Archive for January, 2014

31
Jan
14

Friday LOLZ: Bumper-Edition Lolz to kick off 2014

tumblr_mwd4f6le2i1s5rsdao1_1280Friday just ain’t the same without some seriously whack Friday lolz from your Tiger pal. These ones are particularly strange / hilarious / deeply disturbing and have taken hours on interwebz trawling to find.

Some guys, they post hot women in bikinis, others post hot women out of bikinis, but me? I post the kind of content that would give any psychologist a very interesting read indeed.

Today’s Lolz feature everything from a very creepy guy drinking juice to what celebrities would like like if they were normal people to some awesome celebrity equations, so don’t be shy boys and girls, dig in!

Starting with this phenomenal gypsy wedding:

 

 

Then moving on to something that happens to me all too often.

 

 

A little ScoobydoobeeDOOOOOOOOOO!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Moving right along, here’s a fun video to shit your pants to.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And last, but not least…

 

 

Have a killer weekend party people!

-ST

30
Jan
14

Short Story: Dementia Pugilistica

flat,550x550,075,fI wrote this one back when I was doing that creative writing course at about this time last year. The assignment was to write a character in action and make him or her compelling enough to make the reader want to read more.

The big catch was you had to show and not tell who your character was through their actions and their surroundings. So I wrote this short piece and it’s one of the few that, reading back over it now, I still like.

That’s the problem with writing, you end up hating at least 90% of your own work, if not more, which makes it difficult to stay motivated.

But anyway, here’s the piece:

His bedside radio alarm jolted him awake, triggering a Pavlovian memory of smelling salts and the cloying taste of ammonia. His mouth agape in silent horror, he blinked hard, his watery blue eyes struggling to adjust to the morning light while he tried to make sense of his surroundings.

Familiar shapes slowly emerged from the fog. The floral curtains Miriam had so loved, the glass-framed poster of him and Jake “The Haymaker” Hagler above his dresser, his ratty red silk gown hanging behind the bedroom door under which he’d neatly laid his trusty brown stoukies.

His heart slowed. Home. He was home.

He lifted his duvet and swung his tree-trunk legs slowly from under the covers, planting them squarely on the creaking yellow wood floors. He rose slowly but steadily, his spine stooped under the weight of his meaty shoulders from which slab-thick arms hung, their swollen knuckles practically dragging on the floor as he lumbered toward the bathroom.

He ran the warm water tap and splashed his grey, grizzled face. His calloused hands scraped over the hard ridges of cuts opened and sewn shut countless times. He mopped his face with a towel and stared unflinchingly at the haphazard wreckage that stared back.

“Whadda mug,” he chuckled.

-ST

29
Jan
14

Wednesday Whack

Jamie LenmanThere is some whack shit out there yo. To a large extent I have to rely on you, my loyal readers, to share that whack shit with me because there is just way, way too much for one man to try and find alone.

So big up to Civilian who sent through the video I’m about to show you that could very well be the most schizophrenic performance I’ve ever seen in my time on this spinning rock in the middle of nowhere.

The first 1:43 is like having a jackhammer rammed into your ear by a hipster-looking fellow, but trust me, if you can tough it out, what follows is well worth it…

 

 

So flippin intense. From brutal thrash metal to chilled out swing laced with biting satire.

Ten points for originality.

Peew peew peew.

-ST

28
Jan
14

Walking Dead Superfan Pranks The Redneck Dude From The Show

ZombalombsI’ve mentioned it in posts before, but The Walking Dead has always been a little touch and go for me. It’s gotten worse now that I’ve had a kid because I swear, it’s turned me into a giant softie.

I dunno, human life just becomes so much more precious when you become a parent. Makes watching decomposed ghouls tearing people open in a senseless shower of gore difficult to watch.

So though J-Rab and I started watching season 4, we lost interest a little because at least 70% of the show is them trying to gross you out with shit that’s more disgusting than the last season.

This video is pretty cool though – a New Jersey teen who was born with only one arm and is a Walking Dead superfan gets turned into a seriously siff-looking zombie and gives “Daryl” from the show (Norman Reedus) the fright of his life.

Check it:

 

 

Classic! That must be the only time I’ve seen Daryl actually laugh.

I think they should give that kid a part in the show. He did a pretty killer job.

