Archive for the 'Satire, Irony And Vitriol' Category


The Ghanian Movie Industry Delivers Another Gem

Screen Shot 2014-08-20 at 11.47.14 You guys might remember awhile back I posted a trailer for the Ghanian movie 2016, which was a mind-blowing combination of horrendous CGI, gratuitous violence and insanely bad acting.

Well, it turns out that the Ghanians have been at it again with B14 1 & 2. If the trailer is anything to go by, this is the same (badly) reheated Hollywood leftovers we’ve come to expect from our Ghanian buddies.

Only this time, they’ve thrown in a healthy dose of Mortal Kombat in the form of a character who looks like a cross between Neo and Scorpion (shout out to Civilian for sending this my way).

It’s like some kind of cultural human centipede – Hollywood consumes human experience, shits it out as movies that are consumed by B-grade directors and producers who shit it out as movies that are consumed by Ghanian producers and directors who shit it out as Beee Fourteen ooooooooonnneeeeee and twoooooooooo!




Cool. Are we done here?

We’re done here.



Twickenham Charna

1661321099 Day 1 in London. J-Rab, The Cub and I shuffle exhausted through Border Control and 40 minutes later finally present our passports and are granted access to the United Kingdom.

At that exact point we should have stopped for a family selfy. I can see the shot so clearly in my head, J-Rab and I tired but happy and The Cub cute as hell but probably looking the wrong way.

Moments later J-Rab’s cousin who stays in Twickenham met us and took us through to his place where I spent the last night with my girls. It’s weird. The whole thing feels like a long, long time ago.

After we got settled and showered, we passed out for what felt like the longest time only to wake up and find the light totally unchanged.

That happens here in summer when it’s grey from horizon sto horizon. From about 8am through till 6 or 7pm the light stays exactly the same, diffused through a veil of grey. It was grey like that for almost an entire week after I landed.

Not long after we woke up, we started making preparations for the annual street party that happened to be going down on that same night, which was how I found myself 9 635 kms from home on a Saturday afternoon drinking Carlsberg and sawing wood to start a fire for a braai.



Not long after I got a seriously dangerous-looking fire going, the street party slowly came to life with kids screaming and laughing and throwing water balloons at one another and parents drinking and watching over the fruit of their loins with glazed contentment.

A couple of Carlsbergs and jugs of Pimms later, I took a walk up the road with J-Rab’s cousin to meet with a friend of his. When I got there I perked up immediately because I realised everyone braaing at the house we ended up at were South African!

It had only been 1 day, but the feeling of reassurance I got from hearing other South African accents was significant.

“You guys from South Africa? Me Too!” I said.

“Oh hi,” one of them replied.

“Wow, I can’t believe you guys live on the same street as [J-Rab’s cousin], what are the chances?!”

“Ha ha. Yeah…”

“Anyway, how long have you guys been here for?”

“About 12 or 13 years I think?”

“Shit, that’s a long-ass time. So I’m guessing things must be working out pretty well for you then?”

“Yeah. ‘Spose so. It’s not South Africa, but yeah…”

“Huh…” I said, the smile slowly fading from my face. Something was weird about this situation. I didn’t realise it at the time because I was fresh off the boat, but London is fucking riddled with Saffas.



Conservative figures estimate there are roughly 250 000 Saffas in London, but I’ve read other figures that go as high as 490 000. Running into other Saffas is a pretty regular occurrence, especially in Twickenham, which is why the Saffas at the braai I met were almost completely not phased at meeting me.

Well that and the fact that they were probably the most lifeless people I’ve met since getting off the boat.

They had that look about them that wild animals get when they’ve been in captivity just long enough to realise that this is it, they’re never getting out, and in that moment their spirit cracks clean in half and they schloomf down on their crappy couches in front of their gigantic flat screen TVs to permanently check out of life.

Then I met the Twickenham Charna.

This guy, Jesus Christ. I know you can already see him in your mind – ruddy complexion, freckles, touch of the ginger in him, the kind of dry, chapped lips cricketers get, wrap-around sunnies, surf-brand T-shirt, baggy cargo shorts and Haviana slops.



