08
Aug
12

The 3 Survivor Seasons They Would Never Make But Totally Should

Jeff Probst Tribal Council SurvivorJ-Rab and I are hopelessly addicted to Survivor. There, I’ve said it. Judge me all you like, but holy balls that show is addictive.

We know people who know people and get us all the Survivor seasons before SA gets them (SABC 3 is about to wrap up S20, in the States they’re about to start S25).

Then we curl up to watch an entire season in two or three nights, one episode after the next until it’s finished, like two junkies mainlining reality TV, which is how I got to thinking about the kinds of Survivor seasons I’d make if I were in charge.

On SA TV we’ve been watching Survivor: Heroes vs Villians which, to my knowledge, is the first time Survivor has grouped people into tribes based on their perceived moral characteristics.

In a later season they group people into tribes of old people vs young people and men vs women, both of which make for pretty entertaining TV, but let’s be honest, it’s high time they put a twisted fucker in the driving seat to take things to the next level and I think I have just the guy for the job…

 

SURVIVOR: FIT VS FAT

At least half the people they put on Survivor definitely spend the months leading up to the show hitting the gym like a buncha maniacs so that they look pretty schweet when they get on the show hey boet?

But once in awhile, you get contestants who could definitely stand to lose a bit of weight. I say why stop there? Let’s get some people who are 10 meals ahead and 5 shits behind on the show. Some people who are seriously fighting anorexia and kicking it’s ASS.

Then on the other team, we pack it full of monster KLAP GYM okes and belters, dripping with spray tan and pumped so full of roids they are dangerously close to full on heart attacks at any minute.

 

 

The two teams compete as per usual, but if you get voted out, you get sent to Starvation Island where all there is is a treadmill and some rice cakes to keep you going.

Watch the ultimate irony as all the BUFF OKES muscle starts turning to fat and all the fat peoples fat just gets burned off.

Who will Outwit, Outplay, Outlast the others when there’s no pie / dangerous anabolic steroids to keep them going?

SURVIVOR: RETARDS VS GENIUSES

This one sounds like it would be completely one-sided right from the get go, but anyone who’s actually watched the show will tell you straight that retards get ridiculously far in the game of survivor, as they do in the game of LIFE.

 

 

Sit back in the comfort of your home and watch while the Genius tribe bickers endlessly about the nature of existence and personal identity and the necessity of constructing sea water to fresh water solar converters from coconut husks and palm fronds.

Meanwhile, back at Retard camp, nobody has fire or even a shelter that works, but the retards have discovered that if they bury each other in the sand every evening, they can stay warm and dry (sort of).

Laugh your ass off as the two tribes merge and the Retards band together, only to forget who it was they were supposed to vote for while the Geniuses out-think things so hectically that they crumble into self-doubt and paranoia and end up voting themselves off in a misguided attempt to take the moral high-ground and flat out refuse to play the game.

 

SURVIVOR: BLACKS VS WHITES

The most hotly contested and controversial of any Survivor series ever, Survivor: Blacks vs Whites sees racism taken to a whole other level as the gloves come off between African Americans and Caucasians.

Watch everything generations of liberals have fought for come crashing down as racial stereotypes are enforced in a desperate struggle for the million.

In keeping with human history,  on day one the Black tribe makes its way to it’s ghetto beach where a deluge of trash keeps washing up on their shores and homeless people come at night to steal their food, while the White tribe takes residence in their ocean-front colonial estate.

 

 

The Blacks win in the end though, because no matter how much the Whites scramble, they fail hopelessly at one challenge after the next and end up going to the merge with only two members left.

Realising they were being total jerks all along, the remaining Whites offer up their colonial beach-front property to the Blacks who accept it willingly and then vote the whites off anyway.

With no Whites left in the game, the Blacks make and break alliances so regularly that rioting breaks out at tribal councils, causing most of the tribal councils to be disbanded.

Eventually the season comes to a dramatic finale when two out of the final three turn up dead in the jungle, leaving only one person eligible for the million, which actually turns out to be just over $200 000 (the Whites ended up spending most of it on the general upkeep and maintenance of their beach-front property).

 

 

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is why I’ll never be allowed to produce a reality TV series.

Ever.

-ST


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