Archive for February, 2012

17
Feb
12

SlickTiger Wins At Twitter, Gets Emotional

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , ,

mindblownThose of you who follow me on Twitter will know this already, but for the rest of you, you might want to sit down because what I’m about to tell you WILL BLOW YOUR MIND!

For decades people have speculated that if anyone had to pass 999 followers on Twitter, it might cause a similar scenario that was predicted when the year 2000 approached ie. a complete technological meltdown.

Well, I am simultaneously proud and relieved to tell you that as of 18h16 yesterday (UTC/GMT +2) I reached exactly 1000 followers on Twitter and from what I can tell, technology everywhere is FINE.

By my estimate, I now have the most Twitter followers of anyone in the world.

Not even big name celebrities like Tina Yothers (“Family Ties”, 340 followers), Andrew Rubin (“Police Academy” 479 followers) or Rodney Dangerfield (“Rusty: A Dog’s Tale”, dead) can boast as many followers as ME, your Tiger pal.

 

 

But at the same time, reaching this new high in online super-stardom has made me pause, become emotional and think really hard about the people who follow me.

Who are you?

Who are you people and why are you following me?

Do you think I have all the answers? That because I’ve reached the absolute pinnacle of online influence and success that I’m some kind of messiah? Some kind of prophet put on earth to guide you, protect you and give your life meaning and direction?

 

 

I didn’t ever think I could be a person like that. But winning at Twitter has changed me in ways I don’t even know yet. So yeah, all I want to say is that if you want to I dunno, make some kind of religion out of me or something, I’m ok with that.

But if you don’t mind just holding back until I’m back from Thailand (remember that prize I won? Turns out it was for anywhere in the world so yeah, we’re leaving for Thailand on Monday, wa-hoo!), that would be great.

 

 

I mean sure, work a bit on the basic principles of the religion (there is plenty of material on the site to help you with this) and maybe sketch out a few ground rules, but please don’t get into the part where you hand over vast amounts of money / material possessions / your firstborn until I’m back, ok?

Ok. Great. I’m glad we had this chat.

See you crazy cats when I’m back yo!

Amen.

-ST

16
Feb
12

Ellen’s Little Monsters

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Killer Posts, Radass Videos and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

913140-sophie-grace-brownleeAs amazingly entertaining, arbitrary and awesome as the internet is, there’s also a darker, far more sordid side to it.

Yes, you guessed it. I’m referring to the “cute factor” that turns distinctly average content into a powerful internet supervirus because we live in a sibling society where people dwell in the perpetual twilight of their childhood years, refusing point blank to grow the fuck up.

It’s Neverland, and it’s populated with sickeningly adorable characters that people LOVE simply because they evoke that “aaaawwwwww, cuuuuuuuuuttte” reaction that defies all rational logic.

Case in point – Sophia Grace Brownlee and her hilariously useless sidekick cousin.

For those of you who don’t know these two distinctly mediocre, irritating little girls, let me enlighten you.

It all began back in September last year when this video hit the internet. Brace yourselves, the content I’m about to show you WILL instantly trigger your gag reflex.

 

 

Yeah. Pour yourself a whisky now, because it only gets worse.

So mom films her kid and goofy sidekick singing a distinctly average version of an irritating pop song which, let’s be honest, isn’t the first time in history that’s ever been done.

The difference is that is years past, recordings like that would be relegated to the VHS drawer under the TV and not surface again until the “performer’s” 21st birthday where she would die of embarrassment the second the play button was pressed.

Instead, this video exploded in such a huge way on the internet that it has had no less than 31 MILLION views to date!

So great. Well done to everyone involved. Excellent work guys. Let’s just get on with our lives shall we?

No. We shall not. Enter Ellen Degenerate who, credit where it’s due, is one smart lesbian. She latches onto these talentless little chavs like a goddamn barnacle and exactly one month after the video appears on YouTube, this happens:

 

 

People lose their minds. They think these two girls are the most adorable, cheeky, loveable, talented, and all round SUPERCUTEST things they have ever seen and Ellen’s eyes turn into gigantic green dollar signs as a world of possibilities opens up to her.