This guy isn’t interested in any fucking thing you have to say about anything. At best he’s just waiting impatiently for his turn to talk and impress you with the eyeball-gougingly boring opinions about absolutely fuck all.

These types are the fucking worst. Ask them what they think about London and they’ll basically tell you it’s shit, but they won’t come right out and say it because it begs the question, “Well then, why the fuck are you here?” to which, if they were being 100% honest, they would answer, “Um… I don’t know.”

Maybe they were once as excited and electrified by this city as I am, which kinda scares me because if that’s the case then what the fuck happened to these poor sons of bitches?

In order to assert his dominance over the group, this fucking mouth-breathing, long-tom drinking Neanderthal then proceeds to spend the next 30 minutes telling us about the renovations he’s made to his house, like anyone actually gives a shit.

The level of detail he went into made me want calmly wrap my fingers around his neck and squeeze until he turned purple.



It made me ashamed to be South African. These guys leave South Africa to come to London and live in places surrounded by other South Africans so they can have braais on the weekends, watch the rugby and talk about how kak London is compared to South Africa.

No. Please. I want you guys to shoot me if I ever get like that.

I came here to experience something different, something more. I came here to jump head-first into the fathomless depths of this city, dive deep, deep down and swim as far out of my comfort zone as possible to see if I can actually handle it.

I came here for an adventure goddamnit! Not to sit around moaning about London and hating life.

This city is a powerful beast. It can either squash you down until you’re a shadow of the person you were when you arrived or it can grow you into a magnificent version of yourself, able to think and move and interact at a level far above what South Africa could ever offer.

Don’t get me wrong though, I still love South Africa and I always will, but that doesn’t mean I can’t love London as well.

I hope I never lose the sense of wonder I have when I walk around this city, I hope I never take it for granted because when that day comes, it’s a short fall to wearing wrap-around sunnies and wanking in people’s faces about how clever I am for extending my back porch by 3.5m.





Realistic Mario Videos Started Well, But Then…

Realistic MarioI’m living out one of my childhood dreams at the moment and it’s rad. You guys remember Super Mario 3? With the raccoon suit? I LOVED that game when I was a kid but only ever played it on friend’s consoles.

I got pretty far in the game but never finished it because the Golden China console my buddies had at the time was so glitchy if you even nudged it slightly the game literally disintegrated.

I bought a Wii U almost a year ago, during which time I’ve played exactly three games on it – The Cave (average), Super Mario 3D World (brilliant) and yep, you guessed it, Super Mario 3.

They’ve faithfully ported that old classic onto the Wii, you can buy it from the Nintendo eStore for a paltry R60, and yes, it’s just as radass as you remember it.

It’s also pretty interesting to see how many things they introduced in Mario 3 that have stayed with the series ever since. It was a big game changer for the franchise at the time so that’s what I tell J-Rab – I’m not schloomfing on my ass playing crusty old TV games, I’m conducting “historical research” goddamnit!

Playing Mario obsessively also jogged this memory from the Dark Time Of No Blogging I recently went through of a radass video Civilian sent me called “Realistic Mario”, check it out:



Hahahaha! LOLZ yo! Having watched and enjoyed that one I dug a little deeper and found some more.

Like this one simply titled “Realistic Mario: Underwater”.

Anyone guess where this is going?



Huh. Quite funny. The fish eating them is a nice touch.

Then there’s “Realistic Mario: Yoshi” in which shit goes fucking bananas:



I liked the wet chewing noises. Classy.

And just in case you were even considering lunch, here’s “Realistic Mario: Koopa Shells”:



Not gonna lie, I think making the Koopa shells do that every time you jumped on them would actually be pretty rad. Satisfying…

But no, that shit is fucked up and wrong – how the hell would you kick the shells into other Koopas if they just caved in like that?!

Tiger out.



