Tell The Tiger (Episode 6)

It’s been awhile since I last delved into the tellthetiger@gmail.com inbox and made a lucky reader’s life perfect in every way, my apologies for that, but I’ve been focussing most of my energies on making on own life liveable over the last week, and I’m happy to report things are back on track.

Opening the tellthetiger@gmail.com inbox is kinda like swiping a security card at the local loony bin and stepping into a room full of slobbering degenerates, walking in endless circles and staring with glazed eyes at the TV-in-a-cage which only ever shows lawn bowls on mute.



God knows, I’ve missed you guys.

This week’s mail (which was sent to tellthetiger@gmail.com) is beautiful in its simplicity, so without any more verbal circle-jerking, let’s jump in there shall we?

Hey SLicktiger,

im still in highschool but I read your site a lot, its awesome, where do you find the pictures, they’re funny dude!

anyway, my problem is a lot of my friends are hooking up and have girfriends, but I haven’t as of yet because I cant approach girls without sounding liek a fuckin retard.

have you got any pickup lines youve used that have ever worked or are pickup lines bullshit?



Holy fuck, children read this blog?! Can’t I get arrested for that? For Chrissake sake don’t tell your friends about this site!

Oh and thanks for noticing the pretty pictures JP. Finding them isn’t easy. You gotta know a guy who knows a guy, then you gotta meet that guy in a dark back alley behind a Chinese diner with an envelope of cold hard cash, unsealed, and the rest well… I could tell you but about a week later you’d mysteriously disappear and all your family would ever see of you would be the little cotton wool-wrapped bits they’d get sent in envelopes.

As for your problem, my advice to you is definitely suicide. There’s a good chance you sound ‘liek a fuckin retard’ because you are one. Seriously JP, ‘girfriends’? What the fuck is a ‘girfriend’?



Proof-read your work son, this is a site for GROWN-UPS, where we discuss GROWN-UP stuff in a GROWN-UP manner. I’ll have none of that ghetto spelling here young man!

Lucky for you though I was also 13 once and more than willing to crawl over my own dead mother to get laid. Um… wait, that didn’t come out right…

To answer your question: no, pickup lines are not bullshit, you just gotta know the right ones to use and practise them in front of the mirror until your delivery is perfect in every way. Also, it helps to start with the ugly or fat girls in the group to get your confidence up and then move up the ladder to the belters.

Also, alcohol helps. But I didn’t tell you that.

Here are my top 10 pick-up lines of all time, use them wisely:

1. Was your dad retarded? Because you’re special.
2. Christ you’re so hot I’d suck your farts like a BONG HIT!
3. (Looking around the room) Did you invite all these people? They’re shit. Tell them to go home so we can bang on the bar counter.
4. Man, I see a cute girlie like you and all I wanna do is tickle your belly button… from the inside…
5. Your wig is beautiful (tug tug) what glue do you use?
6. That’s such a nice top, my niece has one just like it… she has down syndrome…
7. (Standing waiting for a drink at the bar) Fuck me, whose dick do you have to suck to get a drink around here? Is it yours?
8. I’d offer to buy you a drink but by the look of it you’ve had plenty already.
9. You: I’m sorry, you can’t smoke inside here. Her: I’m not smoking. You (winking and pointing your finger-gun): Yes you are.

And my personal favourite:

10. Did it hurt? When you fell from heaven? Cause by the look of it you landed on your FACE.

I hope these help JP, if not I’m sure the dirty basterds who read this blog have plenty more where these came from.

Anyone out there care to impart some knowledge that might help this wayward young ghetto-speller?

Site’s all yours 😉


7 Responses to “Tell The Tiger (Episode 6)”

  1. May 14, 2010 at 9:59 am

    Hey JP there’s some sound advice here – Slick knows his shit. I wouldn’t discount the old “I like every bone in your body, especially mine” line – works like a wet dream on hot chicks. In the meanwhile learning to spell is not a bad plan – just look how well it worked out for Salman Rushdie.

  2. 2 Toffee Boy
    May 14, 2010 at 10:00 am

    Fuck me!!!!
    I thought it’s gonna be a while before ST comes up with another corker like the blonde belters and gym blog but here it is.
    More than once I did chuckle and it made my day.
    Now, onto JP.

    Dude, you got to proof read otherwise okes liek ST and me are gonna rip into you (yes I meant to spell like, like you did)
    You have much bigger problems than chat up lines, like being able to communicate like a human being, but having said that I admire you for coming clean and asking the Tiger for advice.

    The lines he has provided you are definitely the way to go.
    Making chicks (no disrespect to you bitches is meant) laugh is the number one way to go.
    One of my all-time favourite lines that should get you to at least second base:

    Spot a chick from a distance, make sure she sees you walking towards her.
    As you get to her say “that bloke over there fancies you” and gesture behind you.
    Then walk back to where you gestured turn around and wink at her.
    This will propel you from the shy, pimply, self-conscious nerd that you are into the realms of the Toffmeister.

    Good luck dude.


    P.S. Don’t forget to proof read.

  3. 3 JP
    May 14, 2010 at 10:41 am

    LOLZ! Hey I got on the site!!!! Nice pickup lines Slick, sorry for the bad spelling, I was in a bit of a rush, but I GOT ON THE SITE! Hahahaha! AWE-SUM! 🙂
    Im gonna try the smoking one, the bong hit one was too funny, but I’d never be able to say it and I like Toffe Boys one too, I could do taht one.

    Thanks Slick! You made my day!!

    • May 14, 2010 at 11:02 am

      And what about Luce’s one? Gotta listen to the ladies JP, I’d definitely try that one on for size and see where it get’s you.

      Toff nailed it though – make her laugh. A woman’s laughter is the sound of her defensive shields slowly melting away. Once those are out the way you can actually start getting to know one another, but as long as she’s wary of you, you’re up shit creek.

      Also, don’t be afraid of getting shot down, it’s not a big deal. Man up, get back on the horse and try again.

      YOU are the prize JP, remember that and you’ll be just fine 😉


  4. May 14, 2010 at 12:18 pm

    Ahh man, Tony, you are a comedy god. Thanks for cheering me up.

  5. 7 shanks
    May 17, 2010 at 3:58 pm

    Hey JP!

    Listen to ST! He knows what he’s talking about… I’m referring to his line “Also, don’t be afraid of getting shot down, it’s not a big deal.”

    The key at this point isn’t quality, it’s QUANTITY! You’ve just got to get out there and do it.

    To keep it simple, here’s the recipe:
    1. Pick your fav line.
    2. Walk up to girl.
    3. Deliver line with confidence.
    – Repeat steps 2 & 3 ten times.

    Statistically you will get between 2 and 3 girls to fall for your line.
    Reasons might vary:
    – they might be as intelligent as a rock.
    – they might be too drunk
    – they might be in a slump and not give a fuck
    – they might just not give a fuck

    – OR they might actually like your look no matter what you say. (as long as you say something)

    Good hunting mate,

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

CommentLuv badge