-ST

27
Jan
14

Escape Monday: Austria’s Stunning Mountainside Thermal Retreat

aquadomeresortaustria4The longer I look at the pictures you’re about to see of Austria’s Aqua Dome spa and retreat, the more I start believing that robbing the bank down the street might actually be a pretty good idea…

This place looks like some futuristic version of heaven built at the foothills of mountains so scenic, I swear if you look closely you can see Gandalf and his merry band of Hobbits marching through them.

I don’t think it’s humanly possible to go to this place and not leave feeling totally relaxed in every way. This massive retreat has 200 rooms as well as elevated bowl-shaped pools that feature underwater music and lights.

How flippin legit is that?!? Now if only some filthy-rich reader of this site would sponsor me, J-Rab and The Cub to go check it out, I could give you guys a first-hand account of how incredible it is… [insert winky face].

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If that doesn’t inspire to get off your ass and start making some serious money in 2014, I don’t think anything will.

So yeah. Back to work ya lazy bum!

-ST

23
Jan
14

Tiger Finds Gallery Of Pornstars Without Makeup. Falls Off His Chair.

Proxy PaigeI’m very late to the party on this one, so you are well within your rights to get up on your high horse and have a good ol’ trot around if you’ve already seen these images of pornstars with and without their makeup.

However if you also missed these when they were originally posted here, then what you’re about to see could very well change the way you view porn and pornstars for the rest of your natural life.

It was quite a revelation when I saw these pics because I’ve always wondered why these flawlessly beautiful girls with perfect bodies decide to get into porn in the first place.

Yeah, turns out they ain’t so “flawlessly beautiful” after all. I mean I know porn is all fake, but wow. These before and after pics could very easily be completely different people.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And the best of the bunch…

 

Crazy how they look like young girls before the makeup and end up looking like experienced woman once the transformation is complete (but I guess that’s kinda the point).

I was also shocked by how bad their skin is in some instances, but J-Rab pointed out that that’s probably because they have to put so much makeup on all the time.

So girls, the next time you catch your man mid-wank to some dodgey free porn site he’s found, show him this post to remind him of just how fake porn actually is.

If that doesn’t shatter his fantasies instantly, I don’t know what will…

-ST

22
Jan
14

More Bad British Sports Commentary!

Mother Goose!I love these videos. Remember the one I posted awhile back featuring bad baseball commentary? Well those same guys are back to commentate on NFL and the results are just as hilarious.

These guys need to pitch this idea to a (brave) TV network somewhere and offer to commentate on live American sports games. That might actually get guys like me interested in watching American sports, no lies.

The tricky part now is thinking up another 34 words to fill this intro copy so the post looks right. Now it’s 12! Doing well guys, doing well. Four to go… And… There it is.

Dig it:

 

 

Very flippin cool. Only question is where to from here? Ice hockey maybe? More a Canadian sport. Basketball?

Only time. Will tell.

-ST

21
Jan
14

The Tiger Gets His Paws On The Lumia 925, Reviews The Hell Out Of It

nokia-lumia-925-attI’ve had a lot of experience with the Nokia Lumia family. To date, I’ve reviewed the Lumia 800, 900, 920 and now the 925, so I’m becoming pretty well-versed when it comes to reviewing these phones.

However, for the sake of total transparency I need to say upfront that my experience using other smartphone handsets is limited as I’m not a fully qualified tech reviewer, just an average Joe who likes new technology.

So I can’t draw a comparison between this phone and others out there, but I can give an honest write-up of my experience using the phone so you can make an informed decision the next time you’re due for an upgrade.

So to kick things off, for this review all I’ll be focussing on are first impressions. In later reviews I’ll go more in-depth into the phone’s various features.

 

 

First Impressions

Straight off the bat, when I slipped the Lumia 925 out the box, I noticed a considerable size difference when compared to the 920.

The general trend with the higher-end Lumia phones so far seems to be based around making each phone bigger than the last. The 800 was a decent sized phone, but the bigger screen size of the 900 was undeniably sexier.

Then the 920 came out with an even bigger screen size, which was also cool, but it made the phone seriously hefty. Thing is, I enjoyed the experience of using the phone so much and was so impressed by it’s amazing image quality that I was willing to put up with its bulky feel.