One month after that performance on her show, she gets them all tarted up to the max and plants them squarely on the red carpet at the American Music Awards.

What. The. Actual. Fuck.

 

 

So now not only do celebs have to put up with the paparazzi swarming them like locusts on the red carpet, but they also have two (let’s be honest, one) hysterical, screaming pink girls to deal with.

I love the cousin though. “We are so excited to be here, aren’t we Rosie?” “Whatever. I can’t believe you dragged me into this again…”

And the thing is, unlike the other members of the press, you have to be nice to the cute little girls or you WILL be crucified on the spot and left desperately trying to douse the flames of your near-unsalvageable career.

Something else that’s interesting to note on that last clip is how exponentially precocious the little scamps are becoming – a sure sign that they are being spoilt ROTTEN which any child psychologist will tell you is a great way to raise kids.

But whatever right? Who cares? I saw those videos last year, shrugged it off as people being pathetic and had another whisky.

BUT, in a furious bout of trawling the interwebs yesterday what do I find? ANOTHER fucking video of these two on the red carpet of ANOTHER awards ceremony.

Only this time it’s the Grammys and as you can tell from both the girls and the celebs themselves, everyone’s starting to get a little tired of this sparkly pink dog and pony show.

 

 

I love the way all the celebs address Ellen in a thinly disguised “seriously, enough with this shit now” tone, priceless!

How did this ever get so big? What are the implications for our society that something like this is not only allowed, but encouraged to happen? Those kids will never be the same. How can anything they ever do ever live up to the experiences they’ve been spoiled with thus far?

I mean to be fair, they don’t know any better. They’re literally just being handed everything they want on a silver plate because God knows why, people love it.

As irritating as they are, I can’t help but feel sorry for them because this is child exploitation in it’s very worst form and call me old school, but I don’t think it should ever have been allowed to get this ridiculously overblown.

-ST

15
Feb
12

Tim and Eric’s Billion Dollar Movie

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Radass Videos
Tags: , , , , ,

220px-Billion_Dollar_PosterThis could go either way. It could end up being just another dumbass American slapstick movie crammed full to bursting with dick jokes and endless shouting, or it could be pretty funny.

The premise is that the two main characters Tim Heidecker and Eric Wareheim (playing themselves presumably) are given a billion dollars to make a movie and end up squandering every cent.

To make the money back they decide to rehabilitate a mall full of vagrants, bizarre stores and a man-eating wolf that stalks the food court. Oh yeah, and Zach Gallifianakis, Will Ferrell and Jeff Goldblum are in it. Hit the “read more” link for the trailer.

 

 

Let’s hope the closing line of the trailer isn’t actually a succinct summary of the entire movie.

The movie premiers on the 2 March, but I’ll definitely wait for it to appear magically on our company “secret server” and watch it randomly on a week night when I have nothing better to do.

Word.

-ST

14
Feb
12

The Mammogram Post

By SlickTiger 4 Comments
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , ,

MammogramI don’t vent often on this site, but my girlfriend J-Rab went for a mammogram yesterday and had a really crappy, uncomfortable experience that I felt I had to share because if this is what other girls have to go through then we have a serious problem.

It is a well-documented fact that the best and most powerful way of beating cancer is through early detection and treatment.

It’s something the CANSA association and numerous health administrations in South Africa and the world encourage people to do in order to beat a disease that affects an average of one in four people in their lifetime.

J-Rab has been understandably upset and freaked out over the past few weeks because she’s been experiencing pain in her breasts, and was referred by her GP to have a mammogram – not because she was being paranoid or oversensitive but because, though she’s only in her late 20s, she has a history of breast cancer in her family and was genuinely worried something might be wrong.

