Posts Tagged ‘jesus tomb


Dead Chocolate Jesus

Easter. Who’s idea was that anyway? Of all the weird-ass pseudo-religious celebrations that happen, it’s got to be the weirdest by a long fucking way right?

The son of God gets tortured, nailed to a cross, fucking stabbed and left to die, then comes back from the dead three days later like some kind of zombie and we celebrate that fact by eating chocolate rabbits and chickens and marshmallow eggs?

Whatever drugs the person who cooked up Easter was on, I want some.



As a kid I did the whole go to church thing with my parents where I jiggled in my seat a lot and counted down the minutes to when I could finally go back home and eat some more goddamn chocolate goddamnit!

Once at Easter lunch, a distant relative, who was also a reborn Christian (stop reading this if you’re a reborn Christian, this is not the place for you, take your church band somewhere else) explained to us kiddies why Easter eggs are hollow inside.

‘Easter eggs are hollow inside,’ she told us with a big creepy smile on her face, ‘because it SYMBOLISES how when they opened JESUS’ TOMB, they found it EMPTY!’

Really? My nine-year old mind said (even back then I was sceptical of reborns).

‘So would Jesus be inside Easter eggs if they didn’t find the tomb empty?’ I asked, pure and innocent as the driven snow.

‘Why, I don’t know! Maybe!’ she said and then laughed for some unknown reason.

‘Ew!’ I said, ‘I don’t think anyone would eat Easter eggs if there was a dead chocolate Jesus in them.’



Yeah. How about that? Nine fucking years old.

Pity I only got dumber with time.


The administrators of this site would like to apologise on Slick’s behalf as he was unable to finish this post. Jesus, or possibly a reborn Christian, or SOMEONE, decided to smite ol’ Slick for his blasphemy and sent a minion from hell to break into Slick’s car and steal his GPS yesterday.

Hence he had to spend this morning running around trying furiously to get his window fixed before the long weekend, only to arrive back to an unresponsive laptop that was more interested in crashing than actually letting him write a goddamn blog post.

But yeah, he says happy Easter if he doesn’t get to post again.

Now go eat some chocolate and think about what would have happened if they found Jesus.

-The Site Administrator