The Tiger Weighs In On Net Neutrality

NetNeutralityLast week (or was it the week before…?) I posted that video about SOLAR FRIKKIN’ ROADWAYS, a pretty genius idea that an engineering couple came up with to replace roads with solar panels.

I wrote about their mission to provide the world with huge amounts of clean energy whilst addressing a whole other stack of environmental issues and ended the post saying I was going to donate $10 to their cause.

At that stage they had raised a total of about $260k of their $1m target and had 11 days left. A week later they were over the $1.5m mark and have extended the donation period by another 20 days – all because of me!

Hahaha, what an asshole. No, it wasn’t all because of me, but I felt proud to have played a part in it because I did donate that $10 in the end and it felt good to get off my lazy ass for a change and actually try and affect change in the world.



Last night I found out about another pretty hectic cause that definitely could use some support and that’s the whole debate about Net Neutrality (or the proposed lack thereof) that’s been raging for over a year now.

I’ve seen it mentioned all over the internet and was dimly aware that it was a Very Bad Thing but never really took the time to dig a little deeper and find out what it’s actually about.

That was before I watched the video below which, though it’s a bit of a longy, is DEFINITELY worth watching if you a) Love the internet and b) You don’t like the idea of paying through your ass in order to surf the sites you love at a speed that won’t make you want to tear your eyes out.

Here, check it:



Yes, ol’ John Oliver gets a little much, but all-in-all I was really glad I watched this video because I realised why I haven’t really cared about this issue – it’s been handled in a painfully boring way so that the fucks we all give stay at an all-time low.

But if you actually stop and think about what this means for our experience of the internet going forward it’s pretty shocking.

I did some more digging to find out how South Africa specifically will be effected because we’re so far away from the epicentre of the internet (ie. the States, Europe and Asia) and found a great article here called “Net Neutrality in Africa” that goes into some detail about how this issue could effect SA.

The long and the short of it is that Africa has never really experienced Net Neutrality in its purest form. Up until 2009, the only internet cable coming into SA was the SAT3 cable which was choked so heavily by local telcos that internet speeds were a total joke compared to other parts of the world.



With the introduction of the Seacom undersea cable, internet speeds started to increase whilst bandwidth prices started to decrease significantly (except for mobile bandwidth, which is still ludicrously expensive).

HOWEVER, though most Internet Service Providers (ISPs) brought “unlimited” data bundle offerings to the table at seemingly competitive prices, these bundles were “shaped”. In other words, the internet speeds were being throttled during certain times or after users had downloaded a certain amount of data.

So, in essence, South Africans are no strangers to what it’s like to have our internet slowed down by the powers that be, but still, what the cable companies in America are proposing is a thousand times worse.



It might take some time for the effects to be felt in SA, but when it does happen, the most likely scenario is that local ISPs will start to offer packages where users will pay for their line rental, pay for their monthly bandwidth and then pay extra for high speed access to sites like YouTube, Facebook, etc.

If I understand the issue correctly, it will also mean that smaller sites like your pal Slicky-T will have to one day cough to have their sites loaded onto the high-speed tier or the sites will load like shit and never be able to compete with the big dogs.

Bottom line, I’m hitting up fcc/gov.comments the minute work stops trying to bugger me in the arse and I’m taking a stand.

So tell your friends. Maybe it makes a difference, maybe it doesn’t, but there’s only one way to find out…



Is The Wii U The Worst Console To Ever Be Designed Ever? (Part 2, The Final Part)

skyward-sword-failIf you missed Part 1 of my personal experience with Nintendo’s newest console, click here for the lowdown. I ended that part by asking a few pressing questions about this console that have been bothering me.

Those questions were: Why is the Wii U so crap? How did Nintendo manage to fail so dismally after getting it so right with the Wii? What does the future hold for Nintendo now that the Wii U has tanked?

In answering these questions I actually got off my lazy ass for a change and did some reading up about the Wii U and here’s what I found.

The most telling article I read was published on and is entitled “The Secret Developers: Wii U – The inside story”

It’s a helluva long but interesting read and gives some scary insights as to why the Wii U turned out the way it did. It’s brilliantly written by an anonymous third party developer and is a must-read if you’ve got 20mins to spare.

