Archive for September, 2013


Escape Monday: Jaw-Dropping Landscape Photography

Lukas-Farlan-Photography-14-640x425It’s so funny that of all the things I’ve started on this site, all the features and crazy shit I’ve tried to keep up, the two posts that just keep on giving are “Escape Mondays” and “Friday LOLZ”.

They’ve probably endured for so long because hardly any effort is required from my side to bang these puppies out, but I like to think they still add some kind of value to you guys, my loyal readers.

What you’re about to see are a whole bunch of photos from Lukas Farlan who, believe it or not, is a flippin student living in Italy who has an incredible eye for landscape photography.

Here are some examples of his stuff:


























Now back to the grind ya lazy bum Winking smile



Friday LOLZ – Sleep Deprived Edition 2

insomnia-strugglesThere are bad nights, there are worse nights and there are nights when you have a newborn baby that cries off and on from the moment you get home until 3am.

You think you’ve handled stressful situations? Wait until you got kids (if you don’t already) and they don’t stop crying and you have no idea why. Nothing drains your energy like a screaming baby, swear to God. Nothing.

So forgive me if the “LOLZ” I’ve tracked down this week are kinda out there. If it makes me seem a little less weird, these make a lot more sense if you watch Breaking Bad, play GTA V and KLAP GYM BOET!






















That’s all for this week folks, but tune in again next week for more Tiger good time interweb shenanigans.

Have an A1 day!



iOS7 “Waterproof” Prank Is Hilarious

49674Dunce_CapSay what you like about hackers and people who hang out on “deep web” junkyards like 4chan, but they are nothing if not industrious when it comes to giving the middle finger to the man.

A perfect example of this is the recent “iOS7 Waterproof” scam that people actually believed was true. Basically, a group of pranksters on 4chan put together some very convincing Apple ads saying iOS7 makes your device waterproof.

Looking at the ads the guys put together, I gotta hand it to them, they really went out of their way to make it look legit and predictably, retards the world over have been dunking their iDevices in water with pretty dismal results. Here’s the ad:



How hilarious is that?! I mean c’mon, “smart formalities”? “Thermodistribution”? How dof do you have to be to think that this is actually legit?

My take on stuff like this is simple – if you’re dumb enough to believe something like this, it’s better that you don’t handle devices like smartphones that can potentially ruin your life and the life of others if say you posted what was meant to be a private chat onto a public forum.

So yeah, I dig Project Mayhemmy stuff like this. Next assignment is to pick a fight with a total stranger.

You’d be surprised the lengths people will go to to avoid a fight Winking smile



Brilliant Amstel Ad Sets The Bar For SA Advertising

Amstel adI’m probably a bit late to the party on this one because I don’t watch TV at all, so I have no idea how much this ad’s been flighting on local TV stations or for how long, not that I give a shit.

What I do give a shit about is how powerful this two minute and eleven second piece of communication is. As an aspiring scriptwriter, when I see work like this it leaves me with my jaw on the floor.

Everything about this ad from the carefully scripted voice over to the song that plays to their choice of shots to the acting and exceptional editing is damn near perfect.

I judge ads on whether they stay true to the brands they are advertising, whether they communicate their central message or idea effectively and in a novel way and whether I feel an emotional connection with the ad.

This ad does all three and it does them in style. At this stage what I should be doing is finding out which agency is responsible for this ad and commending them on a job well done, but I’m snowed up to my eyeballs at the moment so hopefully someone out there watching this can let me know in the comments section who did this.

Here it is:



How this ad only has 253k views currently on YouTube is beyond me. I’ve seen total piece-of-shit ads rack up 500k+ views in much less time.

If you liked that ad, share it with everyone you can, both here and overseas.

People need to know that this country is capable of producing work of this quality.



Escape Monday: Bees Are Motherflippin Awesome

USGSMacroBees1Most insects I think of as being pretty siff, these weird creepy crawly alien-looking things that bite us, crawl on us while we sleep, burrow into our ears and lay eggs in our brains and stuff.

You ever hear of that Rasta guy in Soweto who decided to cut his dreads off one day, but when the barber lifted them to chop them off, the Rasta guy felt this sharp pain all over his scalp and was like “EINA, STOP”?

