Archive for October, 2011

31
Oct
11

Warning: Very, Very, Very Funny Shit

jonlajoieIt’s always a gamble posting shit on your site that you have a sinking feeling EVERYONE’S already seen, but when said shit makes you cry you’re laughing so hard, you take that risk, especially on a Monday when your readers need a good laugh.

So forgive me if you’ve already heard of my new buddy Jon La Joie, but his videos are fucking brilliant! I’m gonna ease you guys into this with two of his music videos (one of which has had over 47 MILLION views, what a legend!) and then an infomercial so funny it made my balls hurt.

 

 

28
Oct
11

Pappas Got A Brand New Tang

Tomato badge artworkI had this buddy way back who was a serious doff ou, in fact, that’s what we used to call him – doffo.

Anyway, doffo made it his mission to create the HOTTEST chilli sauce known to man and, having tasted it, I can honestly say that he achieved that mission and the results nearly killed me.

Nandos, being the clever ous they are, realise there are millions of people like me who don’t like sauce so hot is can strip paint.

Which is why they’ve decided to drop it like it’s not-hot by introducing a new flavour of rad – Tangy Tomato.

27
Oct
11

Kings Of Leon Melt Faces In Cape Town

26102011430“If it bleeds, it leads,” is generally accepted as the first rule of journalism, which is why I should have been sceptical right from the outset when I heard that Kings Of Leon were cocky, arrogant arseholes who were known to give the middle finger to crowds who don’t hang onto every note the band plays.

Their performance last night in Cape Town was anything but cocky and arrogant, which proves that either the rumours were a load of utter shite, or the band were suitably impressed by their reception last night when they took to the stage and melted our faces off.

26
Oct
11

SlickTigers Movie Debut

IMG01469-20110813-0434A couple weeks back I posted this super cryptic post about the barbaric practise of “bear baiting” which used to take place in London in the 16th and 17th centuries in a place called the Beargarden.

Well, this Saturday we’re bringing the Beargarden back in the form of a short horror movie featuring your buddy ol’ pal Slicky-T.

So what I’m gonna do is show you the trailer for said horror movie.

But before you get all tetchy, lemme diffuse that little time-bomb by saying YES, I realise I’m basically not in the trailer at all, but I assure you I am in the actual movie.

25
Oct
11

That Intangible Moment…

BonIver_11394When you’re holding onto each note so hard, the knuckles of your soul are white.

And every reckless thing inside you is tearing in a different direction and every direction feels like a place you’re been waiting your whole life to find.

The song he’s strumming hums in your bones, stirring something that you’ve let sleep for too long and you don’t have to look at the people around you to know they’re waking up too.

It’s a song so familiar it lost its meaning a lifetime ago, but the way he plays it tonight, raw and unrepentant, naked and without shame, is so real it makes the life you thought you knew a lie.

24
Oct
11

The Muizenberg Kite Festival: Average

128947679338947406Not too sure what I expected to find when we drove through to the kite festival happening in Muizenberg last weekend, but I guess a lot of kites would definitely have been at the top of my list.

Instead, what we found were a lot of people milling around who seemed a lot more interested in queuing for caravan food than they were in watching kites fly.

And who can blame them? After the age of 7, kites are kinda meh. You watch them zipping around in the sky and you think “that’s nice” and you carry on with your life.

21
Oct
11

The Fatimah Post!

WXW_5696So I work with this little badass called Fatimah and guys, this is going to blow your fucking mind, but it’s her birthday today!

Too fucking crazy hey?!? Feels like just the other day we were all celebrating Fatimah’s sweet sixteen, sippin’ on a Creme Soda and rocking out to the Backstreet Boys, and now here we are, ten years later, raging alcoholics listening to Katy Perry.

I’m sorry. I don’t really know where that last sentence came from. Or this post really. All I know is that Fati said if I dedicated this to her she’d pay me double the going rate of R2500 that I usually charge for posts.

20
Oct
11

Human Centipede 2 trailer. Yuk.

Human-Centipede-2-04So get this.

Tom Six, the writer and director of what is widely regarded as one of the worst films ever made, The Human Centipede, has decide to shit out a sequel, The Human Centipede Part 2 (Full Sequence).

The premise in the first one is the kind of thing you hear murmured on the internet but never expect to actually get made.

A surgeon who specialises in separating Siamese Twins goes batshit crazy and decides to surgically attach three people ass-to-mouth to create, well, a human centipede.

The idea is unthinkably disgusting, but the execution was surprisingly tame considering how bad he could have made it. Not so with Full Sequence which, if early reviews are to be trusted, is brutal.

19
Oct
11

A Post For J-Rab

In another life, we caught moths together late one summer afternoon. The light slanted through the giant windows of the old manse I used to live in, catching tiny dust particles and turning them silver and gold, a haphazard universe only her and I could see.

She had this big glass jar with acetone-soaked cotton balls in it and every time we caught a moth, we’d carefully usher it into the jar and screw the lid back on. She’d put on a brave smile and try to ignore the muted tapping of the moths against the glass, but I could see it was getting to her.

18
Oct
11

Series Review: Sons Of Anarchy

Sons-Of-Anarchy“So what did you get up to last night dude?” Barbarian asked me around Saturday lunchtime.

“Not much man,” I replied, “just got drunk with J-Rab and watched Sons Of Anarchy.”

“What the hell is Sons Of Anarchy?”

“It’s a badass biker series we’ve gotten into recently, there are four seasons so far, the fourth one just started, I should give it to you, you’ll dig it.”

“I dunno man, bikers are a bit lame…”

“Huh. Yeah. I guess they are a bit lame…” I replied, because let’s face it, Barbarian had a point.