To begin with, when Nintendo first started pitching the Wii U to developers, they said their goal was to build a console that was the same size as the Wii and wouldn’t make much noise so that “mum wouldn’t mind having it in the living room.”



This is a problem because, as the article explains, to make the hardware quiet you need to have minimal fan noise. Minimal fan noise means cooling is limited. Limited cooling means you have to keep the clock speed on the Wii U’s CPU low and, you guessed it, low clock speeds mean poor overall performance when trying to run next gen games.

What Nintendo ended up building is a console that sits uncomfortably between the past generation of consoles (ie the PS3 and Xbox 360) and the new one (PS4 and Xbox One).

I say “uncomfortably” because the Wii U is only marginally better than the previous generation of consoles. The new generation of consoles leave the Wii U so far behind they lapped it before it even had a chance to start the race.

Here are some numbers:

Now Nintendo is in some seriously stormy weather because third party developers are jumping ship like there’s no tomorrow.



The reason why is simple. It costs too much to develop games that are compatible with the Wii U. The developer who wrote the piece I referenced above said by the time his studio had finished reworking one of their titles so that it could run on the Wii U, it had cost them so much time and money that it honestly wasn’t worth the effort.

This means that while the PS4 and Xbox One blaze a trail into the future of gaming and as the games that developers write for those consoles become more and more intense, the likelihood of them making Wii U versions of those games is exactly zero.

I think the fuck up on Nintendo’s part was their reliance on the assumption that the Wii U would do for gaming what the original Wii did when it was launched.

The Wii’s graphics were a long way behind the PS3 and Xbox 360 when the Wii was launched, but that didn’t matter. The innovative control system that relied more on motion than it did on physical buttons proved a massive hit with the casual gamer market and perhaps even defined this important audience.



The Wii U on the other hand comes with a controller that looks like the bastard child of a Sega Game Gear and a typical X Box / PS controller. To a casual gamer the controller will feel nothing like the original Wii and to hardcore gamers the controller will feel too gimmicky and cheap for them to ever take it seriously.

I mean it comes with a fucking stylus fer chrissake. A stylus! Who the fuck has time for that?!



Sure, you can buy a Wii remote (as long as it’s a Wii Plus remote) and nunchuck for an additional R800-odd and use the Wii U like a Wii but personally I see this as a gigantic waste of money.

So the audience that Nintendo so expertly marketed to with the Wii was completely forgotten with the Wii U.

Worse than that, the marketing of the Wii U was so bad that in most instances, consumers thought it was just an add-on to the Wii instead of the next generation console it’s supposed to be.

It’s even come under fire for its ridiculous name. They went with “Wii U” to show that not only can “we” all play on it, but so can “you” just sitting there by yourself wandering why the fuck you bought this ridiculous console.



Lastly, the Wii U has no extras. It can’t play BluRay discs, it’s not a media hub and though you can use it to browse the internet, you’d get more joy out of eating glass.

Sure, the games that Nintendo itself has developed for the Wii U (the new generation of Mario, Zelda and Donkey Kong titles for example) are all brilliant and a lot of fun to play. I say this having bought only two games since getting the console six months ago – The Cave and Super Mario 3D World.

Super Mario 3D World truly is fun and looks amazing in HD graphics and I’ve read good reviews about some of the other titles that have been released for the Wii U, but sadly the general consensus is that this console is a giant mistake on Nintendo’s part.

So what next for Nintendo? Will this dramatic decline in sales force Nintendo out of the console wars for good?



The simple answer is “no”. Nintendo is totally fine. I read in one piece that the company has enough money to stand losses like the one it’s currently suffering for the next 20 – 30 YEARS!

In the greater scheme of things, this won’t hurt Nintendo at all. What concerns me more is what the hell I’m going to do with this piece-of-shite console that’s now just acting as a giant paper-weight in my living room.