They found him dead a day later (the Rasta guy). The reason? Giant nest of spiders living in  his hair that bit the shit out of him when the barber lifted the dreads to cut them off.

So yeah, anyway, bees aren’t siff like that, they are not monsters. They are actually crucial to the survival of every plant species on the face of the planet. Take bees out of the equation and not only is there no more delicious honey for us to eat, but we also all die.

So here are some super close-up pics of bees in celebration of how motherflippin awesome they are.














Good news is if this post hasn’t helped you escape Monday, tomorrow’s a public holiday so you got nuthin’ to worry about.

In fact, why are we even here right now?!

So should have taken leave today…



Coin Is The Best Way To Kill A Few Minutes On A Rainy Thursday

CoinAs you guys may or may not have noticed on the site recently, I’ve been putting a lot of effort into the posts I’ve been writing, really in-depth shit to try and make up for all the radio silence.

I know you guys have appreciated the shit out of that shit and it felt good to flex a bit of writing muscle on the site again, but today I really just need to bang one out quickly and that’s where Coin comes in.

This short animated video somehow manages to squash EVERYTHING that is awesome about old-school beat ‘em ups into three and a half minutes of shit kickin’ good times.

If this were an actual game it would be the most awesome and impossible game of all time.

Check it:



Feeling better about your day? Yep, me too Winking smile

Later yo.



Album Review – Arctic Monkeys: AM

Arctic-Monkeys-AMThe Down Lizzo:

This is normally the part of my reviews where I give some background and context of who and what the band I’m reviewing is.

I feel like a bit of an idiot in this instance though because are you seriously telling me you don’t know who the Arctic Monkeys are?

Who are you man?! Seriously, what the fuck are you doing on this site? You take a wrong turn on the way to 2OceansVibe? Get out from under that rock man! Christ, you’re missing all the good stuff!

Now that that’s sorted, let’s get into the meat and bones of this album, shall we?

Those of us who are familiar with the Arctic Monkeys will also be familiar with the fact that this band is incapable of releasing a dud album.

Don’t take my word for it though, read this article which says that the band have made Official UK Album Chart history as the only indie-released act to release five consecutive albums at Number One on the UK Albums Chart.



More impressive than that however is the musical journey that this band has gone through. Few bands come to mind that are as doggedly determined to surge forward in terms of the evolution of their sound as the Arctic Monkeys.

As I’ve noted in previous reviews, they could have comfortably continued releasing borderline bubblegum-pop indie albums like their first two, started loping off into the sunset around album number five and disappeared from the music altogether and that would have been just fine.

Instead they pretty much overhauled their entire sound with their 3rd album, the Josh Homme (Queens Of The Stone Age) produced Humbug in 2009. Overnight they changed from sarcastic indie kids to dark, brooding desert rockers, a change that lost them a big portion of their original fanbase and lead to a lot of people saying Josh Homme had “ruined” the Arctic Monkeys.



I love Humbug, but even I’ll admit that Homme’s influence was a bit too strong on that album. He has a way of seeping into every project he’s involved in and leaving an unmistakeable mark on everything he touches.

In contrast, 2011’s Suck It And See felt like the band was trying to reconcile who they’d become with who they were. The results were a record that showed a lot of promise – lighter in tone than Humbug, it still had some pretty psychedelic moments and saw the band letting rip with a couple of monster, 70s era riffs in tracks like “Brick By Brick” and “Don’t Look Down Cause I’ve Moved Your Chair”.

It’s that direction that the Arctic Monkeys have explored fully on AM and in doing so have found a sound that, while it borrows heavily on 70s rock is still so distinctly theirs that it’s no wonder the new album is topping charts the world over.



Sick Tracks

It starts slow, deliberate, hand-clapping, bass drum thumping beats, there is space, fucking football fields of the stuff, they let it breathe, they are in absolutely no rush to blow your fucking mind. That’s “Do I Wanna Know?”

And sure, why not drop everything except the bass, drums and vocals for half of the second verse? It fucking works because Alex Turner is one of the best crooners in rock music today – fact.

