is as calm under fire, as patient under the most trying of circumstances and as generous with her love as you are.

The Cub is lucky to have a lioness like you for a mother.

As for me, I’m going to be missing you guys like crazy today, make no mistake, but I’m not going to be sad. I’m not going to focus on any of that negative shit because I know from experience it will just tear me up and lead me down a dark and lonely road.

Instead I’ll be thinking of the story of the two people who were madly in love and who decided to go on the adventure of a lifetime, who left with open hearts, said goodbye to their friends and family and set out for a better life for their little girl…

I’m not the lost boy I was, howling at the moon, boiling over with fury. Turns out all those things I was tearing the world apart to find – truth, meaning, acceptance, love – were right under my nose the entire time.

Thank you for making a man out of me, a fiancé, a father.

Today I want you to remember all the good times, and when you’ve finished reading this, I want you to take our daughter in your arms and I want you to give her the biggest hug and kiss in the world and tell her how much I love her.

 

 

I love you babe, always have, always will 😉

Your man,
-ST

07
Aug
14

Tuesday

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Being Slick
Tags: , , , ,

2014-07-21 22.12.24 I had to make a tough decision today. When J-Rab and I left South Africa, she took The Cub with her to Boston for two and a half weeks while I focussed on finding a job and a place for us to live in London.

Time slipped away and before I knew it, the two and a half weeks were almost up and I’d found nothing, so we paid to have J-Rab’s return ticket postponed for another two weeks, making her return date this Friday.

Problem is, despite countless meetings, interviews, positive conversations and optimistic recruiters, after a full month of being here I still have nothing.

During the month we’ve been apart, J-Rab has been amazing at sending me photos of my daughter, sharing funny stories about the things she does and putting her on Skype as much as possible, which has made it a lot more bearable.

Still though, it doesn’t change the fact that my baby girl is changing and growing and experiencing things for the first time and I’m not there.

If you have kids, you can imagine what this is like or maybe you don’t have to, maybe you’ve experienced it yourself. If you haven’t had kids, I can only explain it in this way.

The two most amazing things about being a parent are watching your child grow and learn and adopt quirky little mannerisms that they learn from you, and being able to take your child in your arms and comfort them when they’re sad or tired or afraid or hurt.

I worry that when I next see my little girl, she would have adopted a whole bunch of mannerisms that are totally alien to me, that I have no idea who or where they come from, that make her fundamentally different to the perfect little bundle I kissed goodbye over a month ago.

But more than that, I worry that when she’s hurt or sad or scared I won’t be able to comfort her the way I could when she left, that she won’t want me, this guy who was there all the time and then just left for no reason.

I had to make a tough decision today. I had to decide between having J-Rab and The Cub return on Friday to a life of turmoil in which I have no job, am bouncing from one friend’s spare room to the next and am rapidly running out of money, or to extend their ticket again, this time by an entire month, so they can stay on in Boston with J-Rab’s mom where they’re safe and loved and looked after.

For purely selfish reasons I wanted them back. Long distance is hell, but long distance when you have a baby is ten times worse. “Everything will work out,” I reasoned, “just bring them over and figure it out as you go along.”

Problem is, sometimes things don’t work out. Sometimes, despite your best efforts, worst case scenarios start erupting like volcanoes all around you, spewing ash clouds of doubt and lightning storms of anger and resentment.

I have a roof over my head until the end of August. After that I have no idea where I’m going to live.

I don’t care either, I’ll find a way, I always do. But to drag J-Rab and The Cub into that is not fair and besides, I can’t bear the thought of the three of us holed up somewhere, relying on nothing but the slowly waning hospitality of our friends and families.

I had to make a tough decision today, but I made it none the less. J-Rab and The Cub will join me in London on the 5th September and shortly thereafter we will throw the biggest party you could ever imagine.

At this party there will be balloons and there will be cake and there will be clowns and there will be jumping castles and trampolines.

There will be all our friends who live here and all our family and we’ll be together and we’ll be happy and not for one second will we take one another for granted because all you have in this life are the people who love you.

It has to be the biggest party there ever was because it will be The Cub’s first birthday party, and it will be 26 days late.

She turns one on Tuesday.

 

 

-ST