I’m secretly hoping that indy game developers will see the potential that this console could offer them if used correctly and will start releasing some cult classics to tide us over until the next Nintendo console is released.

In the meantime, unless you’re a die-hard Mario / Donkey Kong / Zelda / Super Smash Brothers / Metroid / Mario Kart fan I would not recommend buying this console.

Which is the long way of saying “Kids, don’t do what Tiger Don’t does” Winking smile



Is The Wii U The Worst Console To Ever Be Designed Ever? (Part 1)

black1In my 30 years of existence, I have owned exactly one console which is a bizarre fact for someone who has gamed since he was six years old. Oh wait, I lie. I owned a Game Boy back in the day, does that count?

For the most part I was a PC gamer in my youth and teenage years though I sank countless hours into my friends’ Golden Chinas, SNESes, Playstations and Playstation 2s whenever the opportunity arose.

At the ripe old age of 29 I finally decided to buy my very own console and what did I go with? Did I pre-order a PS4 or X-Box One? No, I bought history’s worst thought-out, named and marketed console, the Wii U.

I did it at the spur of the moment because my buddy Graum called me up and said Toys R Us were running a special launch promotion where they were selling a limited amount of Wii Us at select stores for the ridiculous price of R1 000.

When they launched, the consoles cost somewhere between R3 500 and R4 000 (no idea what they are now) so getting one for R1k was a total bargain.



We planned our attack meticulously, anticipating hordes of slavering geeks queuing outside the Toys R Us at Canal Walk overnight in anticipation of the launch of this “game changing” console. When Graum and I lived together he had a Wii and we played the shit out of that thing, it was a dynamite little console.

So logic dictated that the Wii U would be even better right?

The night before launch I carefully studied a floor map of Canal Walk to find the entrance closest to Toys R Us so that the minute the doors opened we could sprint towards the store and hopefully get close enough to the front that we could each buy one of the 12-odd consoles they had left for R1k.

By 5am on the dot, we had parked and were at Canal Walk. Turns out the entrance I found never actually closes so we just walked straight in and a minute later found ourselves in front of the Toys R Us, the only two dumbasses in the place.



Still though, we were stoked. It sounds like the dorkiest mission you could ever imagine but it was actually pretty fun. Half an hour later other people started arriving and by the time 7 rolled around there were at least 20 people queuing outside the store.

The store manager, who I would place in her late 50s / early 60s wasted no time in cracking all kinds of jokes along the lines of “Do your parents know you’re here?” and “Are you sure you’ve got enough pocket money to afford this?” and “Are mom and dad waiting in the car for you?”

Which I thought was a bit rich considering she was the one working in a goddamn toy store for a living but that’s probably exactly why she was taking such sick pleasure in ripping us all off.

The store eventually opened at 8 and within minutes, Graum and I were both proud owners of shiny new Wii Us.



I considered pulling a sicky for the rest of the day and just curling up under some blankets to play Nintendo Land, the game that comes standard with Wii Us, but my guilt got the best of me and I ended up going to work.

Back at home that night I gleefully plugged the console in and fired it up. It went through the usual rigmarole of connecting to my WiFi, updating, asking me to create a Mii character, etc, etc.

So far so good. Then I started playing Nintendo Land, a collection of cutesy, adorable little games that feel like they were designed for 6 year-old kids. In total I think I’ve spent 4 hours playing Nintendo Land, if that much.

I ventured into the online Nintendo eStore to check out what additional games they had there and found some pretty cool looking ones, only problem is the good ones were the same price you’d get them in store (upwards of R550).

There were some old Nintendo classics also for sale in the eStore starting at R50 but I didn’t feel like playing any of them. Instead I bought The Cave, a kind of puzzle game by the team who used to work on Lucas Arts games like Monkey Island, Day Of The Tentacle and Grim Fandango.



The game was ok. I played it for about 2 weekends and then I let the Wii U collect dust for the next 5 months, all the time promising myself I would get rid of it on Gumtree and try turn a profit before the rest of the world realised how horribly crap this console is.