For the benefit of my male readers, let it be known that going for a mammogram, much like prostate examinations for men, is something women genuinely loathe having to go through.

When radiologists perform mammograms, they basically squash a woman’s breast tissue as flat as it will go which is an uncomfortable enough experience to have to go through, never mind the fact that they go through it half naked.

In J-Rab’s case, the first part of the procedure, painful as it was, wasn’t too bad. She got undressed and had the mammogram done by a female radiologist who made her feel as comfortable as the procedure would allow.

Once that was over, a male doctor came in to perform the ultrasound who was so rude and dismissive towards her that he had the nerve to say (and I quote) “Why are you doing this at such a young age?” to which she replied that she’d been experiencing pain in her right breast and that, because there is a history of breast cancer in her family, she wanted to get in checked out.

“Pain is no indication of cancer,” he told her abruptly, like she was an idiot for ever thinking something might be wrong. He then scanned her half-heartedly, gave the scans a cursory glance, grunted “there’s nothing here” and marched out of the room without even saying goodbye to her.

Instead of feeling relieved that her scans were clear, J-Rab left with an uneasy feeling like there might have been something the doctor overlooked and like she’d been violated in some way.

Is this the kind of behaviour that women have to put up with when going through a difficult, potentially life-changing ordeal?

And more importantly, what kind of doctor treats his patients like that? Like they’re wasting his time by checking that they aren’t sick with a life-threatening disease?

It makes me furious me that someone in the medical profession would treat an issue like this in such a dismissive and callous way.

If you have such a low regard for your patients and what they might be going through, then do us all a favour and quit because by behaving like that you’re only making a bad situation worse.

-ST

13
Feb
12

Adventure Gamers Rejoice!

By SlickTiger 3 Comments
Categories: Radass Videos
Tags: , , , , , , , ,

GrimFandangoFrom 1987 when Maniac Mansion hit the scene, until around 2000 when Grim Fandango and Escape From Monkey Island were released, Lucas Arts made some of the finest adventure games known to man.

Ask any kid who grew up in the 90s and he’ll tell you straight up those games (Indiana Jones, Day Of The Tentacle, Sam & Max, Full Throttle, Monkey Island, etc) were the stuff our childhood was made of.

But then the 2000s hit and adventure games suddenly died. First person shooters, sandbox-style games like GTA, and epic titles like God Of War took over and adventure game fans were left wanting. Until now…

My buddy Civilian sent me a link on Friday to one of the craziest projects I’ve read about in a LONG time.

 

 

Tim Schafer, the co-designer of The Secret Of Monkey Island, Monkey Island 2: LeChuck’s Revenge and Day of the Tentacle and the designer of Full Throttle, Grim Fandango, Psychonauts and most recently, Brutal Legend, is making a game funded entirely by donations from adventure game lovers.

You can get the full story about the game by clicking these magical underlined words, but the single most amazing thing about it for me is that he set a target of $300 000 to make the game and $100 000 to get a production crew to film the entire project from start to finish.

 

 

The project goes live on Tuesday, March 13th and you know how much money they’ve raised to date?

You’d better sit down for this:

$1 635 530!

Which just goes to show, there are a LOT of adventure game fans out there who would pay good money to be able to play more titles like those iconic adventure games from the 90s.

 

 

I think it’s a brilliant idea and can’t wait to see what the guys come up with. They’ll easily top the $2m mark when it comes to donations – when I first checked the site on Friday evening it was at $1.3m and now, exactly two days later, it’s already on $1.6m. THREE HUNDRED THOUSAND FUCKING DOLLARS IN TWO DAYS!

How goddamn awesome is the internet?

Too goddamn awesome for words Winking smile

-ST

10
Feb
12

Hilarious “Future Hipsters” Video

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Radass Videos
Tags: , , ,

Old_3aa4ea_1913908Again the Tiger sails the seas of cheese to bring you guys some lukewarm internet leftovers so he doesn’t have to use the twisted brain God (or something) gave him to come up with anything original.

