Posts Tagged ‘rebecca black

12
Nov
12

Move Over Rebecca Black, There’s A New Talentless, Whiny Teenager In Town

WestbrookeI’m sorry I have to start your guy’s Monday like this, really I am, but the video you’re about to see is just too goddamn awful not to share.

The sick, twisted fuckers who wrote and produced Rebecca Black’s classic piece of internet garbage, “Friday”, have somehow lured another unsuspecting teenage girl into their recording studio dungeon to record a song about Thanksgiving.

I swear to God, this is “Friday” all over again. Irritating, whiny teenager in too much makeup – check. Lyrics so bad you’d swear a drunk four-year old wrote them – check. Creepy black dude hanging out with teenage girls despite his restraining order – check. And then out comes the drumstick…

 

 

Wow. And just like that, Nicole Westbrook’s life is ruined.

Somebody needs to arrest the paedophiles that lure girls into these videos and lock those sick fucking basterds away for life, starting with the fucker in the turkey suit.

I blame the parents. I mean for fuck’s sake, you saw what happened to Rebecca Black, why in the fuck would you ever allow your daughter to work with the same fuckers that made ol’ Bex so unpopular she had to be taken out of highschool because the other kids wouldn’t stop teasing her about how kak “Friday” was?!

And this is basically the exact same song. “First it was Christmas, then New Year after that, then came Easter…” Christ, no shit!

I have a feeling this could provoke an even worse reaction. Singing into a drumstick that looks like a dick is something that the world will never, EVER let you forget.

It’s just. So. WRONG!

-ST

28
Sep
12

SlickTiger Industries Presents: DIVE-BAR GAME REVIEWS

DBGR Ep1I was wading through my Slicky-T fanmail the other day when I stumbled on this intriguing mail from a total badass I used to know from way back.

The long and the short of it is that this total badass (we’ll just call him the TBA for brevity’s sake) now works for Megarom and asked me if I want to review games for the site to which I of course replied “HELL YEAH!”

Which in retrospect might have been a bit hasty seeing as I don’t have a console or a gaming rig that can handle anything more intense than The Sims.

Still though, it didn’t feel right passing up an opportunity to develop a relationship that could one day prove mutually beneficial when I get my shit together and actually buy a console so I told the TBA to send away and I’d figure out a way to give him some love on the site.

Fast forward to later that same day and I’m indulging in my favourite passtime with some buddies (getting drunk and playing pool badly in a dive-bar) when all of a sudden this genius idea strikes me.

My buddies have consoles! They can play the games and all I have to do is interview them about what the games were like, film it, put it on my site and KAPOW! Everyone’s a winner!

And so DIVE-BAR GAME REVIEWS was born in an alcohol-fuelled moment of pure inspiration.

So kick back, pour a whisky, relax and dig Episode 1 where my buddy Graumpot and I chat about Sleeping Dogs.

 

 

So yeah. Hope you guys enjoyed our first attempt at a Dive-Bar Game Review. Sure, it’s a little rough around the edges, it’s a little gritty, it’s a little grimy, it could use some colour-grading but it’s one of the few video projects I’ve worked on where, even after sinking about 100 hours into it, watching it doesn’t make me start twitching involuntarily.

Huge thanks to Graum and Blomdog who did me a solid on this considering our production budget was exactly R0.00.

Also a huge thanks to my long-suffering girlfriend J-Rab who spent many a boring night chilling solo in the flat while I cut this badboy up with Blomdog until the early hours.

Feel free to comment on what you thought of our review, but only say good stuff ok? Anyone trolls this I swear to God I will weep like a little girl after the hours I spent sweating blood to make this happen.

Have a killer weekend party people!

Catch ya’ll next week Winking smile

-ST

11
Jan
12

Willow Smith More Irritating Than Rebecca Black? Experts Say “Damn Straight!”

physician-scientist1International experts at the Stuttgart-based University Of Extremely Irritating Things (UEIT) have published a report recently to find out who the most irritating pop star is and, as predicted by every rational human on the planet, Willow Smith came out tops.

“We didn’t think it would ever be possible for an artist to be more irritating than Rebecca Black,” said Hein Schwarsvenberg, head of research at UEIT, “but data we’ve collected over the past few months would suggest otherwise.”

According to the UEIT report, 11 year old Willow Smith has not only topped Rebecca’s status as ‘most irritating pop star alive’, but is currently in the running for the top spot as ‘most irritating person in human history’”.

“Extensive tests were conducted on random groups of volunteers who were exposed to Willow Smith’s music at extremely high volume on repeat, and after one day all 356 780 test subjects had bashed their heads repeatedly against the walls of the laboratory so hard that only seven of them are still alive,” says Schwarsvenberg.

 

 

Willow Smith, who instantly rocketed to fame simply by being born, started her illustrious career in irritating people in June 2010 when she released her first single “I Whip My Hair”.

Shortly after the single’s release, reports started emerging of people driving their cars off cliffs, gauging their eyes out and throwing themselves off buildings after having the song stuck in their heads for so long, they simply lost their minds.