“So have you got the guts? / Been wondering if your heart’s still open and if so I wanna know what time it shuts / Simmer down and pucker up / I’m sorry to interrupt it’s just I’m constantly on the cusp of trying to kiss you…”



From there they land “R U Mine?” like a fucking sucker-punch right to the teeth. Matt Helders lands drum beats and fills like H-bombs, Jamie Cook and Turner wield their axes with brutal precision and don’t get me started Nick O’Malley’s menacing bass guitar, it’ll give you goosebumps brother. It’ll haunt you in your favourite worst nightmares.

But again, that fucking space, galaxies of it. So much room in the track, they don’t give a fuck about trying hard, they aren’t out there to ram 160bpm monstrosities down your throat. They play the right notes at the right times. It’s simple and it fucking works.

But it’s when the song reaches the 2:30 mark that it finally hits home that Turner and pals aren’t here to fuck around. Everything cuts out except Turner’s vocals. Everything. How many rock bands are doing that in the second fucking track on the album?! NONE of them have the fucking stones to even think it, let alone make it so.



The payoff when the band drops back in is so goddamn beautiful it’ll leave you grinning from ear to ear, nodding your head, tapping your feet and saying “Fuck yeah…”

“One For The Road” (one of two tracks that the band collaborates with Josh Homme on) creeps, slinks and haunts at every bend. The subtle guitar-picking melody in the second verse will come back to you the next time you’re out late, headlights burning through the darkness, nothing but broken thoughts for company.

Then there’s “Arabella”, sexy as hell, everything beautiful and dangerous in the world rolled tightly into a  psychedelic ballad, brought to life by Turner’s exceptionally fucking brilliant lyrics.

“My days end best when the sunset gets itself behind / That little lady sitting in the passenger side / It’s much less picturesque without her catching the light / The horizon tries but it’s just not as kind on the eyes.”



“I Want It All” is a track The Black Keys wish they’d written. Turner trades his baritone for a falsetto and knocks it out the fucking park. The solo in this song rips through the ether like a comet, leaving a trail of fiery debris streaked across the night sky.

They innovate with “Fireside”, they trip out on “Why’d You Only Call Me When You’re High?”, they throw a piano into “Snap Out Of It” for an instant timeless classic rock song with a hundred times more swag than the legal limit and they tie it all back together with the slow, sultry “I Wanna Be Yours” – a perfect closer to an album that is like nothing you will hear this year, or the year after that, or the year after that.

Should You Give A Shit?

For the love of all that is holy, buy this album. It’s the OK Computer of the ‘10s.

Here’s “I Want It All”:



Final Verdict: 9/10



The “Inverted Commas” “Post”

online-grammar-nazi_1360826800_epiclolcomI hate the term “Grammar Nazi”. For me, it conjures images of skeletal people shuffling around in rags, eating gruel and being worked to death for incorrectly using a semi-colon.

I prefer “Grammar Enthusiast” as I feel it brings to mind a far more positive image of a kind, nurturing soul who tries to introduce some quality control when it comes to using this clever human invention we call “language”.

I do this because the way people speak and write is deteriorating to the point where it almost feels like they have a personal vendetta against language and have decided to butcher it mercilessly in a misguided cut-off-the-nose-to-spite-the-face attempt at revenge.



What the hell did language ever do to you besides arrange your entire reality into a (sort of) workable, universally communicable medium designed to make your life easier?

Why, for the love of sweet baby Jesus, would you want to butcher the very thing that makes you you? Words are all we have – our very personal identity is tied inextricably to them and always will be, so surely it’s in all our best interests NOT to use them like free condoms your flatmate stole from the AIDS clinic?



A case in point is the rampant use of inverted commas that I’ve noticed cropping up recently in everything from work emails to Facebook posts.

For the unenlightened, let me explain this very carefully. Inverted commas are only ever used in the following three ways:

1. To report speech. Ie. “My head is stuck in the elevator door,” said John.
2. To indicate the title of something Ie. “Stairway To Heaven” is a great song to play when you’re high on mushrooms in a meadow.
3. To imply that something is not what it seems, to indicate scepticism. Ie. Tom and Sally’s unwavering “work ethic” was attributed less to the fact that they were being truly diligent in their professional lives and more to the fact that they were staying after work to fuck on the boardroom table.

It’s the third use of the inverted comma that inspired this post because when you write “everything” you say in “inverted commas” you are implying that what you’re “saying” isn’t actually to be taken at “face value”.