It’s been a loooong flippin’ week, my brain feels like a gloopy mess in my head and right now I really want nothing more than to collapse face-first into the weekend.

So while I sit here, listening to stoner rock and sipping whisky from a hip flask under my desk, I want you to enjoy this video that features wrinkled old hipsters being way more awesome than they ever were when they were young (thanks @RiccWebb!).

 

 

Have a killer weekend party people, when next we speak it will be crappy Monday again but don’t worry, I’ll post a great pic of boobs or something to make it not so bad for you.

-ST

09
Feb
12

Brilliant Illustrations By Ben Chen

By SlickTiger Leave a Comment
Categories: Uncategorized
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , ,

636x460design_01Before we jump into this, let it be known that I am stealing this shamelessly from My Modern Met, so big up to them for being so cool about it.

I’m gonna let these illustrations speak for themselves because they are too awesome for words. So yeah, all I’m doing at the moment is rambling for 100 words so that I can nail the intro paragraph.

How many dead babies can you fit in a barrel? 57. How do you get a fat chick in bed? Piece of cake. Why do they call it a “pap smear”? Because if they called it a “cunt scrape” no one would go. Aaand we’re good.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What’s even better is you can buy some of these as T-shirts from Threadless so I wouldn’t even fuck around if I were you.

I go out and buy them this very second before your Tiger pal buys up ALL the stock.

How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?

Depends if the lightbulb WANTS to change.

[SFX: Crickets]

-ST

08
Feb
12

MANentine’s Day – It’s AWN!

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Click here for free stuff! and Killer Posts
Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

lucy-football1I know what you think when you think about Valentine’s Day, because I think the exact same thing: BLOWJOBS.

That’s right. BLOWIES. But do we ever get them? No we do not. And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why men HATE Valentine’s Day.

I use the Charlie Brown analogy. That poor, poor basterd.

Always running up to kick the football that Lucy, who is a manipulative little thing if I ever saw one, ALWAYS pulls away at the last second, making Charlie land square on his ass.

Likewise, you buy your lady some flowers, a box of chocolates, maybe a gay little soft toy. You take her out for dinner and wine at a restaurant that has prices so high your balls hurt just thinking about them and you show her a great time.

You take her back home to the rose petal trail leading to the bedroom, light a few candles and give her a loving backrub with Roman Chamomile oil with a little Kenny G playing softly in the background.

 

 

You are so ready at this stage to get the best blowie of YOUR LIFE that you can hardly contain your excitement as you strip down and assume the position, ready to have your member and your mind BLOWN TO KINGDOM COME only to find…

She’s fallen into a wine-Kenny-G-and-sensual-backrub-induced coma and you’re somersaulting through the air, about to land square on your ass.

Either that or she sidles up to you all seductively, and whispers something devious like, “Whaddya say we just skip to the good part?” and before you know it, SCHLOOMF! It’s all over.

Well, I’m here to tell you some good news brother!

Because 2012 is a leap year, it ain’t Valentine’s Day on the 14th of Feb, it’s MANENTINE’S DAY, which means all the blowies YOU CAN HANDLE!

That’s right ladies, this year it’s all about spoiling your MAN. This is what the good folks at Savanna explained to me on Monday when I found ANTON TAYLOR and a BELTER waiting for me at reception:

 

 

That’s not all though. They also dropped off a whole lot of SICK manly stuffs like TOILET GOLF:

 

 

GUN ALARM CLOCK:

 

 

And my personal favourite, MMA DVD:

 

 

Don’t lie. You want this stuff SO BADLY right?

It’s all good homes, go to Savanna’s FB page by clicking on these magical words and tell them what your ultimate MANentine’s date would involve and you could win a date worth R10 000.

And if she DOESN’T give you a blowie at the end of that, well, I have some bad news for you.

You are dating a nun.

