So yeah.
As you may have read in my posts here and here, J-Rab and I are struggling a bit at the moment to make ends meet.
It’s sad really, when I consider how much I fucking hate poor people, that I ironically seem to have become one.
There was a time when I couldn’t decide whether to blow my extra cash on extravagant trips overseas to exotic locales or invest it in prime beach-front real estate, it was a tough call and really used to stress me out.
Well, I’m glad to say that those stressful days are over. Now I scrape every cent I have together to just try make rent every month and beg the rest from kind people at the intersection of Roeland and Buitenkant.
However, you’ll be pleased to know that there is light at the end of the tunnel now that I have discovered one of the best kept secrets in affordable cuisine – stray cats!
The idea came to me when I stumbled on the vacant lot behind the Waterfront R10 parking one evening, right as the animal rescue people arrived to feed the literally thousands of stray cats that live there.
Naturally I begged to be fed some of the delicious cat food as well, not because I’m turning into a fokken prawn, but rather because it sure as hell beats eating YOUR week-old garbage.
The animal shelter people turned their noses up in disgust when I approached them and refused to make eye contact when I humbly asked for some delicious, crunchy dry cat food to get me through the night.
It was a new low for me and for a moment I hated those lucky stray cats, but the moment soon passed because like me, they were loveable in a mangy sort of way and they smelled delicious!
I lured one of them back to my flat with a brick and a plastic bag I fished out of a dumpster and got to work preparing this awesome, cost-effective meal:
Stray cat and lentil soup
Ingredients:
1 x Stray cat (tabbies work best, but failing that a nice ginger cat will do. For God’s sake DON’T go for a Siamese, they have a very low meat:bone ratio)
1 x Chicken stock cube
1 x Bag of red lentils
50g shredded ginger
1 x lemon (squeezed)
1 x bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry
Method:
Dice cat-meat into small cubes and soak in half a bottle of Old Brown’s Sherry to disinfect and flavour it while you drink the other half of the bottle to keep warm.
Boil up a pot of water, add the lentils and chicken stock cube and allow it to simmer for 40 mins. Add the cat meat right after along with the ginger and juice from the lemon and allow to simmer for as long as your relentless hunger will allow.
Ladle the soup into a tin bowl and slurp it down, making sure to dribble some into your matted beard for a snack later.
Et voila!
A word of warning though, I got first dibs on the cats behind the Waterfront. If I catch any of you greasy basterds down there helping yourselves to my stash, so help me God, I’ll jab a rusty screwdriver in you faster than you can shout “Help! A bergie’s trying to kill me!â€
Ain’t life peachy.
-ST
The Tiger Is A “Duscusting” Person
Tags: circus animals, fun police, hostile comments, punctuation saves lives, sense of humour failure, stray cat recipes, why so serious
My god it feels like ages since I last posted on this junkyard site, my apologies to my regular readers. To say I’ve been busy over the past two weeks is a total understatement – I’ve been livingbreathingeatingshittingsleeping work, but things are finally calming down a bit.
So yesterday I hit up into the backend of my site (um, wait, that doesn’t sound right…) and I find a comment I just had to share with you guys because the person who wrote it is clearly mentally handicapped / insane and should not be allowed within fifty feet of the interwebs.
A little context before I post her gem of a comment. The post she wrote it about is nearly a year old and was written (ironically) after a bout of not posting for a few days because I was snowed under.
I called the post “The Tiger Jumps Back On The Horse†and posted the following pic because, well, it shows a tiger on a horse:
So here’s what “Natasha†had to say about that pic:
What a load of total and utter fucking bullshit!
For the record, I have never hurt or made an animal suffer EVER, I have never locked a wild animal up in a “tiny cage†and I have absolutely nothing to do with the fact that animals are part of the circus.
All these fucking assumptions just because I posted a pic I stole off the interwebs somewhere. And don’t even get me started on the awesome grammar in that comment.
Believe it or not, this is not the first time something like this has happened.
Anyone remember the “Stray Cat Recipe†post I banged out last year when times were tight and I had to resort to eating stray cats to survive?
Yeah, the comment I got from that one was even better. Check it:
So there you have it folks. I am a DUSCUSTING and cowardly human being with too much time on his hands (ha! Christ, I wish) who should throw himself in front of the nearest oncoming train and do humanity a favour.
Incidentally, you should definitely read my reply to the comment above, good times!
Let this be a warning to you all – NOTHING is funny anymore. The world is a fucking SERIOUS place so you better get in line and wipe that goddamn smirk off your face.
The Fun Police are locked and loaded with more passive aggression than you can shake a stick at and they’re coming for us brothers and sisters.
It’s blood for blood by the gallon.
And I’m ready for war.
-ST