Posts Tagged ‘5fm


Linkin Park Limps Toward SA

LinkinParkPA190911Twitter was abuzz yesterday when news broke about Nu Metal band Linkin Park touring SA later this year, much to the delight of basically no one.

“As a band, we’ve reached a point in our career where we have all come to the realisation that our creative energy is nowhere near where it used to be,” said Linkin Park frontman, Screamy-Guy. 

“Add the fact that our fan base is waning steadily, and that leaves us with only one option left really – go on tour to South Africa.”

Linkin Park exploded onto the Nu Metal scene with Hybrid Theory back when bands like Limp Bizkit and Crazy Town were popular which aptly sums up their musical prowess.

Since their debut back in 2001, the band has released a staggering four albums all of which, with the possible exception of the Hybrid Theory carbon-copy Meteora, have been lauded by fans and critics alike as being “kind of okay”.



“I dug that one song they did, I think it was a couple of years ago, you know the one where he’s singing about torture and pain and suffering and bleeding and shit,” said avid 5FM listener and musical ignoramus Gerrit du Toit, “ja… that on was flippin kief…”

The band will be in SA under the guise of promoting their new album Living Things which is currently enjoying a Metacritic rating of 58/100.

“Living Things is definitely our most experimental record to date,” said Screamy-Guy, “in that it signals a marked departure from the band trying to copy Nine Inch Nails to trying to copy Skrillex, who we’ve heard is way cool.



“After the response the album got after it launched, we consulted our good friends Collective Soul, Evanescence and Staind all of whom said it was definitely time to head to South Africa because yeah… South Africa is so starved for bands, it’s probably the only place in the world that we can still sell out a stadium.”

Linkin Park are set to wow people in their early thirties (who are still stuck in 2001 and get excited when “Mr Jones” plays at the pub) with concerts in both Johannesburg and Cape Town in early November.



The Tiger Listens To 5FM, Gets Scarred For Life

blow-torch_01For about three years, maybe more, I flat out refused to listen to commercial radio in South Africa and my rationale was pretty simple.

I don’t listen to the songs I like five times a day, so hearing music that infuriates me on infinite repeat was about as fun as shaving my balls with a blowtorch.

Recently though, maybe because I’m getting old or because my fighting spirit has been broken, I’ve been listening to 5FM in the mornings because sometimes I get a chuckle out of it, with the exception of this morning when a woman phoned in and scarred me FOR LIFE.

It started out innocently enough – a woman who sounds like she’s in her 40s calls the station to tell Gareth this ambling story about how she wished she’d gotten through for some competition or other about things you’ve fixed (or something like that, I’ll be honest, at this point I wasn’t paying much attention, the conversation was pretty boring).



Gareth asked her if she enters a lot of competitions because she sounded like one of those creepy serial competition-entering types and she said no, her job doesn’t really allow for that.

“Why?” asked Gareth, “Do you work in a sweatshop or something?”

“No,” she replied, “I work in the morgue.”

Just wait, it gets better / worse.

“Oh wow, that’s pretty hectic,” Gareth said, “what do you do there?”

And I shit you not, her reply (which is still echoing in my head) made me feel intensely uncomfortable.

“I put humpty dumpty back together again,” she said, as the whole of South Africa whispered “what the… fuck…?” in morning traffic.



No one in the studio seemed particularly distressed by this news at that point and started firing all these questions at the woman during the course of which another two nuggets of disturbing shit dropped out (wonderful mental picture right there):

1. She works exclusively on CHILDREN
2. She will sometimes work on as many as 9 A WEEK!

They asked her if she gets to see a psychologist as part of the job, to which she replied “No, I don’t.”

Now, I don’t want you guys to get the wrong idea here, what she does is a necessary service, and one that probably makes it easier for grieving parents and families to say goodbye, but still, it gave me the willies man!

“I put Humpty Dumpty back together again…”



And just like that, the nursery-rhyme analogy makes perfect sense.

Because it’s children…

If anyone needs me, I’ll be staring unresponsively off into space, probably until Monday…

Have a… killer weekend? Disappointed smile



Gig Review: Basement Jaxx

Remember back in high school when school socials would roll around and you’d get all excited about rocking out at them and having the time of your life, and then the big night rolled around and you realised all it was was a bunch of bored-looking people crammed into your school hall wishing they could get their hands on some booze?

Yeah. In one, long convoluted sentence, that was Basement Jaxx last Friday.



I’d never been to the Waterfront Lookout before, but the name conjured all kinds of majestic imagery of an open-air concert venue with a perfect view of the harbour and grassy banks where concert-goers could drink in the sights around them while taking a break from the manic crowds dancing like their lives depended on it by the front of the colossal stage.

I pictured giant luxury cruise liners floating by the Lookout with people in tuxedos and evening dresses sipping cocktails on the poop deck while the moon’s reflection shimmered silver on the ocean’s wavy surface.

Instead I arrived to find a fenced-in patch of gravel next to a hall that would be awesome for bingo. At the one end of said hall was a queue seven people deep for a drink and the other a cramped-looking stage with a couple of big screens and lighting rigs.

The patio on the other side of the hall ‘looked out’ at the back-end of the waterfront where the ocean gently lapped random pieces of trash while the wafting scent of rotten fish rolled in misty waves over the people gathered there to smoke and stare in disdainful silence at one another.



I don’t want to sound like a whiny bitch here, so I’m going to gloss over the performances of all the supporting acts and just say that they were all really, really nice (if you eatlivebreatheshit 5fm) and that I definitely would have boogied on down to their phat and original beats had I spent the afternoon drinking rubbing alcohol / had a large portion of my brain removed.

Then the main act took the stage! We knew this not because they came out guns blazin’ and instantly blew everyone’s minds, but rather because like magic, the queues at the bar disappeared and we could make an earnest effort at getting plastered on overpriced Millers.

Basement Jaxx played with very little heart and the crowd could tell. Halfway through their set most people had already left to beat the traffic home. It was embarrassing.

Sure, there were moments when they rocked out and got the crowd pumping, but sadly they were rare. Most of their set comprised of remixes of other artist’s material (including “Sex On Fire” which, for me, was a definite low point) with one or two Basement Jaxx classics thrown in and a long-ass middle section of beats that went nowhere.



However, this is not to say the night wasn’t still awesome for me. Here, in bullet-point form are the parts I liked best:

  • The part when my buddy-down-from-joburg The Glaze lost his mind in the drinks queue, shoved his money into my hands, said he had to go outside for some air and then dropped like a sack of potatoes on the stairs in a dead faint. I missed the whole spectacle (CURSE YOU DRINKS QUEUE!) but reliable eye witnesses said he threw his arms back dramatically in the air and keeled over in a graceful backwards swan dive. Haha! Priceless.
  • The part where my buddy Barbarian took an entire MDMA cap in one go because he thought security was watching him crack it open to take a hit and then spent the next hour fighting to keep his shit together. He ended up going home with two girls he’d just met. Legendary.

So the evening wasn’t completely wasted, but you can pretty much bet your ass any parties that crop up in future with the words ‘5fm’ or ‘Waterfront Lookout’ in them will not be graced by this Tiger.

But hey, that’s just like my opinion, man. I’m sure this will no doubt be greeted by the usual slew of personal abuse my writing seems to attract.

I mean fuck. No one wants to hear it like it is. But that’s a story for another time kids 😉