 

 

Good luck out there – if anyone’s gonna win this competition, it’ll be one of you crazy basterds Winking smile

-ST

07
Feb
12

Hands Up Who Remembers THIS Shit…

By SlickTiger 1 Comment
Categories: Radass Videos
Tags: , , , ,

04apr23-awesome-failMaking something go viral is a fine art.

You could shoot something that is straight up mind-blowingly amazing. A show of skill that NO ONE can top – Damien Walters falls into this category (watch his showreels, holy shit).

Or maybe you get lucky enough to shoot the exact opposite, ie. someone failing in a way that is so spectacularly hilarious and painful to watch it becomes an instant viral hit.

Lastly you could shoot something that is so terribly LAME, whether it’s intentional or not, that people instantly forward it to EVERYONE THEY KNOW (“Gingers Do Have Souls”, I’m looking at you buddy). THAT’S how I stumbled on this next video, way back in 2006…

Anyone remember… “aicha aicha”?!

Yeah. This is happening.

 

 

After six years, a good buddy sent me this yesterday and I clicked play thinking I’d piss myself laughing like I did when I first saw it, but instead I watched in numb horror at how very, very bad this is.

If this guy shot this video today and put it up on YouTube, absolutely nothing would happen.

I honestly think that as an audience we’ve become a lot harder to please which is why if this had to go live tomorrow no one would tweet it, post it to Facebook, share it with their friends or possibly even laugh at it.

Am I being too harsh? Anyone out there watching this for the first time? What did you think?

Also feel free to unearth a few more long dead videos and slap ‘em in the comments section while I leave you with another gem from way back that is actually still pretty funny to watch.

 

 

Haha! The black guy with the afro eating the floor still gets me every time.

I love you internet Winking smile

-ST

06
Feb
12

Okes Who Like To Klap It #12: Old Spice Charna

By SlickTiger 2 Comments
Categories: Hilariously Bad Ads, Klapping It, Radass Videos and Satire, Irony And Vitriol
Tags: , , , , , , , , , ,

Expendables Cast Rings New York Stock Exchange ZKAeGmJILlslHazit ma boychays!

So I’m surfing the interwebs the other day just doing my normal thing of checking my emails, writing some kak on vleisboek and looking for pictures of MASSIVE AND RIPPED okes covered in oil looking flippin’ BUFF in there speedos and what do I find?!

THE FLIPPIN BUFFEST CHARNA IN THE LAND!

I mean, a oke who shouts ALL THE TIME, RIDES TIGERS, HAS BICEPS INSIDE HIS BICEPS, CAN TURN OFF THE SUN, KICK BUILDINGS DOWN and blow his own MIND! Seriously boet, the only way I can explain it is if you watch some of the videos I found.

 

 

 

 

 

How flippin’ INTENSE is that charna?! I dunno what it is about him that I think is more awesomer, his MONSTER pecs, his GIGANTIC DELTS and TRAPS, his MOUNTAIN RANGE BICEPS, his FLIPPIN’ AWESOME TAN, the fact that just like me he SHOUTS ALL THE TIME or his lekker tight red shorts.

But just wait, cause it gets BETTER!

The oke is so flippin’ POWERFUL, he’s invading OTHER OKES adverts!

Check how MASSIVE AND RIPPED he’s made this flippin KAK ad for some toilet spray stuffs.

 

 

But the BEST one is this one for some kind of chocolate bar you put on your washing (I know, who the flip puts chocolate bars in the washing?! Chopheads…)

 

 

Now THAT’S how you handle a situation! WITH EXPLOSIONS, A JETSKI, PECS THAT MAKE DRILLING SOUNDS AND FLYING THROUGH THE ROOF!

Charnas, we can only one day hope to be as buff as the Old Spice charna. In the meantime, I’ve bought 30 cans of Old Spice that I’ve been INHALING since Saturday and ja… I’m not quite as BUFF as that charna yet, but last night my muscles got a bladdy AWESOME workout when I went into a SEIZURE so I think it’s working…

Until next time – KLAP IT BOET!

-ST

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