 

 

The beauty of the Lumia 925 however is that it packs pretty much the same punch as the 920, but in a much, much smaller size.

The 925 is a whole 50g lighter (139g vs 185g) and it’s 0.2cm thinner (0.84cm vs 1.06cm), which makes an incredible difference it terms of the way the phone feels in your hand and the space it takes up in your pocket.

The screen size is identical in both phones though, as is the resolution (768 x 1280 pixels) and the pixel density (332) BUT a major differentiating factor is that the 925 has an AMOLED WXGA display as opposed to the IPS LCD display that the 920 was packing.

AMOLED displays offer a much larger colour gamut than IPS LCD displays, which makes images look more vibrant. AMOLED displays also have a wider viewing angle and are slightly easier on battery life so you’re winning on all fronts.

 

 

The other major difference looks-wise is that Nokia has opted to using aluminium for the edging that runs along the side of the phone which looks pretty damn sexy. The back is still polycarbonate, but with the 925 it’s done in a matt finish as opposed to the glossy finish the 920 had.

The camera has taken a bit of fire in some reviews because its placement means that your finger covers it when you’re holding the phone to talk, thus making it a magnet for fingerprints. Reviews have also lamented the fact that it’s slightly raised from the back of the phone, much like a welt on your bum after you’ve been shot with a paintball.

To be honest neither of these factors put a downer on my experience using this phone or its camera, but I can see how they might irritate highly strung users.

Like the other Lumia phones, the 925 has soft touch buttons for Back, Start and Search below the screen and hard touch (I just invented that term) buttons on the right-hand side for volume, power / lock and camera.

So far so good. At face value this is basically the 920, just slimmer and sexier. In the reviews to follow however, I’ll pop the hood on this bad boy and see how it really stacks up before I give my final verdict.

Stay tuned folks!

-ST

20
Jan
14

Escape Monday: The World In A Grain Of Sand

Dr.-Gary-Greenber-Microscopic-Sand-3bThey say God is in the details. But then they say the Devil is in the details as well, so I guess it depends on the situation. If we’re talking about feminine beauty, then God is definitely in the details.

If we’re talking about a medical aid contract though, then it’s the Devil fo sho. But anyway, the point is that the details are important one way or another, especially when you magnify things to 300 times their original size.

That’s what Dr Gary Greenberg did with a bunch of sand and the results he got are pretty phenomenal. These stunning pics show a universe of organic matter mixed amongst different kinds of rocks and minerals.

Proof that my main man William Blake was onto something when he wrote the line “To see the world in a grain of sand”.

Check it:

 

 

 

 

 

 

It’s pretty mind-blowing to think that that’s what you’d probably find in a typical pinch of beach sand. I don’t know if this makes me a fucking weirdo, but I want to eat some of that sand.

Looks like rock candy! Flippin’ yum!

If you’d like to read the aforementioned Blake poem, here it is in its entirety (it’s a longy, but definitely worth reading because Blake is the best poet that ever lived):

 

Augeries of Innocence

To see a world in a grain of sand
And a heaven in a wild flower,
Hold infinity in the palm of your hand,
And eternity in an hour.

A robin redbreast in a cage
Puts all heaven in a rage.

A dove-house fill’d with doves and pigeons
Shudders hell thro’ all its regions.
A dog starv’d at his master’s gate
Predicts the ruin of the state.

A horse misused upon the road
Calls to heaven for human blood.
Each outcry of the hunted hare
A fibre from the brain does tear.

A skylark wounded in the wing,
A cherubim does cease to sing.
The game-cock clipt and arm’d for fight
Does the rising sun affright.

Every wolf’s and lion’s howl
Raises from hell a human soul.

The wild deer, wand’ring here and there,
Keeps the human soul from care.
The lamb misus’d breeds public strife,
And yet forgives the butcher’s knife.

The bat that flits at close of eve
Has left the brain that won’t believe.
The owl that calls upon the night
Speaks the unbeliever’s fright.

He who shall hurt the little wren
Shall never be belov’d by men.
He who the ox to wrath has mov’d
Shall never be by woman lov’d.

The wanton boy that kills the fly
Shall feel the spider’s enmity.
He who torments the chafer’s sprite
Weaves a bower in endless night.

