Posts Tagged ‘valentines day

08
Feb
12

MANentine’s Day – It’s AWN!

lucy-football1I know what you think when you think about Valentine’s Day, because I think the exact same thing: BLOWJOBS.

That’s right. BLOWIES. But do we ever get them? No we do not. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why men HATE Valentine’s Day.

I use the Charlie Brown analogy. That poor, poor basterd.

Always running up to kick the football that Lucy, who is a manipulative little thing if I ever saw one, ALWAYS pulls away at the last second, making Charlie land square on his ass.

Likewise, you buy your lady some flowers, a box of chocolates, maybe a gay little soft toy. You take her out for dinner and wine at a restaurant that has prices so high your balls hurt just thinking about them and you show her a great time.

You take her back home to the rose petal trail leading to the bedroom, light a few candles and give her a loving backrub with Roman Chamomile oil with a little Kenny G playing softly in the background.

 

 

You are so ready at this stage to get the best blowie of YOUR LIFE that you can hardly contain your excitement as you strip down and assume the position, ready to have your member and your mind BLOWN TO KINGDOM COME only to find…

She’s fallen into a wine-Kenny-G-and-sensual-backrub-induced coma and you’re somersaulting through the air, about to land square on your ass.

Either that or she sidles up to you all seductively, and whispers something devious like, “Whaddya say we just skip to the good part?” and before you know it, SCHLOOMF! It’s all over.

Well, I’m here to tell you some good news brother!

Because 2012 is a leap year, it ain’t Valentine’s Day on the 14th of Feb, it’s MANENTINE’S DAY, which means all the blowies YOU CAN HANDLE!

That’s right ladies, this year it’s all about spoiling your MAN. This is what the good folks at Savanna explained to me on Monday when I found ANTON TAYLOR and a BELTER waiting for me at reception:

 

 

That’s not all though. They also dropped off a whole lot of SICK manly stuffs like TOILET GOLF:

 

 

GUN ALARM CLOCK:

 

 

And my personal favourite, MMA DVD:

 

 

Don’t lie. You want this stuff SO BADLY right?

It’s all good homes, go to Savanna’s FB page by clicking on these magical words and tell them what your ultimate MANentine’s date would involve and you could win a date worth R10 000.

And if she DOESN’T give you a blowie at the end of that, well, I have some bad news for you.

You are dating a nun.

 

 

Good luck out there – if anyone’s gonna win this competition, it’ll be one of you crazy basterds Winking smile

-ST

12
Feb
10

Valentine’s Day Post

Valentine’s Day is definitely my favourite Hallmark Holiday because it very neatly divides the world into two factions – people who are in a relationship and people who aren’t or, in layman’s terms, people who will get ass and people who wish they were getting ass.

 

 

So logically, when V-day rolls around one of two things will happen to you, (please keep in mind I’m writing this from a male perspective because, well, that’s what I am):

Thing Number One

A sudden and inexplicable panic will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “is it Valentine’s Day already?! Fuck! What the hell should I get her? No wait, screw that, why the fuck should I get her anything just because some greeting card company says so? Fuck it, I’ll just explain the retarded logic behind it all to her and suggest we just forget it this year…”

This will not end well. Your girlfriend is not stupid, she knows it’s a bullshit marketing ploy, BUT she’ll be damned if her friends are being spoilt rotten by their boyfriends while she files her nails and watches you play X-Box.

 

 

Play along. If you get it right she might reward you by inviting that friend of hers who posed in FHM once over for a threesome. Not likely, but hey, a guy can dream.

Thing Number Two

A sudden and inexplicable hatred will strike you. “Fuck!” you’ll think to yourself, “it’s Valentine’s day and I’m single – AGAIN! I hate everyone in a relationship right now! They make me want to puke! Valentine’s day makes me want to puke! Romance is shit! I’m going to a ‘fuck Valentine’s Day party’ to get wasted, I’m not even going to try to hook up with anyone I’m so pissed off! But y’know… if it happens I won’t say no… could be quite nice actually…’

For the longest time in my life I was a ‘Thing Number Two’ kinda guy, a TNT man if you will, because I have chronically bad luck when it comes to Valentine’s Day and have only spent ONE Valentine’s Day with a girlfriend.

How. Sad. Is. That?

Remember Valentine’s Day back in highschool? What a giant clusterfuck of competing adolescent egos, man-o-man! I remember slouching my way over to the school hall with my buddies with this feeling of mounting dread welling up inside me as we took our seats and our school prefects (who all got dressed up in drag for some ungodly reason) started pumping rave ‘choons’ and handing out valentines to the lucky assholes whose girlfriends / crushes had decided to make a public display of their affection.

 

 

And there the rest of us sat, our hearts full of hope, our heads bobbing like meerkats every time we thought we’d heard our names called, only to have that hope crushed into the dirt when yet again, we left the school hall empty handed and went behind the school bathrooms to smoke some heroin.

I call this the ‘Charlie Brown Scenario’ because let’s be honest, that kid’s a big, fat loser that nobody, not even the kids watching the show, ever liked. Where the fuck is his hair?! Fucking Progeria-ridden motherfucker – wear a wig for chrissakes!

Anyway, I call it the Charlie Brown Syndrome because of the fucking infuriating way he would always run up to kick the football Lucy was holding, only to be duped by the bitch, time and time again, as she pulled away at the last minute.

EVERYONE saw it coming. EVERY kid watching that show was like, ‘”Charlie Brown you fucking moron, don’t fucking fall for that sneaky little whore’s tricks! Get the fuck outta there, go! Run away! Eat some rocks you got from Halloween or something, anything!”

 

 

But the goddamn tard never listened to reason, did he? Well, I felt like that goddamn tard every time Valentine’s Day rolled around, convincing myself that this time, Lucy was going to keep her finger on that football but no, the slut never did and I left the hall with nothing but a desperate longing to burn the school to the ground.

And surprise surprise, this year’s no different. I’m stuck up here in Joburg while J-Rab is down in Stellenbosch and yes, I know it’s just a dumb fucking fabricated event to encourage mass consumerism, but I’d give anything to spend it with her.

We’ve been dating for three years in October and never spent Valentine’s Day together, but you bet your ass when that day finally comes there’ll be a fucking parade in the streets!

There’ll be all the roses in the world built up into massive, red, heart-shaped floats and hundreds of fat little dwarf dudes in togas with tiny white feathery wings on, and when we reach the city centre we’ll release a hundred thousand red and white balloons that will float toward the clouds and into jet engines everywhere.

 

 

It will be epic 😉

But until then if you, like me, are spending Valentine’s Day away from your loved one, just remember this: yes, it may be lonely and depressing and yes, there’s a good chance that you’ll feel like a big fat loser but it’s nothing, nothing a little heroin can’t fix 😉

Happy Valentine’s Day.

-ST