But why exactly is the Wii U so crap? How did Nintendo manage to fail so dismally after getting it so right with the Wii? What will the future bring for Nintendo now that they have very clearly lost the current console war before it’s even really started?

All these questions and more I’ll answer in “Is The Wii U The Worst Console To Ever Be Designed Ever? (Part 2).

Laters yo.



A Video That Can Actually Top The Last One I Posted On The “What-The-Fuck-o-meter”

wackIf you guys caught the last music video I posted for Jamie Lenman and were actually able to sit through the thrash metal part at the beginning, then you have a better than average chance of handling this next one.

Fair warning though, it comes from Japan – home of the world’s weirdest shit since the term “weird shit” was first invented (probably by the Japanese).

Bizarrely these guys actually sound a bit like System Of A Down if everyone in the band decided to go on a 10 day meth binge interspersed with liquid LSD down-down competitions. The internet is indeed a wonderful place.

Are ya ready kids? Introducing Thheee Maximuummm Hoooooorrrrrrmmmmmmoooooonnnnnneeeeee!



I actually have no idea what to follow that video up with. What do you say to someone you’ve just made watch a video like that?

Yeah. Exactly.



Escape Monday: Pictures From Paradise (Part 1)


We’re trying a new thing here at SlickTiger Industries today folks and it is CRUCIAL that every one of you who reads this post today comments on the new thing we are trying IMMEDIATELY in the section provided.

This blog site is written at least 55% for YOU the people and 45% as a very strange, deeply troubling four year-long private joke that I a share with me and a handful of other people in my head.

But that’s a blog post for another day. Today’s post exists for one reason and one reason only – to transport you from the suicidal depression of another Monday to magical far-off places that closely resemble paradise.

The difference today though, is that I’ll be doing this using what I like to call a “photo gallery” which makes it a crapload easier for me to upload lots of images at once. It will also hopefully make it easier for you, the reader, to view these images.

Phew. Nervous. Ok, you guys ready? Ok.

Here we go…



PHWOAR! How the hell was that?!? Christ on a bike, you guys still with me?

It was like the pictures were coming out of the screen and cre-hating a 3d environment all around us!

This could change EVERYTHING on this site.

Exciting times I tell ya Winking smile



Wednesday Whack

Jamie LenmanThere is some whack shit out there yo. To a large extent I have to rely on you, my loyal readers, to share that whack shit with me because there is just way, way too much for one man to try and find alone.

So big up to Civilian who sent through the video I’m about to show you that could very well be the most schizophrenic performance I’ve ever seen in my time on this spinning rock in the middle of nowhere.

The first 1:43 is like having a jackhammer rammed into your ear by a hipster-looking fellow, but trust me, if you can tough it out, what follows is well worth it…



So flippin intense. From brutal thrash metal to chilled out swing laced with biting satire.

Ten points for originality.

Peew peew peew.



Tiger Finds Gallery Of Pornstars Without Makeup. Falls Off His Chair.

Proxy PaigeI’m very late to the party on this one, so you are well within your rights to get up on your high horse and have a good ol’ trot around if you’ve already seen these images of pornstars with and without their makeup.

However if you also missed these when they were originally posted here, then what you’re about to see could very well change the way you view porn and pornstars for the rest of your natural life.

It was quite a revelation when I saw these pics because I’ve always wondered why these flawlessly beautiful girls with perfect bodies decide to get into porn in the first place.

Yeah, turns out they ain’t so “flawlessly beautiful” after all. I mean I know porn is all fake, but wow. These before and after pics could very easily be completely different people.



























And the best of the bunch…


Crazy how they look like young girls before the makeup and end up looking like experienced woman once the transformation is complete (but I guess that’s kinda the point).

I was also shocked by how bad their skin is in some instances, but J-Rab pointed out that that’s probably because they have to put so much makeup on all the time.

So girls, the next time you catch your man mid-wank to some dodgey free porn site he’s found, show him this post to remind him of just how fake porn actually is.

If that doesn’t shatter his fantasies instantly, I don’t know what will…