I received an email from someone the other day who used inverted commas no less than 12 times in one fucking email!

This had the immediate effect of making me seriously doubt this person’s sanity because he was effectively implying that I should not believe one fucking word he was saying.

I know you think you’re being clever by using inverted commas like they’re toothpicks at an all-you-can eat biltong buffet, but this needs to please stop before I seriously lose my shit here.

Here’s a case in point from someone I received an email from a few months back who, for the sake of my career, will remain nameless.

I am not sure whether you have "spokespeople" for any of these activities? I do maintain that it will be easier booking interviews, anywhere for that matter, if you have a "celebrity" in the field you’re chatting about it. It makes for a more relatable "connection" to the topic matter.

Firstly, who the hell speaks like this?! “I do maintain”, “a more relatable ‘connection’ to the topic matter” – what is this? An email or a polo match at the country club?!



Also, note the use of inverted commas in that paragraph to imply that I am hopelessly retarded.

It’s like he’s explaining the totally alien concepts of spokespeople, celebrities and connections to me the way you might explain sex to a six year-old.

“Well, you see, the man gets a very ‘happy feeling’ in his ‘penis’ which leads to him getting ‘an erection’. At the same time the woman gets a very ‘happy feeling’ in her ‘vagina’ which leads to…” you get the idea.

I think the golden rule here should be, if you’re thinking about using inverted commas to be clever, don’t.

Rather start a blog and take pot shots at people you don’t think know how to use grammar properly in an effort to make people think you’re “cool”.

THAT’S clever Winking smile

Grammar Enthusiast out.



Escape Monday: 8 Places You’d Probably Rather Be Right Now

tumblr_m72o9frqVT1r47stto1_500One of my favourite pastimes is day-dreaming about what I’d do if I won the lottery. Wouldn’t that be fucking cool, winning the lottery? Let’s say you won R500 million, what would be the first thing you’d do?

First thing I’d do is settle all my debt in one afternoon, everything I owe taken care of in one shot, BAM. Then I’d buy a nice piece of property somewhere in Cape Town with the most epic garden you’ve ever seen.

Before we had The Cub, the next order of business was always travelling. Pack a backpack, Google “most beautiful places on Earth” and buy a plane ticket that same day.

What kind of places would I visit? Glad you asked – check out these 6 spots that are insanely beautiful, they’ll give you a good idea of where I’d start.

1. Wisteria Tunnel

Wisteria Tunnel is located at the Kawachi Fuji Gardens in Kitakyushu, Japan. Flowering trees hang overhead and the different coloured rows speckle the garden.

It is rumoured to smell exactly like heaven.


2. Blue Lagoon Hot Springs

The Blue Lagoon hot springs in Iceland are man-made bodies of water, but the springs are heated naturally with the volcanic activity on the island. The springs are especially beautiful in the snowy winter because they stay at perfect bath water temperature despite the heavy snowfall.


3. The Cinque Terre

The Cinque Terre is part of the coast in the Liguria region of Italy. The terraces built on the rugged landscape are a popular tourist attraction.




4. Hotel La Montaña Mágica

Magic Mountain hotel is exactly what you think it is. It’s a hotel shaped like a mountain that spews water from the top. It’s located in Huilo Huilo, a private Natural Reserve in the Los Rios region of Chile.

It’s basically like Lord Of The Rings made real – in other words a favourite tourist destination of stoners the world over.




5. Tunnel Of Love

Giant trees surround this old train tunnel located in Kleven, Ukraine. The magical-looking place is nicknamed “The Tunnel Of Love” by locals because it is a popular spot for couples to visit… and probably bone.




6. Plitvice Lakes National Park

Plitvice Lakes National Park is the oldest national park in Southeast Europe and the largest park in Croatia. The park is filled with luscious green scenery, beautiful lagoons, and amazing waterfalls.



Tiger out.



One Month

image45sA lot can change in a month. Hell, a lot can change in an hour, a minute, a second.

Sometimes it’s hard to gauge the extent of that change when you’re in the moment. It’s like we have this built in anti-panic mechanism that kicks into overdrive when things are getting crazy and allows us to honestly believe that everything is ok when all hell is breaking loose.