 

 

“With Rebecca it was never this bad,” says Schwarsvenberg, “we all knew she didn’t have the money to ever pull off a career in music that would survive outside of the internet. It was all a cute joke really and fairly tame in comparison to what Willow Smith has unleashed on the world.”

Smith’s current single, “Fireball”, which deals with themes of partying, being a spoilt little brat, partying, being amazing and more partying has a chorous line so irritating that medical professionals the world over are endorsing suicide as the only known cure for getting the line “Imma fireball of the party, Imma, Imma, Imma fireball of the party” out of patient’s heads.

 

 

“It’s a drastic call, we know,” said Charles Grant, MD of the medical profession, “but besides the fact that it’s the only known cure for getting that line out of your head, who’d honestly want to live in a world where atrocities like these are not only allowed to go unpunished, but are endorsed by commercial radio and TV stations simply because Smith’s parents are loaded.”

With Willow Smith’s album being released in April of this year, we can only hope and pray that the predicted Mayan Apocalypse happens in time to save us from the extensive mind-raping the album is likely to produce.

God help us.

God help us all.

-ST

19
Aug
11

Awesome Work Time-Wasters (Part Vi)

Cyclomaniacs5Seeing as it’s Friday, Friday, gonna get down on Friday (HA! Good luck getting THAT out your head…), I figured I’d post the most epic work time waster I’ve come across in a good while, courtesy of @justnormalafro.

Now I know every time I post a work time-waster I claim that it’s the most epic one yet, but you have to see this shit to believe it.

The game’s called “Cyclomaniacs” and it’s by far the most fun you can have whilst stealing time from your employer.

As you probably guessed from the name, it involves unlocking sick characters and levels and pulling off stunts whilst cycling on your badass little bicycle.

 

 

What I loved about the game is there are so many levels and achievements to unlock. As you complete races and stunts you earn more cash to upgrade your bike so it’s easier to destroy EVERYONE.

The more sweet jumps and stunts you pull off while racing, the more your stunt meter fills up and when it’s full, flames start coming out the back of your bike and you get a speed boost that makes doing more stunts easy as falling off a piece of cake.

 

 

To be perfectly honest, I haven’t played this game as much as I’d like to because I’ve been working at a face-melting pace recently and have had no time for shenanigans.

But that’s no excuse for you not to play it. And besides yesterday was Thursday, Thursday, today i-is Friday, Friday and we, we, we so excited right?

TOTAL TIME WASTED: About 2 hours so far, but the game remembers your progress so you can jump back on the site and pickup from where you left off whenever it so pleases you. (Translation: I’ll probably be playing this for the next 2 weeks…)
TOTAL ENJOYMENT LEVEL: 85%
FINAL VERDICT: You’d have to be a complete turd not to like this game, so give it a spin and tell me how much ass it kicks because nobody likes a turd

So get your cycle awn and I’ll see you crazy kids next week for some more internet enlightenment courtesy of your Tiger pal.

Have a killer weekend Winking smile

-ST

22
Mar
11

Rebecca Black Is Everything That Is Wrong With The World

Men don’t rule the world. We haven’t for awhile now. Sometime during the 80s we began to relinquish control to women as they marched into high-powered, high-paying executive jobs with their colossal perms and shoulder pads that would make even Lord Zoltron shit his pants in mortal fear.

 

 

However, fast forward thirty years and another species has taken over completely, a species that controls the purse strings of most families whether they realise it or not. Teenage girls.

Teenage girls have taken over the world. And the result of this take over is a flood of media about superficial, surface-level bullshit that means nothing in the greater scheme, but is an incredibly efficient way to move a whole lot of consumer products that no one really needs.

And so we get to the subject of today’s post, Rebecca Black, whose new single “It’s Friday” is very possibly the worst fucking song and music video I’ve ever seen in my life.

I refuse to post the video here because it’s hard enough to get the fucking song out of my head as it is, but mosey on over to Mr Nashes site http://www.bangersandnash.com/hey-fool/its-friday/ to watch the most cringe worthy performance you’re ever likely to see for as long as you live.

I hate this song and music video for a number of reasons:

1. She can’t fucking sing
2. She can’t fucking dance either
3. This song has been stuck in my head for THREE DAYS NOW, AAARARRARARARARARRAAGGHGHGHGH!
4. She has put no effort into the lyrics whatsoever, as the graph below perfectly illustrates:

 

 

5. Did I mention how catchy this trite pile of turd is?! AARARRGARGAHRAGRHGARH!

And apparently I’m not the only person that feels this way. Check out this awesome parody of this mind-numbingly crap song.

 

 

Thank you internet. I can always rely on you to fight back against the vacuous garbage the mainstream media spews out there.

And with that, I’d better get the fuck back to my day job because it’s Tuesday. Tuesday, Tuesday, Tuesday. And tomorrow is Wednesday and after that is –

Oh GODDAMNIT!

-ST