The caterpillar on the leaf
Repeats to thee thy mother’s grief.
Kill not the moth nor butterfly,
For the last judgement draweth nigh.

He who shall train the horse to war
Shall never pass the polar bar.
The beggar’s dog and widow’s cat,
Feed them and thou wilt grow fat.

The gnat that sings his summer’s song
Poison gets from slander’s tongue.
The poison of the snake and newt
Is the sweat of envy’s foot.

The poison of the honey bee
Is the artist’s jealousy.

The prince’s robes and beggar’s rags
Are toadstools on the miser’s bags.
A truth that’s told with bad intent
Beats all the lies you can invent.

It is right it should be so;
Man was made for joy and woe;
And when this we rightly know,
Thro’ the world we safely go.

Joy and woe are woven fine,
A clothing for the soul divine.
Under every grief and pine
Runs a joy with silken twine.

The babe is more than swaddling bands;
Throughout all these human lands;
Tools were made and born were hands,
Every farmer understands.
Every tear from every eye
Becomes a babe in eternity;

This is caught by females bright,
And return’d to its own delight.
The bleat, the bark, bellow, and roar,
Are waves that beat on heaven’s shore.

The babe that weeps the rod beneath
Writes revenge in realms of death.
The beggar’s rags, fluttering in air,
Does to rags the heavens tear.

The soldier, arm’d with sword and gun,
Palsied strikes the summer’s sun.
The poor man’s farthing is worth more
Than all the gold on Afric’s shore.

One mite wrung from the lab’rer’s hands
Shall buy and sell the miser’s lands;
Or, if protected from on high,
Does that whole nation sell and buy.

He who mocks the infant’s faith
Shall be mock’d in age and death.
He who shall teach the child to doubt
The rotting grave shall ne’er get out.

He who respects the infant’s faith
Triumphs over hell and death.
The child’s toys and the old man’s reasons
Are the fruits of the two seasons.

The questioner, who sits so sly,
Shall never know how to reply.
He who replies to words of doubt
Doth put the light of knowledge out.

The strongest poison ever known
Came from Caesar’s laurel crown.
Nought can deform the human race
Like to the armour’s iron brace.

When gold and gems adorn the plow,
To peaceful arts shall envy bow.
A riddle, or the cricket’s cry,
Is to doubt a fit reply.

The emmet’s inch and eagle’s mile
Make lame philosophy to smile.
He who doubts from what he sees
Will ne’er believe, do what you please.

If the sun and moon should doubt,
They’d immediately go out.
To be in a passion you good may do,
But no good if a passion is in you.

The whore and gambler, by the state
Licensed, build that nation’s fate.
The harlot’s cry from street to street
Shall weave old England’s winding-sheet.

The winner’s shout, the loser’s curse,
Dance before dead England’s hearse.

Every night and every morn
Some to misery are born,
Every morn and every night
Some are born to sweet delight.

Some are born to sweet delight,
Some are born to endless night.

We are led to believe a lie
When we see not thro’ the eye,
Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
When the soul slept in beams of light.

God appears, and God is light,
To those poor souls who dwell in night;
But does a human form display
To those who dwell in realms of day.

My man Winking smile

-ST

17
Jan
14

My Kinda Beer Ad

DomesticThere is a time and a place for craft beer and that time is payday and that place is my face. For the rest of the month it’s zamalek, rubbing alcohol and glue.

I think it’s a generational thing. Back in the 90s when we were impressionable teenagers, grunge was in fashion and things were pretty dingy and grimy. The big drug at the time was heroin which says it all.

Guys used to get wasted in any way humanly (and inhumanly) possible from huffing butane to swallowing entire blister packs of Thins, anything that got the job done was fair game.

Nowadays EVERYTHING YOU DO is broadcast across the internet through social media. It’s almost impossible to get away with anything and as a consequence people are a lot more aware of their behaviour and the kids strive toward a much cleaner, more manicured, more self-conscious self image than we did.

All of a sudden the brands you wear and the products you consume are vastly important. If you don’t have a 10 minute story to rationalise your choice in beer, you better invent one because this somehow adds depth to your character.

Or you could just lock yourself in your mate’s flat and get fucked up like the guys in this video.

 

 

Have a killer weekend Party People Winking smile

See ya’ll same time same place.

-ST