It was like that in theatre. They wheel you into this sterile space where your life is about to change forever, laughing and joking like you’re going for a Sunday stroll and you play along because a Sunday stroll is a shitload less terrifying than what’s about to happen.

I remember how J-Rab looked in the hospital gown they gave her. I remember the expression on her face, the way she was trying to be so brave, the needle on the gauge of her panic mechanism revving well into the red. I held her hand throughout, amazing how a simple gesture of comfort like that can mean so much.

I remember her hand, her fingers intertwined in mine, perfect in their femininity. Palm to palm our hands match up perfectly, my fingers only slightly longer than hers, a symmetry that feels so right when we connect like that, palm to palm.

She had to sit hunched over on the bed for them to get the needle in. She kept her head down throughout but didn’t let go of my hand. I stroked her cheek and I told her over and over "It’s ok babe, it’s ok".

Things moved fast once it was in. They put the screen up and I a sat right by her, got into character, got ready for the performance of my life Рthe supportive fianc̩, calm and unflinching.

Was I scared? No, I was riding high on a wave of excitement, my confidence in the doctors and nurses was unshakeable. "It’s going to be fine," I told myself, "because they do this all the time."

And it was exactly then that things started to go wrong.

"I don’t feel right," J-Rab said, "I feel like I’m going to faint."

She was whiter than the sheet she was lying on, her lips a bluish grey colour as she turned wide-eyed to the anaesthetist. "I think I’m going to be sick," she said.

"Just breath babe, deep breaths, deep breaths," I said, but my mind was a riot of thoughts screaming and stampeding over one another. What if something was wrong? What if they’d gotten the dose wrong? Put the needle in the wrong place? What if she was having an allergic reaction to the anaesthetic? What if…

“Her blood pressure’s low,” one of the nurses said. The anaesthetist responded by injecting a glass vial of something clear into J-Rab’s drip.

“Is this normal?” I asked.

“Yes, it happens often, it should go back to normal now,” the  anaesthetist replied.

I squeezed J-Rab’s hand, “Hang in there babe.” I wore my bravest face, spoke in calm, steady tones, but inside I was terrified.

She shut her eyes and breathed deep while the doctors on the other side of the screen worked as fast as they could.

“Can you feel this love?” one of them asked.

“I feel pressure.”

“Is it sore?”

“…No,” J-Rab replied, and they started cutting.

Colour slowly started flowing back into her face. She was still pale, wide-eyed, but her blood pressure was slowly balancing out.

“It feels so weird,” she said.

“Is it sore?” I asked.

“No, but I can feel it.”

“Nearly there gorgeous,” I said.

Some time passed after I said that, it could have been 30 seconds, it could have been 3. I remember her eyes, like mountain pools her mom always says. I remember how vulnerable, how beautiful she looked and I remember thinking how proud I was of her.

The next thing I remember was the doctors telling me to get the camera ready.

I’d decided beforehand not to look over the screen because I was worried I’d faint at the site of J-Rab cut wide open like that. I was no use to anyone passed out stone cold on the operating theatre floor.

But when they said told me to get the camera ready, some other instinct took over, I stood up and looked over the screen.

I saw everything, the clamps, the bloodied instruments, and surgical swabs, the red mess they’d made of J-Rab, but it didn’t gross me out, I didn’t feel like I was going to faint dead on the spot because in the midst of everything, I saw something else.

I saw my daughter.

She was being pulled out, covered in greyish vernix and wet with amniotic fluid. I took pictures of it all, her first few moments of life outside the womb, and captured the moment they held her over the screen so that J-Rab could touch her for the first time.

J-Rab reached out, took our little girl’s tiny hand in hers, a simple gesture of comfort.

Today our little Cub is one month old. We’ve watched her change so much in this short space of time I can hardly believe that tiny, naked Gollum-like creature that I watched them pull out of J-Rab a month ago is the perfect little angel I come home to everyday.

When people ask me what it’s been like it’s almost impossible to say, but the same line from the Wallflowers’ song “One Headlight” echoes somewhere in my mind every time.

“I ain’t changed, but I know I ain’t the same…”

Everything can change in a month, we’re playing for keeps now, the stakes have never been higher but all fluffy sentiment aside, it’s been the best month of my life.



Here’s to many, many more Winking smile