Posts Tagged ‘vagina

23
Apr
10

Tell The Tiger (Episode 4)

This week’s Tell The Tiger marks a whole new era in this little project of mine because, I’m proud to say, after receiving a whole slew of emails from guys, I FINALLY received one from the fairer sex!

Fuck! It was awesome, I nearly fell off my goddamn chair. It’s like when the girl from next door somehow figures out the secret codeword to get into the boy’s tree house where she then proceeds to skin you and your mates for all your pocket money in exchange for up a peak up her skirt.

What?! Like you wouldn’t have. To this day, Minnie Mouse never looked so goddamn adorable…

 

 

Where was I… oh ya, a GIRL wrote in this week and so I’d like us all to give her a warm, Tell The Tiger therapy group welcome.

Coffee’s free, but I see someone ate all the doughnuts. Nice guys. Very classy.

Right, so let’s get to it. Here’s what she sent:

Hi Slick,

I’m worried my boyfriend of nine months is cheating on me. We live together and I intercepted a message on his phone last week that said, ‘I want you so badly right now’ that came from a number I didn’t recognise. He didn’t seem bothered by it at all, and said it was just a completely random sms that went to the wrong number, but he’s been acting wierd lately and doesn’t have the appetite for sex that he used to. The thought of him with someone else makes me sick, but the thought of losing him is worse.

I read all his cell phone messages last week, but didn’t find any others from that number, he walked in before I could read his sent items though. He says he’s stressed from work and the long hours and that’s why he doesn’t want sex and that things will go back to normal once he’s done with the big project he’s working on.

Am I overreacting? I want to trust him, but that sms really freaked me out.

Confused !

Ok, Confused (I’m just gonna call you ‘Conny’ if that’s ok?).

Conny. To be quite frank with you, my tigey-sense (yes, I just did that) tells me there’s another side to this story that you’re not telling. You ‘intercepted’ a message on his cell phone? What are you, a GESTAPO SPY?

 

 

Never read a man’s cell phone messages or email inbox unless it is with his express permission. Did it make you feel good, finding that message? Did it feel good to snoop around behind your boyfriend’s back and read his inbox? Sure, maybe if you were a GESTAPO SPY it would have made you feel good, but I’m betting you’re just a regular human and it made you feel like crap.

As for the message itself, I dunno, it does seem a little peculiar. The only messages I’ve ever gotten that went to the wrong number have been ‘Please call me’s from people with names like Jabusizwe, Promise, and a guy I let sleep on our couch once for a few weeks because (according to his sign board at the traffic lights) the police arrested his elephant for smoking.

BUT it is entirely within the realm of possibility that someone just sent him the wrong message. Possible. Not probable. But possible.

The sex thing could definitely be work-related. When a man’s tired, he’s less likely to initiate sex and a lot of women don’t have the confidence to fire things up themselves because, let’s face it, men are usually horny bastards who need no encouragement.

 

 

Try initiate things if you haven’t already, if this still doesn’t work, at least give him the benefit of the doubt until whatever this ‘big project’ he’s working on is over. If things don’t spice up after that, watch for the following tell-tale signs he’s cheating:

 

  • He smells like woman’s perfume, and not your perfume (though, in a way that would be more fucked up) someone ELSES perfume
  • He has fresh condoms in his wallet / glove box / dinner jacket he went out in for a company function only to come back at 4 in the morning smelling like VAGINA
  • There are hairs in your bed, long ones, that aren’t yours
  • There is a woman in your bed, shedding that hair while she rides your boyfriend like a merry-go-round pony, that isn’t you

 

In all seriousness though, there is only ever one rational answer to the question ‘Am I overreacting?’ when asked by a woman, and that answer is ‘yes’.

Confront him with your fears if this weirdness persists, you owe him that much. Otherwise let that sms go and always remember, if he thinks he’s found someone who is better than you, cut that stupid asshole out of your life and move on because clearly he doesn’t know a good thing when he finds it 😉

Hope this helps!

-ST

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Remember, if you have difficulties with life in any way, size, shape or form, you too can Tell The Tiger by simply mailing him on tellthetiger@gmail.com and he will do his level best to address your troubles or your money back!

02
Jan
10

Site Overhaul Initiating… beep… fail

Today looked different in my head.

It started with me waking up before 9.30, making a killer breakfast with bacon and eggs and sausages and fried tomatoes and mushrooms cooked slowly in butter, freshly squeezed cold orange juice, toast from homemade bread, more jam than you could shake a stick at.

 

 

Can you taste that? Fahk.

After that I was going to take J-Rab somewhere away from here, away from all the cement and asphalt. We were going to drive, far out there and find a place where the two of us could be alone, there would be a river there we could drink out of, we’d spread a blanket out under some trees, pop a bottle of champagne, drink it out of crystal flutes and eat expensive sandwiches, the ones from Woolies.

We’d look up at the sky through the leaves and see big ‘ol lazy birds circling overhead, riding thermals for kicks.

 

 

We’d drive back home just before sunset, the warm feeling of the sun still on our skin, and we’d be happy, our heads fuzzy from the champagne, and we would want nothing, nothing else from this life except for everything we had already.

It would be raining as we fell asleep.

Instead we got up sometime after 10 and tidied the flat until 2. We went to Sandton City, I exchanged a shirt J-Rab got me for a better one and we came back home.

And all the while, these dreams kept coming back to me from last night. In one I was preparing for war, and when it broke I was unstoppable. They sent me in there armed with a giant machete, and I hacked the shit out of anything in my path. Problem was, it was my own ranks I was hacking my way through.

Bummer.

 

 

In another dream I dreamed this girl I know appeared in Playboy magazine and had a horizontal instead of vertical vagina. As in, not up and down but left to right. Freud would love me.

Then my brother called from Australia where he’s just moved and we talked for about an hour. It was good to make contact again, I think it’s been about 6 months or more since we spoke last. He’s a good man, my brother and he’s living a good life over in Oz. I really hope I can visit him sometime soon.

My day got better from that point and the evening has been pretty damn awesome. J-Rab cooked us up an amazing stir-fry and I rented the new Star Trek movie to watch, which I really, really enjoyed and I would encourage everyone to watch, doesn’t matter if you’re a sci-fi freak or not, it’s a great action movie and the script is rock solid.

 

 

Now I’m watching Alexander on E-TV and thinking man-o-man Rosario Dawson has a great rack, it’s pretty much the best thing about the entire movie. Something about Colin Farrell makes me want to punch him in the face when I see him in some movies, same is true for Jared Leto (yet another reason why I fucking love Fight Club. What Edward Norton does to Leto’s face in that movie? Yeah, I’ve wanted to do that for years).

But anyway, the overhaul of this site never happened. I’m sorry. I know you’re heartbroken. Please, let me make it up to you with this great pic of Rosario Dawson I just found…

 

 

All good? Great 🙂

I will say one thing about today though, it may not have started like I wanted it to, but it’s raining slow and heavy outside, so at least it’s going to end the way I hoped it would.

Ain’t that wonder 😉

-ST